Thursday, December 31, 2009

tired this time

honestly, i'm tired of myself. i don't want to see myself anymore and i don't want to live as Nur Nabilah Rosli anymore.

"Sometimes I saw she cried, in her bed but I never knew why."

Sometimes I saw you saw me crying and I don't give a damn what you're thinking. And you never asked, that's what hurts more. And I'm wasting my time with fantasizing and dreaming and answering.

Like this **censored**.
Just to make me happy.

1. Do you still talk to the person you fell the hardest for?

2. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
-yes and it was unpleasent

3. Are you obsessed with someone?

4. Does it bother you when people go through your phone?
-not really

5. Do you like more than one person right now?

6. Name something that you would love to eat right now.
-i'm hungry but i couldnt think of anything right now

7. Did you get any compliments today?

8. Who was the last person to call you?
-Megat, the person I least wanted to talk to right now

9. If you could pick a temperature the rest of your life, what would it be?
-any temperature that could freeze me to death

10. Do you steal people's boyfriends or girlfriends?

11. Are you happy?
-no, in this particular moment

12. Who was the last person you texted?

13. Who was the last person you im'd?
-I dont remember

14. Are you moody?
-maybe, right now

15. Last person/people you hung out with?
-myself, sadly

16. What is the biggest lie you have ever told?
-I've **censored**ed somebody

17. Have you ever smoked on campus?

18. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?

20. Are you single?

21. Have you ever gone to a nude beach?
-No, it will scar me forever, thank you

22. Have you ever had a stalker?
-When I was younger, yeah

23. Who was the last person to make you mad?

24. Are you thirsty?
-kind of

25. What are you listening to?
-sound of chairs

26. What do you do before bed?

27. Have you ever lied to your parents?
-of course

28. Have you ever worn your best friend's clothes?
-yes =] (yay i finally smiled lol)

29. Have you ever thrown up from working out?

30. Who do you miss?
-lots of people

31. Where are your siblings right now?
-at home lol

i now prounounce

myself as an emotionally unstable, perverted, sick, psychotic, crazy, hyper, loser, poor, sad Ila. haha

and i'm tired.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


mood : hungry
song : heartbreaker - GD
moment of the day : sleeping at the library

I'm the cool cat, meow~

I think I should date myself and see how far it will go. lol Since I'm generally so fucked up in love relationship. The people I love always leave me and the people I dont love always come for me. haha. I'll stop searching but I'll keep on waiting, for you, dear, love.

I love my thigh. haha! actually i have a thigh showing fetish. *nosebleed*

(the second time i look at my pic again) I'M UGLY YAHHHHHHHHH

By the way, I LOVE HIBARI!


