Tuesday, August 3, 2010


at last, nothing seems to come out

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What love is...?

I... don't think I know what love is.

so, I am confused. since I don't know this feeling. How do I know when it is love?

is love... happening?
is love... harsh? to my heart. is this heavy beating, pain that's been wrecking into my core, love?

I don't know.

But I really wanted to say that I love you.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I'm risking my life

There's so many things that I risked my life for. But maybe, mainly for you.

Nae moksumeul geonda
I’m risking my live

Naege neoreul saranghagie nae moksumkkaju gounda
In order to love you I’m risking my life

Ireon nae maeumeul neon ani
Do you know my heart,

Jakku bogo sipeun mamana
The heart that keeps wanting to see you

Saranghagie nan moksumdo geonda
In order to love you I’m risking my life

Ah, it's tiring when you already write so long and then the internet got crazy and no draft saved. Now, I don't want to talk anymore. *cries* WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? WHY?????

Monday, April 19, 2010


After waiting for their comeback, after all that we, the hottest and 2PM themselves have been through, today, they released their new MV, the same day they released their teaser if I'm not mistaken.

I love it. 2PM didn't dissapoint me at all. ANd Wooyoung got a cool solo part! I SOOOO LOVE IT!

I'll keep on supporting, both Jay and 2PM. My love for them will never stop.

I actually want to put their video here but the wifi here at the library is being a complete gay it wont let me.

Just search for the title. Hurry! Its still new! HOT AS PISANG GORENG!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Loving you like this

my heart breaks when i see you
my tears streams when you're with her
i don't know how you make me like this
but loving you just... hurts

in my lonely night, my tears are screaming out your name
slowly, just slowly my heart breaks
slowly, deeply hurting my sanity
why can't i stop loving?
why can't i stop crying?

why can't i see? we weren't meant to be?
why can't i stop hoping, wishing that we could, someday
love each other, laugh together, cry together?

everyday of the week, i keep on holding
to my slightest fantasy, where we were together
you and me, like we belong together
but we don't and my fantasy shatters
like broken pieces, glasses falling apart

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Ah~ Though not many knew this but I DID went to an audition for Mentor (aired on TV3). And I went to Joe Flizzow's audition. I wasn't accepted though, he told me that I wasn't ready.

So, like yesterday or so, I thought I'd send him an email via his HR department (for his record company, Cartel Record, aight?) I was being really brave in the act, since I was very scared. *Sigh* I don't know, truly, little hopes fires me up. And I was thinking about it like how Taeyang got into YG. I mean, I wanted to be like him, trained and produced by the company but after I sent it, I just thought that... It kinda sound ridiculous. And so, I think, ah~ I have no chance. But yeah, I swear to myself to not regret any of it. I think I could try the other way if this didn't work out. *long sigh*

AHHHHHHHH~~~~~~ *a long desperate scream*

And man, I got a reply today and I'm so scared to read it. ;-; It will probably be something like...

1. I'm so sorry but we don't know you.
2. I'm sorry but we have to reject you.
3. Practice more and sent us details and your demo.
4. We're not taking unknown artist like you.
5. Have you lost your mind?
6. Ha ha ha, are you kidding me?

;-; Man, you should just listen to my heartbeat. I wish they would just forget me. ;-; Ah~~~~~~~~~~~~ *cries like a kid*


here's their reply

Dear Nur Nabilah Rosli,

Thank you for your email. We will forward this email to Joe and David of Kartel Records.

Our department is in charge of discovering and managing talents and we will be reviewing your request to audition.

You will be hearing from us shortly.

Best regards,
A&R Department
Kartel Records Sdn. Bhd.


so.. I'll wait.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

MNET Super 100 Idols


1 – Big bang, Kwon Jiyong

16 – DBSK, Hero Jaejoong

17 – 2PM, Nichkhun

21 – 2AM, Jo Kwon

29 – SHINee Minho

36 – 2PM, Chansung

53 – 2PM, TaecYeon

63 – H.O.T., Moon Heejun

80 – 2PM Jaebeom

87 – F.T.Island, Choi Minhwan

Ila says, "I'm proud of you guys who made it. ^^ But I was sad that there was no other 2PM members to be seen. If the hottest didnt become antist, they would have been on the top. I know that."

from, MNET Super 100 Idols:

