of last night's message with him

i don't really know why but i keep on accepting his calls, when i can. and it was when he hung up on me and messaged me that he had no credit left, i felt like i'm hurt again.

his last message was on 12.25 am, 08 December 2009 and i just lost my airtime so i can't reply to him back so, i'm replying him here. though i know he'd never read it.

[From : Gen-chan
To : Ila Way

"I know you still love me and I loved you too but I think I've told you before, I don't care if I didn't get you in this world but I want you to be my wife in heaven. Hehe. But when you wanted to cut off our contact so much, I'll do it."]

That's when it hurts so much, at least to me. It's because before, he said,

"I'll never let you go." (I don't mind anymore because right now I'm forcing you to let me go)
"I'll never give up on you." (I want you to give up on me as I gave up on you)
"Your cloud, always." (FUCK I CAN'T EVEN ACCEPT YOU AS A CLOUD NOW. THAT POSITION IS MEANT FOR HIBARI-SAN, AND NO ONE ELSE. NO ONE ELSE. NO MORE.)

[From : Ila Way
To : Gen-chan

"When you did that, it hurts more. If you wish to always hurt me, feel free to do it more. I can take it. I'll take it. I'll be strong and I'll take it."]

Because if you love to hurt me, the you might as well do it to satisfy yourself. I'll be strong. I want to be strong. And once I'm strong enough, I'll be able to stand alone, without anybody by my side.

And of course, I don't hate you. The only one I hate is, someone that I tried so hard to change and that person, lives very near to me.