1) I miss somebody right now. (Malilith, Fye, myself, and my friends)
2) I do not watch tv these days. (yes. that score big time! haha)
3) I wear glasses or contact lenses. (yes, but glasses only)
4) I love to play video games. (yesh! fighting and racing's cool!~)
5) I have tried marijuana. (not yet and never)
6) I have been in a threesome. (uh, best to say no)
7) I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (kind of but not usually)
8) I have changed mentally over the last year. (too much! xD)
9) I curse. (yeah but not always =])
10) I am totally smart. (maybe, depends on what subject it is. haha)
11) I've broken someone's bones. (never yet, i think)
12) I am paranoid sometimes. (kind of always, sometimes, haha)
13) I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (nope, thanks)
14) I need money right now. (indeed coz i wanna conquer the world xD)
15) I love sushi. (LIKE FREAKING LOVE IT!)
16) I talk really, really fast. (i dont think so...)
17) I have long hair. (yesh and i'm proud of it xD)
18) I have lost money in Las Vegas. (not yet, haha!)
19) I have at least one sibling. (yeah, i have 6 lol)
20) I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. (whenever it was necessary)
21) I couldn't survive without Caller ID. (lol maybe no)
22) I like the way I look. (sometimes but i hate it sometimes too)
23) I am usually pessimistic. (yeah... sadly)
24) I have a lot of mood swings. (too much indeed)
25) I have a hidden talent. (i'm not so sure about this but i hope i have)
26) I am always hyper. (yeah hahaha i actually like being hyper)
27) I have a lot of friends. (i think so but good friends and best freinds, not much)
28) I have pecked someone of the same sex. (not yet, hahaha)
29) I enjoy talking on the phone. (yesh ^_^)
30) I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. (nope, i live in jeans and shirts lol)
31) I love to shop. (yesh!)
32) Enjoy window shopping. (sometimes)
33) I would rather shop than eat. (nope)
34) I dont hate anyone. (I HATE SAKURA!)
35) I am a pretty good dancer. (no, i'm wosrt at it)
36) I am completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. (no way, i go out with her everyday lol)
37) I have a cell phone. (of course haha!)
38) I believe in God. (100%)
39) I am an adrenaline junkie. (nope)
40) I watch MTV on a daily basis. (i used to, haha!)
41) I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. (nope)
42) I have rejected someone before. (a bit too much.. haha)
43) I want to have children in the future. (mine? little me? no thanks but i wanted to adopt =])
44) I have changed a diaper before. (yes, my younger brother, lol)
45) I have called the cops on a friend before. (nope)
46) I am not allergic to anything. (yesh)
47) I have a lot to learn. (lots of learning!~)
48) I am shy around members of the opposite sex. (not really)
49) I have made a move on a friend, significant other or crush in the past. (yeah and i was rejected? haha)
50) I have tried alcohol before. (nope)
51) I own the South Park movie. (nope, my friend does xD)
52) I would die for my best friend. (no because i'd live for him)
53) I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. (yeah, hahahahahaha!)
54) I have used my sexuality to advance my career. (nope, not yet)
55) I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. (not really)
56) Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. (yeah haha)
57) I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. (ITS AWESOME!)
58) I am happy at this moment! (not really, im a bit sad)
59) I am obsessed with girls/guys. (I'm kind of obsessed with a ceretain people)
60) I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. (nope)
61) I study for tests most of the time. (nope lol)
62) I am comfortable with who I am right now. (not really...)
63) I have more than just my ears pierced. (nope)
64) I walk barefoot wherever I can. (nope)
65) I have jumped off a bridge. (not yet)
66) I love sea turtles. (they're cute =D)
67) I spend ridiculous money on makeup. (used to)
68) Plan on achieving a major goal dream. (uhm.. a secret ambition but yeah :D)
69) I am proficient in a musical instrument. (nope)
70) I hate office jobs. (not really)
71) I love sci-fi movies. (sometimes)
72) I think water rules. (yesh! i luv water!)
73) I went college out of state. (nope)
74) I like sausages. (nope haha)
75) I love kisses. (freaking of course =P)
76) I fall for the worst people. ( sometimes, yeah)
77) I adore bright colours. (nope, i luv darker ones)
78) I cant live without black eyeliner. (hahaha used to)
80) I usually like covers better than originals. (sometimes)
81) I can pick up things with my toes. (lol yeah xD)
82) I can whistle. (yesh haha)
83) I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither. (yesh hahahahhahaha)
84) I have ridden/owned a horse. (nope =[)
85) I still have every journal I've written in. (nope, i lost some of them)
86) I can stick to a diet. (nope, i love eating)
87) I talk in my sleep. (i'm not sure...)
88) I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions. (nope, i confront it)
89) I have jazz in my blood. (nope haha)
90) Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time. (ah, i wish)
91) I wear a toe ring. (nope)
92) I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with. (yeah but shes gone now)
93) I am a caffeine junkie. (nope haha)
94) I cosplay or know what cosplaying is. (I know what cosplay is AND I WANT TO!)
95) I have been to over 15 conventions. (sadly none yet)
96) I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better. (lol yeah haha)
97) I am an artist. (nope)
98) I only clean my room when necessary. (yeah haha)
99) I like a person of the same sex. (not really)
100) I love being happy. (Of course xD)

Teru, <3>
Someone to love : Teru (Versailles)

Statement of the day : I WANTED TO BE IN THE MAFIA!

settling myself

mood : hungry
song : a boy - GD
moment of the day : i took japanese book and gets confused because of it

I found my old fiction! And I was so happy! Like yay! When I read it back, it brings so much memories. I was so amateur and I wrote it like, very short. I love it anyways since I used the characters in it to death. haha xD

Rating : T
Writer : Ila Way!
Summary : Fye Arthur Darknight was one of the most powerful agent in an organization. He was betrayed and he lost his partner, his true best fiend, the only one he open up to, Faust Dean Grenn. Faust's younger brother then came to replace his brother's place but could he cure up the broken heart?