1 – Big bang, Kwon Jiyong
2 – Wonder Girls, Sohee
3 – DBSK, Xiah junsu
4 – Big Bang, TOP
5 – DBSK, U-Know Yunho
6 – SS501, Kim Hyunjoong
7 – Fin.K.L, Lee Hyori
8 – SNSD, Taeyeon
9 – H.O.T, Jang Woohyuk
10 – DBSK, Micky Yoochun
11 – Big Bang, Daesung
12 – SES, Yoojin
13 – Shinhwa, Eric
14 – Wonder Girls, Sunye
15 – Big Bang, Taeyang
16 – DBSK, Hero Jaejoong
17 – 2PM, Nichkhun
18 – Fin.K.L, Sung Yuri
19 – Shinee, Taemin
20 – Super Junior, Eunhyuk
21 – 2AM, Jo Kwon
22 – SNSD, Yoona
23 – G.O.D, Yoon Gyesang
24 – FT Island, Lee Hongki
25 – Sechs Kies, Eun Jiwon
26 – Dbsk, Changmin
27 – H.O.T., KangTa
28 – Wonder Girls, Sunmi
29 – SHINee Minho
30 – KARA, Han Seung Yeon
31 – Bigbang, Seungri
32 – Super Junior, Heechul
33 – H.O.T., Tony An
34 – Shinhwa, Andy
35 – Se7en
36 – 2PM, Chansung
37 – Super Junior, Shindong
38 – SS501, Kim Kyujong
39 – Wonder Girls, Yoobin
40 – SNSD, Tiffany
41 – SHINee, Onew
42 – Super Junior KangIn
43 – Wonder Girls, Yeeun
44 – F.T.Island, Choi Jong Hun
45 – Sugar, Ayumi
46 – Shinhwa, Kim Dongwan
47 – Buzz, Min Kyunghoon
48 – CSJH, Stephanie
49 – Super Junior Siwon
50 – Sechs Kies, Go Ji-Yong
51 – Jung Jihoon (Rain)
52 – S.E.S, Bada
53 – 2PM, TaecYeon
54 – KARA, Goo HaRa
55 – Super Junior Sungmin
56 – SS501, Kim Hyung Joon
57 – 1TYM, Danny
58 – Super Junior Eeteuk
59 – SHINee, Jonghyun
60 – G.O.D, Son HoYoung
61 – SNSD, Seohyun
62 – Shinhwa, Junjin
63 – H.O.T., Moon Heejun
64 – Shinhwa, Shin Hyesung
65 – Click B, Oh, JongHyeok
66 – SNSD, Yuri
67 – Super Junior, Hangyeong
68 – Sechs Kies, Jang Suwon
69 – CSJH, Dana
70 – Super Junior, Kibeom
71 – FIN.K.L, Leejin
72 – Taesaja, Park Junsook
73 – NRG, Moon Seonghun
74 – Baby Vox, Kan Miyeon
75 – Click B, Kim Sanghyuk
76 – SS501, Heo Young Saeng
77 – FIN.K.L, Ok Juhyeon
78 – G.O.D, Denian
79 – Ttma, Soy
80 – 2PM Jaebeom
81 – SHINee, KEY
82 – Sugar, Park Sujin
83 – NRG, No Yumin
84 – 1TYM, Oh Jinhwan
85 – SNSD, Jessica
86 – Shinhwa, Lee Min Woo
87 – F.T.Island, Choi Minhwan
88 – Click B, Yoo Hosook
89 – Super Junior, Donghae
90 – Baby Vox, Shim EunJin
91 – Buzz, Son SungHee
92 – Supernova ,Geonil
93 – Taesaja, Kim hyungjun
94 – SNSD, Sooyoung
95 – Choi Changmin
96 – Milk, Seo Hyunjin
97 – Battle, Hwichan
98 – The TRAX, Jay Kim
99 -Sechs Kies, Kang Aunghoon
100 – Baby Vox Yoon Eunhye


Thursday, March 4, 2010


I dont know if I can do this
But I'll do it confidently

I dont know if I'll ever get it through
But I'll do it confidently

Because confidence is all I have
and my cheerful personality

Mya my wish come true this time

2PM LISTEN TO ME!!! maybe.. ^^"

written by : Moon Ila
at : 28th February 2010

Even if I wish that all of it were lies
So that I could sleep with sparkling hopes
But it’s reality that I couldn’t change
And all I have to do is to live with it

It wasn’t your fault everything turn out to be like this
It wasn’t his, their or anybody’s fault either
We have our reasons, though we couldn’t understand each other fully
This side will help you through
What they called as the thundering storms

What I couldn’t tolerate is the tears that rains
From what they called as despair and dying hopes

Your love, it wouldn’t stop hurting
Your heart, too far, I couldn’t touch it

I want you to always know
That no matter what I’m always there for you
Whether it’s right or wrong
You will never walk this world alone

What we couldn’t tolerate is the despair that fell
On you, on me, on everybody as it’s hurting

Your eyes, it wouldn’t stop hurting
Your pain, I couldn’t do anything to ease it

If you’re near, I’d ask us to hold hands
We’ll get through this and get our smile back
Together we stand, divided we’ll fall
Together we’ll break this through

We’ll never stop believing
What miracles could pull through
This time, it’s not you, it’s not me, it’s not him, it’s not her
It’s us, so strengthen these bonds, don’t break it apart
Even if it’s as thin as the invisible string


I don’t know how you guys are feeling right now, since I’m nowhere to understand your well masked feelings. Though I know it must be hurting since everybody was hurt and that includes me as well. This almost sudden turn of events created a huge thundering storm and storms damaged almost everything, cruelly, without mercy even to those who thought they prepared well for what’s coming. To be honest, the day before the press conference, I already cried, knowing that nothing will change and my hope will be broken. But those tears that fell, wasn’t only for Jay-oppa but for you guys as well. Our circle was very worried about you guys and how the press will go especially Wooyoung-oppa and Chansung-oppa. And even when you guys were on the conference, I was anxious, I really wanted to know what happened and if everything went well over there. But since I was so far away, I’m just an outsider, even if I call myself as MyHottest.

This whole thing still shocked me though, the next day, when I read those articles. It’s heartbreaking and I cried at the cyber café, embarrassing myself. I might be overreacting, and you guys might think that I’m childish but I couldn’t lie to myself that time so I cried. I cried because Jay-oppa isn’t returning and I cried when I thought of how hard it must be on you guys with those fans turning to anti-fans and all.

I couldn’t blame anybody but your entertainment company but let’s just call that as a selfish blaming since I’m not the one to blame anybody since I know just a little about the truth. I understand that you guys made your decisions, according to what I read from the articles. And I understand that you guys said that it was impossible for him to return as 2PM because of his personal mistakes. Though everybody was curious on what he did but I understand that I shouldn’t pry too much on it. You guys were protecting him, right?

Stay strong, that’s what I wanted to say for now. Know that no matter what, there were still fans like me out there that will always support you guys. Let’s just wish that time will wash away this overwhelming anger, sadness, and the despair of the fans. Everything will get better and please stay healthy so that we could smile together again.

And now I’m going to write personal message to you guys. I hope you guys know that you guys still own a lot of love from your hottest.


I personally really like you that I and my sister fought for you, in a childish manner. Then we agreed to share you. It’s funny but that happens when you fangirl over someone. Both of us loves you and adores you in so many ways it’s sad to think that you’re sad and was hurt. The fans posted the picture of you and that girl that was thought to be your girlfriend though you denied. Don’t worry, we will always love you since we knew that you love to love someone. It’s just normal that you have a girl, right?


You’re my number one since I love you the most in the band even though I love the other members too. I don’t know how did you feel when the fans wrote mean things like getting rid of you from variety shows and such but it must be hurting, right? I feel sorry for you and I wish you would always stay strong and move on, walk on confidently, remembering that there were still fans that would love to see you and there are still us that love you no matter what. Please bear in mind that you’re not in this alone, okay?


