Wednesday, December 23, 2009

finished with mid sem exam

mood : stressed
song : heartbeat - 2PM
someone to love : Hibari Kyouya (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
statement of the day : I'm a female... sadly...

this was supposed to be posted straight after i finished with mid sem but i didn't get the time, haha! so, i was supposed to whine about how suck i am since i couldn't answer those papers properly and confidently. yeah, i suck big time.

by the way, today i'm gonna clear up everything on my pen drive so, there are actually some notes that i'd like to keep. it brings memories.

note 1
I have replied to this message yesterday but but myspace doesnt really send it i guess.. because today i just noticed that it says red and not replied... =[ waaa!!!

uhm.. firstly! this message gonna sound weird because i cant remember what i just said yesterday! haha! and i have short memory.. -_-" but i'll try to make it look as good as i can!

"You already know that I created Aya out of sadness, right? I want to be her cause she's a happy person who's fun to be with because of her joyfulness. But I'm really saddened that it feels like I'm playing pretend to everyone."

I know.. thats actually the same reason why Malilith is here.. ^^ Actually Aya is still you, dear you, and is truly you that you cant show infront of people.. probably you are faraid to show it..
or maybe you just dont know how to show it..
but the truth is.. you know that Aya is you... a long lost you that youve found back...
so.. youre actually not faking yourself.. at first yes maybe.. but not.. it has become you.. its you who laughed.. its you who smiled...

"I've been sad since I stopped school. I didn't know that my father's sister borrowed a lot of money from him and was not able to pay back. Because of that me and my sisters stopped school. My father's sugar business isn't going well either. So we're experiencing financial problems. I've been out of school since I was twelve, but I'm not losing my hopes of becoming an animator cause I know that I can draw and there's this school that I know I can enter in."

I guess since I only have my sisters to talk with I must be feeling lonely that's why I'm sad. I noticed hat my sisters are hiding something behind my back. I felt that I can't trust them anymore. It feels hard to trust anyone anymore. It feels like evryone are just complete strangers.

One more thing, We don't go outside and we only go outside ocasionally... Especially my sisters. I would go outside when my mom will be buying things at the grocery store but my sisters just stay at home.

I just don't get it? Why I'm feeling scared or angry? I hate this feeling. It annoys me and I'm not able to draw well. I would cry and cry and break things (good thing I haven't destroyed anything). Do you think I'm lonely? Is it true about what my sisters are saying that I'm just over reacting. I hate this everyone feels like strangers. I wish I can talk to somebody but I can't. No one's there.

Everyday I would do nothing at home. I guess I'm scared that I might have nothing for my future. But I do hope I'll be able to get out of this problem.

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry that I've been disturbing you with your work. Do your best and I'll try to cheer up. Even though I know no one is here with me. I know that I can't be lonely since you've been listening to my problems. You're really really are good friend... Take care now...

Do your best okay... I'll do my best too... -from Aya-hime (my freaking best friend)

note 2
Scottish, Irish, German, Dutch, English, and Cherokee - Yume's mixed races xD

note 3
Your cruel device
Your blood like ice
One look could kill
My pain your thrill

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, and I don't wanna break these chains

Your mouth so hot
Your web I'm caught
Your skin so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins (And pins)
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you, but you're under my skin (Deep in)
I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains

One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (Don't touch)
Just wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains

I wanna love you, but I better not touch
I wanna hold you, my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains - Poison by Alice Cooper lyric

note 4
I cant believe that someone DID read my blog.. O_O
I mean.. my other blog..
and she also commented!~
I was thrilled but kyaa!!~ after i visit her website, i just know that shes a writer of a novel.. O_O
and she gave me a positive comment..?
I feel so weird.. haha..
for my poems.. ^^"
I mean.. i never thought that it was great..
now i was in the middle of shock, happy and feeling weird.. haha!

just telling you.. xD
hope you dont mind and just trying to get it out of my mind.. ^^"


O_O you must be crazy to say something like that...
no no no.. eventhough id like that but.. I really cant see me and Mana.. together..?
*suffocates* no no..! Mana-sama would never treat me like that! ^^" I think uhm... he.. uhm... he must.. uhm.. gyahh! i dont know what to say!~

I know youre having fun doing this.. -_-""" Coz i have fun creating your story with prince kamijo too..
but than.. I really cant imagine that.. I mean.. waaahhh!!! Itd be to good to be true!~
no wayy! -my crazy ramblings xD

note 5
Dear Boy Who Doesn't Exist,
You know, you're the nice one.
The one that smiles with your heart, not only your lips. Whose mouth whispers sweet words, truths, not lies or lyrics with no feeling or worth behind them. Faux love stories, fake princes.