Myself posing as Teru. Too bad I wasn't as cute as he is.

Posted this just for the sake of myself. I think I needed to love myself more since I started to become pessimistic lately. And I hate it. Sometimes I just wish I could turn back time.

Survey - ON OR OFF


IF A Guy or Girl:

Wears a grill: DC
Dresses Gangsta: OFF
Dresses Preppy: DC
Dresses Skater: OFF
Dresses Athletic: OFF
Dresses Gothic: ON

Has green eyes: DC
Has brown eyes: DC
Has hazel eyes: DC
Has blue eyes: ON

Smokes cigarettes: DC
Smokes weed: OFF
Plays sports: DC
Smiles a lot: ON

Has bad manners in front of you: ON
Has blonde hair: ON
Has brown hair: DC
Has black hair: ON
Has red hair: ON
Has spikey hair: DC
Has no hair: DC
Has long hair: ON
Has curly hair: DC

Good dancer: DC
Wears jewelry: OFF
Piercings: DC
Muscles: OFF
Laid back: DC
Plays guitar: ON
Raps: DC
Can draw: ON

Has a tongue ring: ON
Nipples pierced: DC

Hugs you real tight: ON
Hugs from behind: ON

Creative: ON
Wears glasses: ON
Smart: ON
Calls you just to hear your voice: ON
Kisses you out of no where: ON
Makes the first move: ON

Hibari Kyouya. Isn't him like freaking sexy?
I still can't find anyone better than him, hah! xD
(look at his eyes, lips and neck. total seduction)

someone to love : Hibari Kyouya (KHR)
statement of the day : I need to love myself more
new word : resplendent
-bright, radiant

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

finished with mid sem exam

mood : stressed
song : heartbeat - 2PM
someone to love : Hibari Kyouya (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
statement of the day : I'm a female... sadly...

this was supposed to be posted straight after i finished with mid sem but i didn't get the time, haha! so, i was supposed to whine about how suck i am since i couldn't answer those papers properly and confidently. yeah, i suck big time.

by the way, today i'm gonna clear up everything on my pen drive so, there are actually some notes that i'd like to keep. it brings memories.

note 1
I have replied to this message yesterday but but myspace doesnt really send it i guess.. because today i just noticed that it says red and not replied... =[ waaa!!!

uhm.. firstly! this message gonna sound weird because i cant remember what i just said yesterday! haha! and i have short memory.. -_-" but i'll try to make it look as good as i can!

"You already know that I created Aya out of sadness, right? I want to be her cause she's a happy person who's fun to be with because of her joyfulness. But I'm really saddened that it feels like I'm playing pretend to everyone."

I know.. thats actually the same reason why Malilith is here.. ^^ Actually Aya is still you, dear you, and is truly you that you cant show infront of people.. probably you are faraid to show it..
or maybe you just dont know how to show it..
but the truth is.. you know that Aya is you... a long lost you that youve found back...
so.. youre actually not faking yourself.. at first yes maybe.. but not.. it has become you.. its you who laughed.. its you who smiled...

"I've been sad since I stopped school. I didn't know that my father's sister borrowed a lot of money from him and was not able to pay back. Because of that me and my sisters stopped school. My father's sugar business isn't going well either. So we're experiencing financial problems. I've been out of school since I was twelve, but I'm not losing my hopes of becoming an animator cause I know that I can draw and there's this school that I know I can enter in."

I guess since I only have my sisters to talk with I must be feeling lonely that's why I'm sad. I noticed hat my sisters are hiding something behind my back. I felt that I can't trust them anymore. It feels hard to trust anyone anymore. It feels like evryone are just complete strangers.

One more thing, We don't go outside and we only go outside ocasionally... Especially my sisters. I would go outside when my mom will be buying things at the grocery store but my sisters just stay at home.