You’re my sister’s number one so I think I have more of your photos compared to the others. And we love you so much that we thought of going to Thailand when you went there last Valentine. You have a very large fanbase so I’m not that worried about you but still, I want to tell you that we love you and the others too. This thing will pass on, even though it look bad right now. You will pull this through, you have a lot of love, you already know that, right?


You’re like the cutest one in the bunch. If you guys were real bunnies then you’d be the cutest bunny ever. Fans were really worried if you’d cry and that just shows how much we really love you. The some of the fans posted pictures of you looking intoxicated with Seulong and the sexy girls to show that they care about 2PM no more. But I hope you know that there are still fans that will always love you and support you no matter what. It’s a normal thing for 20er boys to be like that, right?


I don’t know what Jay-oppa did that makes you and the others hate him for some time. I was shocked when I heard that but then was relieved that you said that you already forgive him. Junho-oppa, I know you’re strong but even if you’re strong, there’s a limit to it, right? We know that you’re really hardworking and you are hurt a lot so we are also very worried about you when things came out to be like this. I’m really sorry to stay this but please stay strong. I hope it wasn’t too much for you to handle and I want to tell you that we love your smiling eyes and we wish that you’d smile happily again. Oppa, we love you no matter what and we will wait for your honest smile!


You’re one of the cutest maknae I ever seen since you’re one of a kind maknae that kills the fans with your sexiness overload. I was told that you’re actually sensitive and because of that the fans are really worried about you as well. They are worried on how you would feel, how hard everything is going on for you and everything. It was kind of funny seeing some of the fans posted your pictures drinking. I know it was wrong since you’re underage but you’re not the only one in the world that did that. You’re just a little naughty and was caught so I hope you know that we don’t care about that. We will always love you. Don’t drink too much, okay?

The hottest are now split into two, the boycotting team that will not support 2PM without Jay and the supporting team that still support 2PM and does not boycott. I hope you don’t hate the boycotting team since they have their own reasons on why they became like that. I’m on the supporting team but I understand why there is boycotting team. They just wanted Jay back, as much as we, the supporting team wanted him back too. Since we don’t know what he did and everything, most of us still believe in miracle and wish that he’s come back, even though you guys said that it was impossible.

The boycotting team has points that we ourselves couldn’t deny and some of them are really drastic that they attacked the supporting team too. We hope that you guys know that we the supporting team protected you and you’re into this alone. There were fights in MyHottest and it is sad that our leader also resigned because of it. They were blaming her for being in charge of ordering your albums and such. But still we will always be on 2PM’s side.

I don’t really know why I wrote this since the chance of you guys reading it is so slim. But still, 2PM, FIGHTING! We will always wait for the hottest time of the day. WE LOVE YOU! And even though you might hate to hear this but, we will always wait for Park Jaebeom to come back.


ah, when i read this back, im really a child.. ^^" but thats how i really feel that time. I LOVE YOU 2PM!

Friday, February 26, 2010

2PM Jaebeom, 2PM and JYPE.

It is sad when you read about his latest news, about him, his mistakes, withdrawal and all that shit JYPE posted. =[

read here,

Excerpts from JYP Entertainment’s online letter:

“On December 22nd, 2009, Jaebeom confessed to Jung Wook representative that he had done something wrong during Again and Again promotions. Apparently, it was far more serious than his MySpace controversy.

The six other members were not notified then as they were busy with year-end activities. On January 3rd, 2010, everyone of us (along with the members) sat down for a discussion and came to an agreemen
t 3 days later that it was no longer possible for Park Jaebeom to continue activities along with 2PM.

We thus decided to terminate our exclusive contract with Jaebeom.”

JYPE stated that Jaebeom’s social impulses were a private matter and will not be revealed. They expressed that it was difficult to reveal the details of Park Jaebeom’s offenders who had intruded into his privacy and posted the comments.

JYPE had planned for Jaebeom’s comeback back in November 2009, with the idea of a return in April 2010, to which Jaebeom himself agreed. The plan was for Jaebeom to return to Korea in the 3rd week of February 2010 and have a press conference before resuming activities with 2PM in April. This comeback news were all kept secret, with the aim of protecting Jaebeom and 2PM. But it has now all become void.

user posted image

We can only hope that the JYP conference planned for the 27th along with the 2PM fan communities will proceed smoothly. Currently, 100 Hottests have gathered at the JYPE building in Seoul to protest at the point of writing.

Source: http://www.allkpop.com/2010/02/jaebeom-is-...eturning-to-2pm

The netizens are again talking about Jaebum’s official withdrawal from 2PM and his termination of his contract with JYP

On February 25th at 8PM, JYPE, 2PM’s company, revealed through JYPE’s official website that Jaebum has terminated his contract with the company and has officially left 2PM. It was a long message but it said the reason for his withdrawal was Jaebum’s personal mistake. They ended the contract because his mistake could lead to a bigger crisis than the controversy from last September. The letter also said that JYPE was planning on Jaebum’s comeback in March, with the agreement from the other 6 members.

The sudden withdrawal-contract termination announcement, the fans are in a big turmoil. Pop audiences are also in uproar. People are having expectations mixed with mourn, such as “It seems like we have crossed a river that you can’t already cross” and fans are having ‘hope as thin as string.”

One pop audience carefully showed his opinion: “They already ended the contract. I think we came too far to go back.” Also, JYPE already raised the reason as Jaebum’s ‘personal mistake’ so if this ‘personal mistake’ is true, Jaebum could have uneasiness in the future. There are predictions saying that the situation can be even more depressing if we keep digging into the problem.

However, fan’s responses are ‘It’s sad.’ The belief that Jaebum will return, a belief they had for the last 4 months, was suddenly crushed completely, and they are resenting the attitude of ‘Jaebum’s return is possible’ JYP has had. Many fans have left the official fan café shouting for JYP boycott. Fans say “We can’t trust JYP’s position” and is raising their voices that they have been decepted.

In the middle of this, many people are wondering about the meeting between 2PM and their fans that will be held on February 27th. This meeting will be 2PM’s first move after the situation of Jaebum that has lasted for over 4 months and the termination of Jaebum’s contract.

