Monday, November 30, 2009

Spring -light version-

Yeah, I've posted another one concerning the memories trilogy. This is inspired by the four seasons. And like how it was supposed to be, the post was posted at blue cresent. Yeah, I missed them much. =[

Spring -light version-

I wonder what will happen if it was me who left instead of them...

Rainbow Thread Update :D

Yayyy! We got update for the fic!! Wohoo! Please proceed to Chapter One, peeps!~

Have fun reading! xDDDDDDD

Title : Rainbow Thread (Prologue : The Night Society) (Chapter 1 : First Semester Group of Freshmen)
Writers : Ila Way! and updown2insideout
Rating : T
Synopsis : The Night Society are getting active day by day with more death in tow. Yarhzoule was given the task to kill Echa while Ujud and Udin were tired of being attacked from the outside. The dream watcher was forced to sign the truce with the Way Famiglia.

Click the link! The red tittle. And read it! xD

Friday, November 20, 2009

Forgiving myself... or not...

Two days ago, I watched a movie about love and how life revolve around us. One of the character had this dilemma and the dilemma somehow touched me unconsciously. I wasn't aware of it until I noticed myself slowly drifted away thinking about it. And now I'm still thinking about it.

I am stubborn. A stubborn girl who couldn't help herself to love the same person until the end. It's not like I don't have any choice, I do but I always chose the one that would probably hurt me less.

I have been in love so many times and I have been loved too. Each time, I will love them back and I know they had carved themselves in my heart but among all of those who had done loving and making me to love them back, there are only two who had carved themselves deep enough to actually break it to pieces. Yes, those two were Malilith and Fye. The only two that made me fall head over heels for them. The only two that made me so happy I thought that this world was probably way better than the heaven. The only two that hurt me so much that sometimes I wonder if I could die from being hurt this much. And the only two who had not only own me but my body and soul as well.

But then, one by one, they left me alone, frantically crying out their names like a prayer chant that people did when they was about to die.

"Ila, if I could have one wish, that wish is for you and Malilith to be happy forever."

"Ila, if one day we are apart then you must continue for Fye and my sake."

And they died. Painfully. It took me months to move on, to stop crying at night for them but still, I still wish for them to come back. A lot of people said that I should forget them but...

How could I?

I can't imagine myself living without them. They never fail to be in my mind every single day. The thought of forgetting them hurts me so much I didn't dare to even think about it.


I remembered back then I have said,

"I love you..."


"I love you so much..."


"I love you and to death I shall be..."


"Even if you die, I will still love you..."


"I love you forever..."

After I said all that to them, how could I just forget? I've promised to love hem forever and forever I shall. That's because I love them more than anything else in this world. And I love them too much, I'm so scared of living without them. I'm afraid that if forget them, I would forget myself as well. Because I made so much memories with them. Because I was myself when I was with them.

I was too attached to them. Because I love them.

They didn't say "Thank you for loving me" like the movie showed. They never said "Please forget about me" like the movie showed too. So while the character move on and started to love someone else after the one he used to love died, should I do the same to?

"Forgive me..." or should I forgive myself?

The truth is, I still blame myself for everything. If only I tell Malilith earlier. If only I was the one to fall that time. If only I was stronger. Then everything wouldn't turn out to be like this. I was my fault. But I would never say it because I know if I do they would say, "It's not your fault." I don't want to hear that. Because I was my fault.

I cried their names every night when no one was there to hear me.

I smiled everyday remembering how cute Fye and Malilith acts sometimes.

I daydream about the things we could have done if they were still here everyday.

And I loved them every single second and more with every breath.

Of course I could never forget about them.

Because then, wouldn't it be a betrayal?

I don't want to betray them and myself.

But day passed by and I feel so lonely. So lonely I thought god must hate me. I... wanted to be loved again. But my stubbornness wouldn't allow it. Will I find my own lonely cloud? Will I ever grow up? Will someone come to me and said that they loved me?

It just hurts too much.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Fiction :D

It's a co-writing with Rara! Coolies! I've been looking forward to write with her! xD Yay! It's dedicated to FMS May 2009 Private A at MSU students!