I just don't get it? Why I'm feeling scared or angry? I hate this feeling. It annoys me and I'm not able to draw well. I would cry and cry and break things (good thing I haven't destroyed anything). Do you think I'm lonely? Is it true about what my sisters are saying that I'm just over reacting. I hate this everyone feels like strangers. I wish I can talk to somebody but I can't. No one's there.

Everyday I would do nothing at home. I guess I'm scared that I might have nothing for my future. But I do hope I'll be able to get out of this problem.

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry that I've been disturbing you with your work. Do your best and I'll try to cheer up. Even though I know no one is here with me. I know that I can't be lonely since you've been listening to my problems. You're really really are good friend... Take care now...

Do your best okay... I'll do my best too... -from Aya-hime (my freaking best friend)

note 2
Scottish, Irish, German, Dutch, English, and Cherokee - Yume's mixed races xD

note 3
Your cruel device
Your blood like ice
One look could kill
My pain your thrill

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, and I don't wanna break these chains

Your mouth so hot
Your web I'm caught
Your skin so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins (And pins)
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you, but you're under my skin (Deep in)
I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains

One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (Don't touch)
Just wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains

I wanna love you, but I better not touch
I wanna hold you, my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains - Poison by Alice Cooper lyric

note 4
I cant believe that someone DID read my blog.. O_O
I mean.. my other blog..
and she also commented!~
I was thrilled but kyaa!!~ after i visit her website, i just know that shes a writer of a novel.. O_O
and she gave me a positive comment..?
I feel so weird.. haha..
for my poems.. ^^"
I mean.. i never thought that it was great..
now i was in the middle of shock, happy and feeling weird.. haha!

just telling you.. xD
hope you dont mind and just trying to get it out of my mind.. ^^"


O_O you must be crazy to say something like that...
no no no.. eventhough id like that but.. I really cant see me and Mana.. together..?
*suffocates* no no..! Mana-sama would never treat me like that! ^^" I think uhm... he.. uhm... he must.. uhm.. gyahh! i dont know what to say!~

I know youre having fun doing this.. -_-""" Coz i have fun creating your story with prince kamijo too..
but than.. I really cant imagine that.. I mean.. waaahhh!!! Itd be to good to be true!~
no wayy! -my crazy ramblings xD

note 5
Dear Boy Who Doesn't Exist,
You know, you're the nice one.
The one that smiles with your heart, not only your lips. Whose mouth whispers sweet words, truths, not lies or lyrics with no feeling or worth behind them. Faux love stories, fake princes.

Oh, boy who I've never met...
I want you with each bit of my soul. I think its beyond want, my love, it is need. A need to be consoled. A need to find catharsis and safety within your grasp.
My hands were meant for your's to hold, my lips live for your kiss.

Are you here? Are you taken?
You've been a figment of my dreams, a shadow of my desires. But are you real?
Real with ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, one noes and a heart lusting to meet me?

I think about you all the time, did you know?
I see bits of you everywhere. I love it.
But regaurdless, I'm going to die a sad young man with too many memories for his life to fucking handle.

Hand in hand. Hugs. Sweet kisses. Bouqets. Blowing out candles, I wish I was blind so I couldn't see what I'm missing.

This life, it's too much. I hear the neighbors-strangers fumbling mumbling muttering garbling through the walls, and im tired and I think I just want everyone to be quiet for a little bit, bloody fucking silent and would you get it through your goddamn skulls?

I'm tired and I don't know a single soul in this city, or maybe I don't know anyone here with a soul, and tomorrow I will wake up and everything will be same, and you still wont be here.

Because you,
a lovable, kind, considerate boy with polite manners, honest smiles, and the loyalty of a thousand dogs does not exist. Not in my world.

But once, I knew a boy like you. And it was a sad, long journey. A hollywood homicide of hope shattering teenage hearts.