Even though Jaebum, who has left 2PM and returned to the US, has ended his contract with JYPE, the meeting with 2PM and their fans will be held as originally planned.

However, the fans’ responses to the meeting are very disparaging. The fans have already showed pessimistic responses toward the direction and the procedure of this meeting. This is because the fans are wondering if JYPE is having this meeting to appease the fans who are exploding with questions about Jaebum. One of 2PM’s fans has strongly asked for a change in the procedure.

Also, because Jaebum’s termination of his contract has been publicly announced in the afternoon of February 25th, the fans and also other netizens are focused on how this meeting will be held and on what they will be talking about. Some of the netizens are predicting, “Since the issues are serious, wouldn’t there be genuine talks?” but other netizens respond, “The issues are very sensitive and since decisions have already been made, wouldn’t only expected statements be made?”



I'm really really really FUCKIN sad.. =[ How could this happen? Jay!!!! and now the fans are really angry. Today is their conference day. I'm very anxious. Poor 2PM.. =[

I dont know what to think or what to say anymore.

All I want to do now is just..

CRY my hearts out.

2PM = 7, no more no less.. =[

Everybody, pray that Jaebeom is coming back. And please pray that JYPE doesnt terminate his contract yet.. ;-;

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Nickhun IS CUTE!~ and TALENTED

I don't know. When I heard Taera's friends hating Nickhun, it just went to my blood. Guess what? I'm a 2PM addict. Or Taera call it as, "Peminat tegar 2PM". To be honest, Nickhun got a low ranking in my rank list but I really liked him and I think he is just awesome.

So, here, I'm exclaiming,

Nickhun is,

and everything that is good. He is also protective.

Eventhough he couldn't beat Taec, Jun K and Angang Wooyoung in my heart, he's still one of the best.


Can't Stop Loving You

I'm posting my lyrics/poem here since I'm too lazy to open up my Blue Cresent. =[ I'm really in depressing mood. I missed him, I missed him more and more everyday. And I wrote this for him. Sometimes I wish, I just could wish that I could see him. One day, maybe at 2AM or 2PM.

Title : Can't Stop loving You
Writer : Malilith Ila

Stop running away from me
Stop ignoring me like I wasn't there
Because when you do, it hurts me
More than you could ever imagine

I miss you, I miss your smile, I want you back
I want to hold you, don't wanna hold myself back
I'll reach out for you, I'll come to you, back to you

There were times where I cried late at night
When the thoughts of not having you come running through
Why can't I just let you, why can't I let you go
Days after days, I keep thinking of you
I don't know how to stop it

And when you turn your back from me
I saw your shaking shoulders
Then i knew that you cried
But why did you leave
When you know I can't live without you

I miss you, I need you, I want you back in my life
I want to hold you, don't wanna hold myself back
I'll reach out for you, I'll come to you, back to you

I can't stop wondering how do you do
Even when I know I can't be with you
But still I wished every single night
Before I went to my dreamless sleep
That somehow you'll come back to me

Even if you forget about me someday
Even if you have someone else
I know I'll still pour my heart for you
Because I don't know how to stop loving you


Really, I could sing to it. But I'm not that good yet. How do I train my vocal to sound good? I'm really dissapointed with my own singing. =[ I need more guidance...

Random thoughts:
Junsu-oppa, I love you!~ Today i made my first post to you. lol Funny, I was nervous. Saranghae yo!~
I need to sleep. I didn't sleep for the whole day and night yesterday. And my head is hurting like hell.
Yah! I am sooooo jealous with the girls around Taec-oppa. =[ Haha! I'm a bad fan. lol
I'm sleepy... and hungry... all in one.

end of final semester exam for sem 2

yah. but i suck so much i really wish that somebody came to me and kill me right now. :[

and right now, it's raining. only adding more to my depression.


but at least the final exam's over....
now i can start back where i left on the fictions and fanfictions and such.

la la la la~

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Baby Malilith Ila

meh, just because I just scanned them. lol

Thursday, January 21, 2010

depression attacks

i just wanted to cry. and cry and cry and cry. again and again and again.

and where's people when i needed them?

i failed chemistry which means i got 0.00 for my pointer. i dragged everything down and i'm really depressed about it. i'm whiny, i suck, and i just suck.

and my aunt just called, i was reluctant to pick up and i accidentally pressed reject so i accidentally rejected her call. i really wanted to cry now.

and right now, i fear for my sanity.

Monday, January 11, 2010

tired of waiting

mood : despair
song : my heart - 2PM

"there's just too much that one could say when he's pressed between his love and his sanity." -Bloodress

my heart ache. though i don't know why.

why? why?
i can't seem to stop loving.


there were parts of me that's screaming and another parts lying.

and which part is screaming? why are you lying?

i'm dwelling into the past again. and i hate myself for being like this.

because sometimes you just couldn't help it. you missed him don't you?

little by little, i tried to stop this overflowing feeling. but i'm losing my sanity.

because you love him too much.

i feel worthless and that's why it just hurt more.



i'm stressed, i'm stressed to the core.

i hated waiting yet

it was the thing that i did the most in my life.

pity me, huh?

that's why, i won't wait for anyone anymore.

if you love me, don't make me wait.

because that's one of the thing i DESPISE the most.


and still, i'm waiting

for you.


"i'll just cry tomorrow

because i can't do it in front of you." - Ila


i was interested in knowing myself. because i don't know myself worser than you.


look at me.

and tell me that i'm beautiful.


"i'm waiting for someone, to translate my heart." - Ila


"don't you pity yourself? for crying out like this?" -Alexiel


i'm missing you. more than i'm missing anyone else.

and the thought of not being able to see you ever again, made it even harder to breathe.


"when i first saw you, you were emotionless. then i know, you're broken." - Lex


"i'd tapped you on your shoulder. just because i want you to know that I care about you." - Camille


someone please save me


someone to love : Fye I. Malilith
statement of the day : my heart, is still beating

Friday, January 8, 2010

Questions (repost)

Tittle : Questions
Author : Ila Way

Eventhough it was too much, I still wanted to ask you…

“Fye, lets play 20 questions,” said Ila, smiling to the silver-haired one.
“Oh, that game?”
Ila smiles, nodding to the question. “Why do you like that game so much?”
“Tee hee, because I love to hear your answers. And I should be the one questioning here,” she smiles again with hands brushing Fye’s hands.
“Oh, I see. Forgive me. Then, I’ll answer every single of them just for you.”