Have fun reading! xDDDDDDD

Title : Rainbow Thread
Writers : Ila Way! and updown2insideout
Rating : T
Synopsis : In the world that has been plunged into chaos and darkness, trust and loyalty was the hardest thing to believe in. Much more in love and friendship. The Night Society are the people who walked under the faint moon light, hiding their true identity, masking their feelings and their true self. How would this world without love turn to?

Click the link! The red tittle. And read it! xD

Monday, November 16, 2009

Dear lover

Dear lover who I can't be sure yet just who you are,

I have always thought that I'm dying, emotionally and physically
and frankly speaking I can't see who am I in my reflection
sometimes I'm so scared if the mirror breaks apart
and show me who I really am
I'm just scared to know who I really am
Am I really me, I just don't know

Sometimes I see hope in my own eyes
but sometimes it seems so far away
and I just can't forget the pain of losing them all
I feel so useless
like a retarded bitch

I'm so stained
I'm not pure
I hated it myself
but just
I am waiting
for you my love who I don't even know
to one day come to me
and tell me that to you
I'm forever sacred

And I wish I could meet you someday
you who could understand who I am
you the one who knows me better than I did
you who create a world filled with dreams
It's okay even if we're just dreaming
we'll keep on doing that
untill the day I am sure I'm almost dead

I wish you could understand how much I really do love Malilith and Fye
and tell me to cherish the memory, not to forget it
because it's so freaking hurt to forget
feels like being stabbed on open wounds
feels like it's bleeding so much and I can't do anything about it but
just pretend like I'm okay and bear with it
and with the guilt of not letting them know
it's so heavy, the burden
but I just don't want them to think that they've made me hurt
deep enough

A lot of people said I'm stupid for slitting my wrist and all
and there are some who just give up on me
but i still wish to meet you, my love who I still can't reach
to tell me that it's not too late
and it's never too late

They didn't know who I am and I don't know either
but bleeding feels good
it sort of like a drug
people do drugs and eventually they die
it's the same as slitting your wrist
it hurts but it feels good at the same time
and I did it to ease the pain inside
I didn't do it to show anyone that I'm trying to kill myself
I'm doing it for myself
because I don't want to lose control

I always thought that it's better to feel pain
than being numb and not feel anything at all
being numb is so scary
it's cold and dark and nothing matters anymore
and you'll just love the feeling of being drowned in misery
and to me I saw the colors are cold blue and red
and I'm frozen in time
feels like I die alive

And I know I'm wreckless
but I still wish to meet you, my love who I cant meet just yet
and wait for you to tell me that
I'm your sweetest poison

They said in one of the books I read
death is not the most serious illness
it's worst wanting to die and not being able to
but somehow I thought
it's probably worser wanting to die but not wanting to
and you can't even try to die
because once you're lost
you'll never come back
and probably the worst
if you never die and your life is being denied
will this ever die?

I used to thought that I'd grow wings
and I dream of them
they are black and pretty
and I wore black leather or probably PVC clothes
it fits me and it's so pretty
and probably sexy
then I saw there are two more who dreamed the same
but one is purely grey and white
and he was pretty and I knew he is an angel from his gaze
and another one is in black and red
he shows anger, misery but a glitch of satisfactory
and I know from his smile that he's human
then they looked at me and looked into my eyes
as I smiled to them
I noticed that I'm the devil
born with blood seeking instinct
and that evil inside me
but I wonder why
do I love them two so much
is it because they accept me just they way I am
or is it because I'm in love
just how love was suposed to feel?

I'm always afraid that people could read through me
so stupid, right
but sometimes I wish they could see if I'm really smiling
or lying my feelings just to show that I care about them
and I really do care about them
in fact I love them freaking much more than I love myself
but sometimes they are confused
I just love them like I do

I had this weird feeling
I love being touched
but I hate being touched too
sometimes I don't know why I'm resisting
when I know that I want it
but maybe I'm just scared to be loved
and afraid of hurting someone that I love
sometimes I just wish that no one loves me
but then I'd feel so lonely
and I don't even know what to do now
should I turn right or left?