Oh, boy who I've never met...
I want you with each bit of my soul. I think its beyond want, my love, it is need. A need to be consoled. A need to find catharsis and safety within your grasp.
My hands were meant for your's to hold, my lips live for your kiss.

Are you here? Are you taken?
You've been a figment of my dreams, a shadow of my desires. But are you real?
Real with ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, one noes and a heart lusting to meet me?

I think about you all the time, did you know?
I see bits of you everywhere. I love it.
But regaurdless, I'm going to die a sad young man with too many memories for his life to fucking handle.

Hand in hand. Hugs. Sweet kisses. Bouqets. Blowing out candles, I wish I was blind so I couldn't see what I'm missing.

This life, it's too much. I hear the neighbors-strangers fumbling mumbling muttering garbling through the walls, and im tired and I think I just want everyone to be quiet for a little bit, bloody fucking silent and would you get it through your goddamn skulls?

I'm tired and I don't know a single soul in this city, or maybe I don't know anyone here with a soul, and tomorrow I will wake up and everything will be same, and you still wont be here.

Because you,
a lovable, kind, considerate boy with polite manners, honest smiles, and the loyalty of a thousand dogs does not exist. Not in my world.

But once, I knew a boy like you. And it was a sad, long journey. A hollywood homicide of hope shattering teenage hearts.

Our story went something like this,

i called you darling. you used to call me beautiful until i lost enough weight and you gained enough sadness that together we were no longer whole enough to support each other. you never cried when you're sad the way i do and every place i wished you had kissed is scarred and i can no longer take off my clothes with out turning away from the mirror. now, you don't call me beautiful and i cannot blame you, though every time you left i felt myself falling apart at the seams because i don't think you knew how much i needed you. so it's not like i can't get by with out you; i can and i have and i am right now, but even so i want to dive into you and promise you that somehow, even though we're over, i will make everything okay.

so you don't call me beautiful anymore, but your name still comes out like honey on my tongue, rolling up my throat like a curse and a lover: which were you anyway? time's change. with you, when i woke up in a panic i'd whisper your name over and over, a lullaby, and calmed myself with thoughts of your calloused fingertips, brown eyes.

i learned how much i could truely love someone.

seduction; i told you i'm endearing and you started to believe it. you don't want me anymore and i curl my toes in the dark, wondering when you will again. my skin is freckled and thin at my collar bones, begging you to touch me. did you even hear me whispering your name as i fall back asleep?

i dared you to love me. double dog dare.

i believe life is a series of beautiful events all stacked together like an oreo cookie. you don't like oreos, or bananas, but sometimes i dream that someday i will kiss you again and that you will like. have you ever known a boy like me?

you used to call me beautiful, like i was yours. now, you call me the name my parents gave me and i still call you darling, love, mine. airplanes and fireflies: i wish that you would call me beautiful again, just once.

you get so discouraged with the world and i beg it to look more inviting to your sad eyes: every window is an escape, every building a prison. i like to lay alone on the grass and drink in the stars; you lay alone on your bed and wonder when the day will be over. so maybe youre right, maybe i'm just a silly boy, dangling bare feet out the window until you begged me to come back in (i told you you loved me). and yeah maybe i'm just a silly boy and maybe you're a love affair with insanity, but i still believe we belong together: you never believed in fate or destiny but i know better -- we haven't gone through all this for nothing and i vainly hope that someday it will pay off, your fingers against my skin and love more intense than either of us expected to exist.

so i haven't been kissed in weeks and you question your sanity. how do you cope with such pain? you ask. i cry and i cut and mostly i just drink until i'm honest enough to tell you how goddamn much i love every word you say.

and you don't call me beautiful anymore, but i know you think i am just the same with my messy hair and black eyes and a tendency to swear too much. every bed i've ever slept in has been with you, i hope you know that: i take you with me everywhere. my lucky charm. and every tear i've ever cried over you, i lick off my face. i am all passion: you used to love that about me. now, empathy has betrayed me and you don't smile when you think of me.
maybe life is supposed to hurt.

i am always powerless against you. you, with the right words to say and the hurt that i can feel. there was a fault line in my old city, where the world would crumble and shake and remind us that we are powerless. someday i will take you back there and dance dance dance! who says pain has to be ugly anyway?

i hope you know i have never loved this way before, but you're not listening. David, you never really did."