“Do you love me?” – “I do”
“Do you care about me?” – “I do”
“Do you really love me?” – “Yes, I do”
“Do you really care about me?” – “Yes, I do”
“Do you love Malilith?” – “I do”
“Do you really love Malilith?” – “Yes, I do”
“Do you care about him?” – “I do”
“Do you really care about him?” – “Yes, I do”
“Would you cry if I die?” – “I would”
“Would you cry if Malilith die?” – “I would”
“How much do you love me?” – “As much as you do”
“How much do you love Malilith?” – “As much as he does”
“How much do you love us?” – “More than myself”
“Have you ever thought that we are annoying?” – “Never”
“Have you ever thought that we are cute?” – “Always”

So, the question continues and Fye gladly answer every single of them until…

“How long will you stay with us?”

That last question… The last question… There is no answer coming from Fye. Ila stares blankly at him, waiting. He sighed and…

“Forever, my love”

But he lied. He never stay. He never did. He is the first to leave us… for eternity.

Eventhough I know it will hurt me, I still wanted to hear it…

“Will you ever leave?” – “Stop asking”
“Will you ever leave me?” – “Stop asking”
“Will you ever leave me like Fye did?” – “Stop…”
“Will you ever, Malilith… *holds herself* Will you ever…-” – “STOP IT!”

Malilith. He is the one who never answer, He never answer me. No matter how many times I asked him. No matter how…

“Malilith… W… Will you ever… -”
“It’s not like that! I… I just… Just wanted to…”
“If you keep on asking, I’ll kill myself,” said Malilith in threatening voice. “I will, Ila. I will”

No matter how painful it is, he will never answer. He will never… Unlike Fye…

But he creid everyday… Everyday when I did not ask…

“Why remain like this?”
“You want me to ask”
“No, I don’t”
“Will you ever-”
“You’re crying”
“You too”

Everytime I ask, I really mean it. Everytime you look into my eyes, I can’t control my tears, but so do you. You can’t answer me because you don’t want to hurt me but it actually hurts more when you… never answer…

“Don’t leave me…”

Silence. And that’s how we cried ourself to sleep.

“Dear Fye, will Malilith ever leave me?”
“He won’t”
“Are you lying?”
“I don’t”


This was posted at blue cresent before but since i read it back, i was touched by my OWN honesty towards myself. i couldn't get it back, now.

this was originally written 2 years ago.

Kiri, the mist

mood : tired
song : my heart - 2PM

Title : Kiri
Author : Ila Way!

It has been cold since the last time my eyes were laid on him. It has been hard for me. It has been so lonely in the sea of people. I longed for him yet that’s the only thing that I should stop wishing for. He was long gone and after all this time I always stared at the cold tea, wondering if he’d join me tonight. It was stupid. It was an act of denial. I don’t want to believe that he was gone so I told myself that he was somewhere hidden in this world. I can’t seem to forget him yet I tried so hard to forget the last moments of his life. How cruel is that? I’m being selfish again. For once I regretted being the devil in the family. I live too long. I should have died back then but I didn’t. I fucking didn’t. And there she was with her eyes on me. I knew she hated me so much but I could bring myself to hate her. In fact, I love her and sometimes I thought she is sexy as hell.

But there I was all alone in the dark as she stared at me with her anger filled eyes. I couldn’t say a thing at first until her pale hand reached to my neck and pulled me up almost painfully. I was trying to avoid eye contact with her and that’s when she smacked me so hard I bleed.

“Stop being like this, idiot. Idiot. Idiot. I hate you”

That’s what she said back then with anger. When I didn’t response, she hit me again, this time with her knee up to my stomach. It hurts so much. But it doesn’t hurt as much as losing him. So I kept silenced and averted my eyes, I can’t bear to look her in her eyes. I knew she’s glaring at me but I’d ignore it almost pitifully. Then she brought another hand up to my chin and lifted my face as she demand for an eye contact. I couldn’t comply with her wish. It was hard and I don’t have the guts to. And once again she raised her hands up and a loud slap could be heard.

“I didn’t even know why the hell Malilith would love someone as weak as you. You’re nothing than a trash. You’re not worth it. You’re nothing worth for him! You fucking whore! I hate you more than you could ever imagine and seeing you as pathetic as this makes me angry to the core. Fuck you! I hate you!”

Her anger was filled with despair. She knew she couldn’t have Malilith and she always hated me for the attention I got from him. I don’t know why but hearing she said something like that hurts so much and it feels as if she’s stabbing me continuously. I can’t bear it so tears leaked out of my eyes. It hurts so much. I like her but she hated me and her comment about I’m not worth Malilith’s time hurts big time. She glared at me. I was weak and I cried and she hated it so much. She hated it the most when people cried. She raised her hand again and gave another slap, this time harder than ever before she abruptly released her other hand that was choking me the whole time only that it wasn’t hard enough to actually kill me. I did not register her sudden release and fall onto the cold floor almost loudly. It hurts but I couldn’t get it straight.

She turned around, her breathing in pants. I know she is angry by the way she acted. She walked straight to the door, leaving me in emptiness with myself alone. She didn’t even spare a glance when she said another cruel sentence.

“I resign. Don’t you ever search for me! I fucking resign from here. I can’t see you. You made me sick.”