Our story went something like this,

i called you darling. you used to call me beautiful until i lost enough weight and you gained enough sadness that together we were no longer whole enough to support each other. you never cried when you're sad the way i do and every place i wished you had kissed is scarred and i can no longer take off my clothes with out turning away from the mirror. now, you don't call me beautiful and i cannot blame you, though every time you left i felt myself falling apart at the seams because i don't think you knew how much i needed you. so it's not like i can't get by with out you; i can and i have and i am right now, but even so i want to dive into you and promise you that somehow, even though we're over, i will make everything okay.

so you don't call me beautiful anymore, but your name still comes out like honey on my tongue, rolling up my throat like a curse and a lover: which were you anyway? time's change. with you, when i woke up in a panic i'd whisper your name over and over, a lullaby, and calmed myself with thoughts of your calloused fingertips, brown eyes.

i learned how much i could truely love someone.

seduction; i told you i'm endearing and you started to believe it. you don't want me anymore and i curl my toes in the dark, wondering when you will again. my skin is freckled and thin at my collar bones, begging you to touch me. did you even hear me whispering your name as i fall back asleep?

i dared you to love me. double dog dare.

i believe life is a series of beautiful events all stacked together like an oreo cookie. you don't like oreos, or bananas, but sometimes i dream that someday i will kiss you again and that you will like. have you ever known a boy like me?

you used to call me beautiful, like i was yours. now, you call me the name my parents gave me and i still call you darling, love, mine. airplanes and fireflies: i wish that you would call me beautiful again, just once.

you get so discouraged with the world and i beg it to look more inviting to your sad eyes: every window is an escape, every building a prison. i like to lay alone on the grass and drink in the stars; you lay alone on your bed and wonder when the day will be over. so maybe youre right, maybe i'm just a silly boy, dangling bare feet out the window until you begged me to come back in (i told you you loved me). and yeah maybe i'm just a silly boy and maybe you're a love affair with insanity, but i still believe we belong together: you never believed in fate or destiny but i know better -- we haven't gone through all this for nothing and i vainly hope that someday it will pay off, your fingers against my skin and love more intense than either of us expected to exist.

so i haven't been kissed in weeks and you question your sanity. how do you cope with such pain? you ask. i cry and i cut and mostly i just drink until i'm honest enough to tell you how goddamn much i love every word you say.

and you don't call me beautiful anymore, but i know you think i am just the same with my messy hair and black eyes and a tendency to swear too much. every bed i've ever slept in has been with you, i hope you know that: i take you with me everywhere. my lucky charm. and every tear i've ever cried over you, i lick off my face. i am all passion: you used to love that about me. now, empathy has betrayed me and you don't smile when you think of me.
maybe life is supposed to hurt.

i am always powerless against you. you, with the right words to say and the hurt that i can feel. there was a fault line in my old city, where the world would crumble and shake and remind us that we are powerless. someday i will take you back there and dance dance dance! who says pain has to be ugly anyway?

i hope you know i have never loved this way before, but you're not listening. David, you never really did."

So, boy who I've never met.
I may be broken, but I'm ready to love you.

I've got plenty of flaws, more than most even.

For instance, my jaw grows stiff when I chew excessively. I also have this really bad twitch in my left eye. I have enough reason to believe that I squirm frequently whilst sleeping and I often find myself in rather perverse positions upon waking up.

I have a bad shoulder and my smile is crooked. I over-think miniscule details of situations, which in turn cause delayed decisions. I don't speak enough, have a maniacal laugh, tell bad/corny jokes, and I probably suck in bed.

But if you want me,
I'm yours. -Lexi's last blog (before I lost him)

note 6
everytime i watch a movie or series, i'll be filled by emotion... it's fun and it makes me laugh but sometimes

i just skipped the last part.. never wanting to watch the last episode... because i dont want it to end...
just dont want all the feelings to end...

it's like something that wraps and warms you up... but at the end it breaks and leave you in the cold..
it reminds me that...

every good things will end eventually soon..
and that saddens me..

I know I'm running from reality.. but what do i have in reality..?

so.. by not watching... i freeze my own time there...
eventhough its stupid.. somehow...
at least it will never end... -my realisation

note 7 - reiki's email (funny, i kept it lol)

note 8
So... Its is officially new year for me...
And.. this new year is so fun because i spend it on RM.. ^^
I am really happy...
Thank you everybody..!~ I just loves you all.. XD

I cant remember when is the first time I ever online on RM..
but what i remembers is.. that its is fun.. ^^
Drof, Ali, Budo and Urra was online that time..
They are so nice to me.. I loves them.. ^^