So, boy who I've never met.
I may be broken, but I'm ready to love you.

I've got plenty of flaws, more than most even.

For instance, my jaw grows stiff when I chew excessively. I also have this really bad twitch in my left eye. I have enough reason to believe that I squirm frequently whilst sleeping and I often find myself in rather perverse positions upon waking up.

I have a bad shoulder and my smile is crooked. I over-think miniscule details of situations, which in turn cause delayed decisions. I don't speak enough, have a maniacal laugh, tell bad/corny jokes, and I probably suck in bed.

But if you want me,
I'm yours. -Lexi's last blog (before I lost him)

note 6
everytime i watch a movie or series, i'll be filled by emotion... it's fun and it makes me laugh but sometimes

i just skipped the last part.. never wanting to watch the last episode... because i dont want it to end...
just dont want all the feelings to end...

it's like something that wraps and warms you up... but at the end it breaks and leave you in the cold..
it reminds me that...

every good things will end eventually soon..
and that saddens me..

I know I'm running from reality.. but what do i have in reality..?

so.. by not watching... i freeze my own time there...
eventhough its stupid.. somehow...
at least it will never end... -my realisation

note 7 - reiki's email (funny, i kept it lol)

note 8
So... Its is officially new year for me...
And.. this new year is so fun because i spend it on RM.. ^^
I am really happy...
Thank you everybody..!~ I just loves you all.. XD

I cant remember when is the first time I ever online on RM..
but what i remembers is.. that its is fun.. ^^
Drof, Ali, Budo and Urra was online that time..
They are so nice to me.. I loves them.. ^^

I have so many fun and happy memories on RM...
It is really my second home...
There is no site that I love more than RM.. honestly!~
RM is always fun.. the peoples are fun.. and nice...
I feel so alive and loved in RM.. and I always miss RM and the peoples when Im away..
Like when I have to go to camping or something.. ^^
My psych sucks.. haha!~


I love you and you know it.. ^^
In fact.. everyone knows it.. XD
Im so happy with you.. you makes me smile... :D
I love everything about you..!~ ... maybe not... i love everything about you except for..
your perverted mind.. haha!~ XD but I luvs you!!!~
So, you light up my world... and i feel so special..
I am loved.. ^^ No day is complete without you.. <3
And I will always love you more and more everyday..!~
Ohh.. and I do love you more than I love Mana-sama.. <3
Only that I just likes to tease you.. XD Sorry for that, baby.. ^^"


You are the bestest ever!!~
I loves you so much... you always make me happy...
And we share alot of things.. I guess.. hahaXD
Thank you so much for doing a lot of stuff for me...
You draw really beautiful things for me.. and that stays on my heart forever...
You are always there when I needed somebody...
I instantly become happy when I see your name...
It makes me smile... and I loves talking to you..
We are sisters no matter what okay..? and I promised to be your penguin, remember.. XD
and remember what you promised me the other night... hold my hand tightly... ^^

Budo-chan and Ali-chan

You guys are the best moderators EVER!~ in my life.. XDD
and will always be... Ali and Budo-chan ish so sweet and nice and caring...
Thank you very much for helping me when I needed opinion and stuff...
After everything.. I know I loves you two.. ^^
Ali and Budo ish my idol..!~ and I wish I could grow up and be as strong as you two..!~
and you guys always made my day!~ its so fun knowing you two.. XD
I still remember my first impression on Budo-chan and Ali...
I thought that Ali ish cool and Budo is too sweet.. XD
She always gives me cookies and Ali is always fabulous... yay!~
and I am so happy to know you two... and your videos are the best!!!~