And that was the last time I saw her back as I cried to myself. I was being a crybaby again and she surely didn’t help. When I look back today, I knew, I actually loved her. And to lose her is something that I really regret until now.

someone to love : Ackroyd Michaelis (Rainbow Thread)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I know I love KHR

1. The word extreme makes you think of Ryohei
2. Every time you hear the word Lamborghini you think of our little cow.
3. Every time you pass by a pineapple, see a pineapple, or even think of one, you instantly think of Mukuro or Chrome.
4. You pay more attention to numbers in real life (i.e. 59, 27, 80, 18, etc.); Whenever you see the numbers, your mind instantly converts them back to character names
5. You have actually found numbers in real life of a Reborn pairing (1869, 8059, etc.)
6. You have at least one Reborn-related item in your room- whether that be a printed out picture, to doujinshi, to plushies and others.
7. Have/thought [about] cosplay[ing/ed] as one of the characters.
8. You try to learn Italian.
9. You start wearing more 'mafia'-like clothing.
10. Almost every single Reborn OP and ED are/is in your ipod/zune/whatever you use.
11. You practically memorized the Namimori anthem
12. You have said 'Kamikorosu' or 'Bite you to death' at least once. (DO NOT DENY THIS) ; You have a sudden urge to say a teacher you'll bite them to death.
13. You remember the characters ク and フ thanks to Mukuro's Kufufu.
14. When you recently buy a new car and you choose a Reborn-related license plate. (I would. lol)
15. You remember your locker combination because it consists of Reborn numbers.
16. You realize that the Reborn numbers is/are part of your phone number[s].
17. When you are reading your history textbook and see Giotto (A realism artist of the 1300s) you keep on thinking he has relationships to the mafia.
18. When you figure out the English-equivalent to Giotto's name (It's Geoffrey, according to the internet.) and laugh. Then go "o_o"
19. Command your friends to do it with their "DYING WILLLLL"
20. Hibird is your ringtone ; Your ringtone comes from the show -- or even worse, a fanvid.
21. You combine food according to reborn pairings.
22. You remember the vocab word "bellicose" only because of Belphegor.
23. When reading books White Fang you start comparing/matching up characters to KHR characters
24. You are bored in class and begin to doodle pineapples and hibirds.
25. If someone tells you to choose a random number you choose one of the character numbers [ 69, 27, etc. ]
26. You begin to use a character's trademark sayings such as "KYOKUGEN!", "Kufufu" etc.
27. Pin up many KHR images/items just to stare at them.
28. Hug your KHR cushion at night? [ or, you want one just for the sake of hugging it... ]
29. If someone mentions 69 you think of Mukuro and not that one...position.
30. Encourage friends who don't know anything related to KHR, to read the manga or watch the anime.
31. Attempted to do the "kufufu" laugh... and failed.
32. Absolutely any mention of Hitman makes you think of Reborn.
33. Any time it rains or threaten to rain, you want to shake a fist at Yamamoto; any kind of weather forecast makes you think of Reborn characters. xD ; whenever the weather forecaster says something, your mind goes to KHR pairings... (example : "today is going to be sunny with a bit cloudy at the afternoon..."
34. You suddenly pay more attention to ANYTHING Italian (including Giada de Laurentiis, Food Network host of Everyday Italian)
35. You pay more attention to cute yellow birds.
36. "Goku" makes you first think of KHR, not Dragonball, not Gensomaden Saiyuki.
37. Any mention of a scanner in your area makes you go, "Spanner? Where? Where?!"
38. You've started a lollipop habit thanks to Spanner.
39. Every time to hit a certain speed limit (18, 27, 50, 80?!?) you have to point it out to anyone in the car.
40. Your friends are pretty much forced to read/watch it in order to stay friends with you since 90% of what you say is a KHR reference.
41. You talk about KHR characters using their number names.
42. If you want to bother someone [ or are bored ] you start singing KHR character songs.
43. You've tried to find KHR fans by wearing pineapple hairstyle, cosplaying, wearing a hibird, etc.
44. You crack KHR jokes and memes to other people, although you're the only one who will get it.
45. You have dreams with KHR characters in it.
46. You have an account (anywhere) that has a username that relates to KHR
47. You learn how to hold tonfas correctly by cosplaying Hibari
48. When you make your personal messages on msn/aim/whatever Italian.
49. You start eating candies and grapes because of Lambo.
50. You forget the cosplayers' names and just call them by who they're cosplaying as. And you still call them by that character, even when they're cosplaying another character.
51. You try to match your favourite food to your fave character's food.
52. You sing their character songs are karaoke.
53. You see Oofuri as an offspring of Namimori's baseball club, orz
54. You laugh when you see a "Tutor Wanted" poster.
55. You're waiting for this list to hit a certain Reborn number. xD
56. Any other anime character/whatever with Byaku in it makes you think of Byakuran.
57. Thinking of the military or looking at any kind of rifle reminds you of Colonello.
58. You catch yourself calling your frog plushie Fantasma.
59. You no longer buy original manga because all your money is spent on Reborn doujinshi.
60. Your cellphone straps are/is your Reborn OTP(s)
61. You want to find out what colour your Dying Will Flame would be. :'D
62. Bothering someone to the extreme by calling them Juudaime.
63. Nearly wear your varia jacket nearly constantly. everywhere you go.
64. You're constantly on the look out for Dying-Will Boxers.
65. You stalk this community. Every day. ; Can't wait to check this community when you get home, always thinking about it at school/work (Refers to the KHR com on LJ. And yes you can find me there)
66. You hear the word "VOIIIII" and think of Squalo immediately.
67. You see eyebrows remotely similar to Genkishi's, then think to yourself "Those eyebrows are against school rules."
68. Go on reborn related sites during school/work hours.
69. Read Reborn manga/doujin during school
70. You spread KHR BL, you give your friend KHR BL doujin.
71. In order to promote KHR, you tell your friends that certain KHR characters look like characters from another series.
72. in the morning, when you wake up, you yell "REBORNNN!"
73. You can't concentrate on reading a text when you see an "X" every time
74. Eating/seeing marshmallows makes me think of Byakuran.
75. When you receive a 27% on assignments/tests -- Your HAPPY! (Same rule applies with other marks.. 18, 69, 59, 80, 100(haha), 96, etc...)
76. The emoticon 'XD' makes your laugh hysterically.
77. You read your 'marks out of' completely differently (Eg: 18/27, 27/59, 69/100, 18/69, etc..)
78. More than 80%(haha) percent of your avatars/images are KHR related... (Okay maybe about 59% xD)
79. You laugh when you find out that "VOI!" is actually an Italian word. Then LAUGH HARDER at it's translation. (Voi = All of you)
80. Think Axel from KH2 is Marmon All Grown Up.
81. You immediately think Arcobaleno when passing by any pacifiers/babies with pacifiers
82. You had a laughing fit when figuring out that "Vongola" means "clam".
83. Believe that the "O RLY" Owl is really 69 in disguise.
84. Have tried to make/have made a functional singing Hibird plushie.
85. When you spend 2 hours coming up and filling out prompts for fanfic, then 6 hours trolling the internet for the ever elusive fanfic with Ryohei inside.
86. You started to mention Pineapple as 'Nappo'
87. You remembered Dr. Shamal when you see mosquito
88. Your desktop/cellphone wallpaper is KHR
89. You tried to create a dance for "Kufufu no Fu"
90. When you heard 'samsara' or 'reincarnation', you suddenly thought about Mukuro
91. You ever played at least 1 KHR game (I WANT TO!!!!!!!)
92. When you wanted to buy a fish, you suddenly thought about Tuna (Tsuna)
93. Seeing Kangaroo made you thought about Ryouhei
94. Seeing rainbow made you remembered the ring guardians
95. You started to like shark because of Squalo.
96. You wanted to have a turtle because of Enzio
97. You thought about Dino Cavallone instead of Dinosaur when you heard someone said 'Dino'
98. You started to call every animals/pets you meet by their names in KHR (Cat=Uri, Turtle=Enzo, Yellow Birds=Hibird,) even though they already have names.
99. You're scared you can't get close to sakura anymore because you got bit by mosquitos.
100. Whenever you meet your friends who're also fans of KHR, you always talk about KHR and gossips about the characters. (I sont have people around who like reborn... sadly)