I have so many fun and happy memories on RM...
It is really my second home...
There is no site that I love more than RM.. honestly!~
RM is always fun.. the peoples are fun.. and nice...
I feel so alive and loved in RM.. and I always miss RM and the peoples when Im away..
Like when I have to go to camping or something.. ^^
My psych sucks.. haha!~


I love you and you know it.. ^^
In fact.. everyone knows it.. XD
Im so happy with you.. you makes me smile... :D
I love everything about you..!~ ... maybe not... i love everything about you except for..
your perverted mind.. haha!~ XD but I luvs you!!!~
So, you light up my world... and i feel so special..
I am loved.. ^^ No day is complete without you.. <3
And I will always love you more and more everyday..!~
Ohh.. and I do love you more than I love Mana-sama.. <3
Only that I just likes to tease you.. XD Sorry for that, baby.. ^^"


You are the bestest ever!!~
I loves you so much... you always make me happy...
And we share alot of things.. I guess.. hahaXD
Thank you so much for doing a lot of stuff for me...
You draw really beautiful things for me.. and that stays on my heart forever...
You are always there when I needed somebody...
I instantly become happy when I see your name...
It makes me smile... and I loves talking to you..
We are sisters no matter what okay..? and I promised to be your penguin, remember.. XD
and remember what you promised me the other night... hold my hand tightly... ^^

Budo-chan and Ali-chan

You guys are the best moderators EVER!~ in my life.. XDD
and will always be... Ali and Budo-chan ish so sweet and nice and caring...
Thank you very much for helping me when I needed opinion and stuff...
After everything.. I know I loves you two.. ^^
Ali and Budo ish my idol..!~ and I wish I could grow up and be as strong as you two..!~
and you guys always made my day!~ its so fun knowing you two.. XD
I still remember my first impression on Budo-chan and Ali...
I thought that Ali ish cool and Budo is too sweet.. XD
She always gives me cookies and Ali is always fabulous... yay!~
and I am so happy to know you two... and your videos are the best!!!~


I really love talking to you.. XD We always have a conversation and you will make me forget
what time is it when we both are online.. XD we talked alot!~
Especially on JRock section.. OMG!~ haha!~ I dont have any new post after you left.. XD
You is so fun!~ and I am so sorry when I put the naked Gackt pic on the forum.. XD
But at least I thought it was fun.. haha.. and grilled cheese forever!!~

Reita and Reila

OMG!~ you both ish so cute.. ^^ I likes you two..!!~
and I sometimes mistakes over you two.. haha.. ^^" sorry.. my bad.. XD
anyway... Reita and Reila... I really love talking to both of you..
eventhough we dont really talk that much.. but enjoy every second talking to you two.. :3
and I hope one day gazette will come and visit you two.. probably you two will faint but they will catch you.. XD

Saita and Mars

You two are so so so so so so sweet!~ thank you for taking care about me.. ^^
and you two ish so cute too.. physically and in person..!~ yays!~ Im so happy when Im around you two.. ^^
I always feel like huggling you two... :3 Saita.. XD Uru is made for you!!!~ and Mars!!~ better steal him from Ali now.. XDD
I love PMing you both... and you guys... are much sweeter than any sweets i ever had.. ^.^

Kumiko and Eiduru

hahaha!~ Kumiko.. i think you needs to stop hating kids.. XD and eiduru... keep on drawing!!~
Kumiko-chan ish fun.. XD and I will kill Bill for you!!~ and we really should stalk Miyavi someday.. haha
Eiduru ish also sweet!~ and I am so happy that you didnt forget about me when youre away.. ^^
I loves you two..!!!~ and I always like it when you guys online... XDDDD

Katra and Urra

Katra!!~ I always like the fact that you do cosplay.. XD and you ish funny too sometimes..
eventhough we dont really talk, i read your posts and it makes me laugh.. XD
Urra!!~ I loves your drawing.. you is so talented.. with all the music instrument and stuff..
OMG!~ I wish I could be you.. XD also..!~ I likes your band... XD

22 and Jigsaw

You two ish so cute together... XD I likes seeing you two... ^^
and jigsaw!!~ you always come with news and updates... youre so cool.. XD
22.. i think you have an obsession on taking pics.. XD but its okay because you is pretty.. ^^
lastly... I loves you two..!!~ *huggles*

Nazume and Sccmar

Kyaaaa!!~ I wish you two would online more... because i could hardly talk to you two.. XD
but from what i know.. you two are fun.. ^^ I wish I know you guys more so that i will know what should I say now..
hahaXD anyways.. loves you guys too..!!~

DC, never_mind, gaza the lova, kaeru, miiko-chan, eriert, angelostnhea7en, ayla, chizu-chan, ash, yuuto, bloosi, nadeshiko,
smopiiac, kitsune, okitoki, rainhero, and everyone who never really talked to me...