I love to dream
and everytime I sleep I wish I dreamed and remember it
and I used to dream alot
I'm always in different situation and me is different person
it goes up and down in my dream
but lately it's getting slower
almost like I had nothing to dream of anymore
but I wish I'll keep on dreaming
because I miss them all
who appeared in my dreams

Sometimes I write down my dreams
or comment about it
but there is a dream that I'm so scared of
what if it's real and me who are here isn't
probably I'm just denying
my life, over here

and for you, my dear who probably has lost yourself in time
I wish for you to hold me and kiss me and tell me it's alright
it's alright to dream like this
and wish it's real
and tell me that you'll always be here
to be with me and to listen
and I wish that when I get you
I will never hurt you

I know I'm just selfish
but I just want to somehow find you myself
as I'm falling in the rainy sorrow

If you are the one then please save me
from my self-destructing shit

and I just want you to know that I will love you
until my heart stops bleeding
until one day I died in my smile
and not my tears out

I love you, Ila


I found this. An old file and I decided to post this. Well, this is who I am. Before. And I still love her. No matter what. hahahaha

Loving you

i can't remember when is the first time i saw you
what i know is you're always there
through my up and down, my happiness and contra

loving you, it is hard
but it was pure bliss

in loving you, i learn how to be myself
and i learn to love myself for you

when i'm with you i feel good
about myself and who i really am
because you never fail to make me love you
more and more every second

loving you, through every seasons
like we was meant to be together

in loving you, i am proud to be me
and i learn to have pride for you

you said it doesn't matter
if it rains, if it burns
always know that you were there too

loving you, more than anyone else
and wish that we will never be apart

in loving you, i appreciate life
and learn that life is more than you know

smile, laugh, cry, scared and excited
i've been through that all with you
and when our hands are laced together
i could feel your beating heartbeat
calm against mine

loving you, letting the warmth spread over me
in loving you, i feel complete

Statement of the day :

Because I feel kind of lonely. Hahaha. Today we talked about my Mr. Perfect (with Hafiz) and then I realized that... well, I need to find him. Haha... Or maybe not... I don't know. I just sucked at this love thingy. Or maybe it's just like what Malilith used to say. I'm a bad luck for love.... hahah

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Goodbye, Megat

Yesterday I talked to him again, my ex and he was telling me all this kind of stuff (that looks cool to him) to me and well, I was listening until he said something about he doesn't care to lose friends, especially his GIRL friends (he doesn't want to be friends with girls who already have boyfriends). And being a sensitive person I was (at that time) I said, "Well then, bye." He asked, "Why? You have a boyfriend?" I smiled and I lied to him, "Yes."

At first he was quiet a bit then he asked, "Who is it?"

Not knowing what to say and what to do (I was thinking about Serizawa that time and I have this urge to tell him that it's Serizawa but thinking that by saying that I'd blow my cover by saying his name I didn't do it) after a long pause, I said, "It's a secret."

And him being him, he paused for a minute. I did the same as a smile creeps over my feature. Then he said, "Well then, I'm going now. Bye." I replied him with an okay before he hung up. Later, he gave me a message, "I swear to GOD that I will never bother you again." And to be honest, I didn't expect that. To be honest I feel a bit hurt with that. Yeah, I'm nothing to him after all this time he said HE LOVED ME? Yeah, bye. I thought of telling him that I lied but my pride doesn't allow me and that night I sleep with my cellphone near me. For what? I don't even know.

All in all, here what I'm gonna say is, "Goodbye, Megat. I loved you as lover before and friend after we broke up but now you didn't even want me as a friend. Yeah, sorry for everything. Sorry for all the lies I've told. Sorry for being there for you and lastly, sorry for loving you. Goodbye again and good night."

Statement of the day :
I feel like a bitch... and I love it.

Because I hurt people so much and that hurts me I start to wonder if I actually like to hurt people or myself. I don't know.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I'm updating my life here

yeah :D

because i'm too busy to take care of my other sites
and i'm too lazy to do it anyway
so i thought...

maybe i'll make this site like my headquarters

so... yay to this site!

don't worry
i'll still use the other site


but that doesn't mean i'll update it everyday or every week
i'll only update when i have the chance to

WARNING : don't get surprised to see/read/watch/hear/whatever what i might post
i MUST remind you that
i don't think i'm sane
so forgive me if my insanity creeps over this place

and yeah i need to upgrade this site
and make it prettier
but i'm too lazy
but i'll do it
someday or sometime

statement of the day :

i think i'm attracted to him a bit too much
and in a wrong way
i need a mental check up
know any place to do it?