101. Your notebook is full of KHR doodles, which makes you scolded by teacher. Instead of feeling guilty, you actually tried to spread KHR virus to your teacher.
102. You know that Mammon is a male, but can't help to hope that he is a female because of those seriously adorable fanarts of her/him.
103. You wish you could pull off a Yamamoto when you don't understand something.
104. You can't help but think that Kyoko is Tsuna's long lost twins, because of the similarity of their appearance (and sometimes personality).
105. Bad tasted cooking=Poison cooking, and then you're afraid that you're going to die.
106. You remember many kanji because they're the kanji representing 'Rain' and 'Storm' etc in Japanese ; Sometimes the kanji of characters' names.
107. When you're bored when you were in car, you start to set eyes on car plates, if their plates have KHR's numbers on it.
108. You wish you could steal those plates if you find it.
109. You start to see Mafia in much nicer view. ; You're starting to see the mafia in a more positive light and have considered trying to join.
110. In fact, you think that their bosses are nice and cute like Tsuna or Dino.
111. you want to watch The Godfather if you haven't seen it before.
112. You would practically scream at the top of your lungs when you see a KHR cosplayer or faint, depends
113. When you buy a KHR related object/item/souvenir (taking a figurine for example), you would carry it around with you for the rest of the day, playing with it, hugging it, kissing it, and even going to sleep with it.
114. If you are a boy (or maybe a girl), you would sometimes/often copy the hairstyle of your favourite Reborn! male character ; You take pride in having hair similar to a character's.
115. When you are doing an exercise and you know it that you are tired, you still keep pushing yourself because pushing yourself to the limit reminds you of Ryohei and is EXTREME!!
116. You are all giggly and smiling and happy when one of your friends or anybody else tells you that you are identical to one of the Reborn! characters.
117. You see a rainbow (in the sky, in a t-shirt in the TV, anywhere!) automatically think in the Arcobaleno
118. You greet people by 'Ciaossu'
119. When you're actually planning to get a tattoo of your favourite/s character/s
120. When you write with a permanent maker the numbers of your OTP on your body
121. You ACTUALLY yelled "IT'S OVER 9,000 200,000!!!!!11one"
122. You start using the phrase "EXTREME LIKE DINOSAURS EXPLODING" after reading that awesome Lussuria/Ryouhei fic
123. You actually WAIT for your digital clock to hit a certain time (18:27, 18:48, 18:59 etc) ; When your clock says 18:27 or 18:59 or something like that, you just giggle to yourself.
124. Every time you see someone in a black/grey suit you think of TYL!characters.
125. You want to adopt a hedgehog after chapter 210 of the manga. (HELL YEAH!)
126. You use your fav pairing (5927, 8018, 6918...) as your PIN number.
127. You yell "Reborn!" whenever you're determined to do something.
128. You start wearing your jacket like Hibari does because you think it looks cool.
129. You try to learn how to play the piano or to play baseball. ; You've started to take piano lessons to be more like Gokudera
130. You choose tuna sandwich whenever you order sandwich.
131. When you see purple food, you think that it's Poison Cooking
132. When you look at Chikusa and his tattoo, you are tempted to take him to the store and scan him to see how much he would cost. (LOL)
133. You randomly spout out "VOI - (insert rest of sentence here)" whenever you are bothered by something... or you just feel like being obnoxious.
134. You hear the word "kora!" and you instantly think of Colonello.
135. You start saying kora.
136. You've taken to nicknaming people around you after the character nicknames, ending up with deranged names like 'Lawned Octopus' or 'Owlbird' or even worse 'Pineapplebird-head'
137. You regularly find yourself stalking following people in black suits to see if they lead you to the Mafia. (hahahaha)
138. You quote the characters more than speak yourself.
139. You try to talk to babies like they can understand you.
140.Lizards make you LOL!
141. When you saw the title of "Hibari no Kokoro" by SPITZ (or if you heard of it), you went to download it immediately.
142. You read 'Shark friendly Tsuna sandwich' instead of 'Dolphin friendly tuna sandwich.
143. When someone is about to punch you, you make a rectangle with your index fingers and thumbs, trying to pull off the Zero Point Breakthrough.
144. You wonder if getting your hand chopped off will make you a better swordsman.
145. You really wish creepy music would start playing in the background every time you appear out of nowhere.
146. You have started wearing a tiara, and DAAAAMN does it feels princely~
147. Whenever you go in to the cafeteria in your school, you suspect that the horrible foods were cooked by Bianchi.
148. You go around claiming that you're a prince, even though you're not and you're a girl.
149. Roadkills are definitely an accessory. So are roboclaws and tiaras.
150. You actually try to figure out WHERE exactly Gokudera lives (and you have funny theories about that!)
151. You have gone through the entire manga searching for the brand Gokudera smokes.
152. You excitedly wear the gloves with a giant X on them so you can pretend to be casual-wear Tsuna.
156. Think its destiny that you and particular character share the same birthday, angry when its not your favourite character.
157. You're not sure why, but you have reason to believe Byakuran is actually Longchamp in disguise.
158. You notice you start saying "wao" now. Even if it's used more for "wow" than "weakling".
159. You start learning Kendo because you want to be like Yamamoto.
160. You buy suitable fabric (by asking the shopkeeper to rec. cloth best for suits worn by the mafia), take your reborn manga to the tailor, and begged her to make the exact same suits as seen in manga for you to wear to work.
161. You wear tailored smart-looking suits to work despite only holding a clerical position.
162. You start taking piano lessons and wear suits to them.
163. Someone from the KHR dept spoke to you about not including the word 'extreme' in your emails
164. You start putting in more effort at work so that you can impress your boss
165. You got a part time job as a tutor.
166. You turn up for your tutoring sessions wearing suits (and it scares the sh!t out of your student, his mother tells you)
167. You wear a Vongola ring everyday and everyone knows the significance of it
168. Your work desk has a lot of KHR stuff that you actually use
169. Your boss and colleagues all knows about you and KHR and the mafia etc but does not do anything extreme to stop you because 1. they've given up and 2. you've actually become a more efficient employee because of it
170. Your cellphone looks exactly like Hibari's (and your ringtone is Hibird...) (I WANT ONE!)
171. You suck on a lollipop when things get stressful at work.
172. You greet your friends with "VOOOOIIII!!!" and then laugh like mad.
173. You asked your friend whether it is safe to let her pet turtles go near water (they were swimming!!!) when you visited her house.
174. You made such a ruckus when you saw the number "0859" on the lottery results page that your mom asked you how much did you nearly win
175. You go to a supermarket/minimarket and search for a jam/juice, you automatically search for pineapple flavour even if you don't like it.
176. You feel totally guilty when you have to eat pineapples
177. You started to name you stuffs with KHR names (ie. Owl plushie would be Mukuro.)
178. You memorized Namimori Anthem better than your school anthem
179. Sometimes you see candles as DYNAMITE.
180. You spent more space for KHR stuffs in your Harddisk much more than for your work/project/paper
190. You went EXTREMELY happy when you found SAKURA-FLAVORED Kit-Kat
191. You wish you live in Japan just for the sake of the Doujinshi and Cons.
192. You've set one of your passwords to one of the KHR pairing numbers
193. you started to wonder where Hibari lived and like what are his parents
194. you searched for KHR music sheets/keys so you can play it yourself
195. you memorized well some of KHR characters' lines, even you don't know what the hell is that mean
196. You started to love sushi because of Yamamoto; or else, you're afraid of sushi because of Bianchi
197. you searched for black pyjamas just to match hibari
198. you started to wash your clothes manually like Basil
199. You started to make fanfic/fanart/doujin/amv/stufss that is/are related to KHR
200. You realized that number 38 all the way up there mentioned Spanner. (It's his number to those who forgot.)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