I really love talking to you.. XD We always have a conversation and you will make me forget
what time is it when we both are online.. XD we talked alot!~
Especially on JRock section.. OMG!~ haha!~ I dont have any new post after you left.. XD
You is so fun!~ and I am so sorry when I put the naked Gackt pic on the forum.. XD
But at least I thought it was fun.. haha.. and grilled cheese forever!!~

Reita and Reila

OMG!~ you both ish so cute.. ^^ I likes you two..!!~
and I sometimes mistakes over you two.. haha.. ^^" sorry.. my bad.. XD
anyway... Reita and Reila... I really love talking to both of you..
eventhough we dont really talk that much.. but enjoy every second talking to you two.. :3
and I hope one day gazette will come and visit you two.. probably you two will faint but they will catch you.. XD

Saita and Mars

You two are so so so so so so sweet!~ thank you for taking care about me.. ^^
and you two ish so cute too.. physically and in person..!~ yays!~ Im so happy when Im around you two.. ^^
I always feel like huggling you two... :3 Saita.. XD Uru is made for you!!!~ and Mars!!~ better steal him from Ali now.. XDD
I love PMing you both... and you guys... are much sweeter than any sweets i ever had.. ^.^

Kumiko and Eiduru

hahaha!~ Kumiko.. i think you needs to stop hating kids.. XD and eiduru... keep on drawing!!~
Kumiko-chan ish fun.. XD and I will kill Bill for you!!~ and we really should stalk Miyavi someday.. haha
Eiduru ish also sweet!~ and I am so happy that you didnt forget about me when youre away.. ^^
I loves you two..!!!~ and I always like it when you guys online... XDDDD

Katra and Urra

Katra!!~ I always like the fact that you do cosplay.. XD and you ish funny too sometimes..
eventhough we dont really talk, i read your posts and it makes me laugh.. XD
Urra!!~ I loves your drawing.. you is so talented.. with all the music instrument and stuff..
OMG!~ I wish I could be you.. XD also..!~ I likes your band... XD

22 and Jigsaw

You two ish so cute together... XD I likes seeing you two... ^^
and jigsaw!!~ you always come with news and updates... youre so cool.. XD
22.. i think you have an obsession on taking pics.. XD but its okay because you is pretty.. ^^
lastly... I loves you two..!!~ *huggles*

Nazume and Sccmar

Kyaaaa!!~ I wish you two would online more... because i could hardly talk to you two.. XD
but from what i know.. you two are fun.. ^^ I wish I know you guys more so that i will know what should I say now..
hahaXD anyways.. loves you guys too..!!~

DC, never_mind, gaza the lova, kaeru, miiko-chan, eriert, angelostnhea7en, ayla, chizu-chan, ash, yuuto, bloosi, nadeshiko,
smopiiac, kitsune, okitoki, rainhero, and everyone who never really talked to me...

I wish i could talk to you... i wish i had the chance to know you peoples... you guys seems fun.. ^^
and you guys loves gazette as i do..!!~ yay for yourselves.. XD *huggles*

aeryl and diana

hahaha.. ^^ sorry for dragging you here.. and i noticed that lately you guys never really post.. ^^"
Im so sorry... but I luvs you two.. XD we talked on other site more and i knows that you both
are such a sweet person.. <3 I love you!!!!~ *huggles*

So... Im so sorry for anybody that I didnt meantion.. dont kill e.. ;-;
I just having a short memory problem.. ^^"
I just wanna tell you you guys... taht you guys are the best!!~ ever!!~
and its such a shame thatI cant be here anymore.. ;_;
My parents wont let me online anymore for 2008... due to my big exam.. TT_TT
It is so sad to leave RM... I t is heart breaking to say goodbye...
But.. I cant do a thing about it... I'll have to say...

Goodbye, now, everybody...
today is my last day onlining...
when i sign out.. it means that it will be my last log in...
i hope everyone will enjoy their life...


I just LOVE you guys!!!~ so much!!!~

Love, Ila-chan, you cookies eater!!~ -my last wish to everybody at RM (fuck, i miss them)

note 9
i have been hurting myself ila..
because i want to be with you.. more than anything
but its not Possible
i should try and find someone else
because i cant ever be with you..
and if i keep holding on.. i am going to bleed to Death -from someone whom i love so much

yeah, that's pretty much all the things i cherished. you should know how my life works from that. haha. there were lots of emotions there, it brings back memories. i'm keeping them here, as a part of my memory.

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