counting the nights

mood : sleepy
song : Eden - Dai

case 1


I think it's probably because I fell in love for Hibari all over again. lol I don't know why but he seems to own me now. xD And yesterday I got a new info about Hibari-san.

Hibari in TYL arc is 205 cm high and he weigh 98 kg.

I was like... O_O OMG! **censored**! HIBARI IS SO **censored**ING TALL!

at first I was really... well, kind of scared hearing that since (I had a huge crush on him) he's so tall and I'm only 153cm... (and I weigh 42 kg)

Then later, I find it sexually appealing. I started to like tall people now. lol


case 2

Ex boyfriend case, again. lol He sent me these.

[From : Megat-kun
To : Malilith Ila

sun= Malilith
cloud= Mukuro

Then.. Who am I to you..? I want to be with you but you refuse.. You said that I am your cloud but it changed.. So I guess you right.. I am not worth for it anymore.. I want to ask you for the last time.. Do you want to be with me or not? Please answer it sincerely. ]

what I did is only smile. YES SMILE, DAMMIT!

First of all,

it's true that Malilith is my SUN. he lighten my darkest lonely hours and he was always there when i needed him, when i wanted him. he never fail to complete me. it was a tough job since i practically have a lot of holes. but he fills me indiscriminately.

but, Mukuro is NOT my CLOUD. he is the mist, the one that moves, appears and disappears without a sound. never to be caught, never to be bound. No, he's not my cloud. you're wrong, Gen-chan. Mukuro to me is my ideal lust. he is sexy as hell and everytime i saw him, my head just screamed SEX! but i don't necessarily love him.

my cloud is the cloud guardian of Vongola Tenth, Hibari Kyouya. He is the CLOUD. I fell in love with him again and again everyday. i know he was a fantasy but no one said that it's wrong to dream. so, yes, i want my own Hibari. and when i found him, i'll love him.

if you're wrong at this part, that means you really don't know me. what can i say anymore? even my not so close friend knew that Hibari is my cloud and not Mukuro. then, ask yourself again. Do you even know me enough to say that you love me?

and for your personal information, Fye is my SKY.

Yes, Mukuro had this very high sex appeal to me. Especially when he's older. lol I'd surrender.

case 3

lately i've been having a really bad sleep quality. i couldn't sleep much. i'm getting sensitive and everytime i woke up, i feel anxious and tired. there's something wrong with me but i don't know what is it.


someone to love : Hibari Kyouya
statement of the day : I think I'm a pedo................ maybe...........

Why? You ask? Because I just saw this chibi Hibari picture and I fell in love with it. Then, I saw Mukuro's chibi picture and I thought... he was... sexy... so... I'm really wondering if I... started to develop... pedo... haha...

Later I read... .......................................................................... a pedo fiction....................... which is... M-Rated...............

I think I should question my sanity again.