I wish i could talk to you... i wish i had the chance to know you peoples... you guys seems fun.. ^^
and you guys loves gazette as i do..!!~ yay for yourselves.. XD *huggles*

aeryl and diana

hahaha.. ^^ sorry for dragging you here.. and i noticed that lately you guys never really post.. ^^"
Im so sorry... but I luvs you two.. XD we talked on other site more and i knows that you both
are such a sweet person.. <3 I love you!!!!~ *huggles*

So... Im so sorry for anybody that I didnt meantion.. dont kill e.. ;-;
I just having a short memory problem.. ^^"
I just wanna tell you you guys... taht you guys are the best!!~ ever!!~
and its such a shame thatI cant be here anymore.. ;_;
My parents wont let me online anymore for 2008... due to my big exam.. TT_TT
It is so sad to leave RM... I t is heart breaking to say goodbye...
But.. I cant do a thing about it... I'll have to say...

Goodbye, now, everybody...
today is my last day onlining...
when i sign out.. it means that it will be my last log in...
i hope everyone will enjoy their life...


I just LOVE you guys!!!~ so much!!!~

Love, Ila-chan, you cookies eater!!~ -my last wish to everybody at RM (fuck, i miss them)

note 9
i have been hurting myself ila..
because i want to be with you.. more than anything
but its not Possible
i should try and find someone else
because i cant ever be with you..
and if i keep holding on.. i am going to bleed to Death -from someone whom i love so much

yeah, that's pretty much all the things i cherished. you should know how my life works from that. haha. there were lots of emotions there, it brings back memories. i'm keeping them here, as a part of my memory.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

dream of a lost child III

okay, i'll continue from the previous one.

"what? what do you mean my friend? are they your real parents?"

"i don't know either. i asked you that before but you never tell me. it feels weird when you asked me back," replied the boy. his face shows some worry and displeasure.

"weird," i breathed out tiredly.

he looked at me back before replying, "you're weird."

i look at him after i heard him and smiled, "am i always weird like this?"

he cut off our eye contact to stare at the floor. "yes, lately you have been. but sometimes i think it was seasonal since there were times that you're really okay but the next month you'd go weird and you'd ask a lot of stupid things. it's almost like you just lost your memories."

i frowned hearing him said that. i don't know what happens and i certainly did not know what to do. the air was a little bit tense so i decided to ask him about the cooking part. i told him that it feels weird since i love cooking so why do i let him cook? he told me that he would cook whenever i'm tired or whenever i was sleeping. i laughed and tell him how cute he is. he replied with a slight blush adorned on his cheeks.

i don't remember much after that since it was a dream, yeah. but i do remember eating something good. i think it was pasta but i'm not sure so i'll leave that. but before my dream ended with my mom waking me up for school, i reemembered a moment.

i was staring at the window again and this time a guy, or a teen entered. he had a familiar black locks and black eyes with slightly pale complexion. i thought i knew him but i couldn't remember who he is. he look like he's probably 19 or something. he look at me and i look at him back. it was an awkward moment where i just stood there staring at him into the eye without doing a thing and he did the same before he broke our eye contact and asked me, "are you okay, Ila?"

which sounds so familiar to my ears. the boy. wait, he's this huge already? i was shocked and i turned my back and look at my hands, nothing much to see. so i decided to look at myself in the mirror and i noticed that my face aged. i smiled before i laughed a bit, making the boy uncomfortable with my actions. he then came closer to me and face me. i stopped laughing and i look at him before i asked, "how old am i?"

"37," he replied in a worried voice.

"37? are you like really serious?" i asked back, not believing what i just heard.

"yes, Ila. you're 37 this year."

i breathed out and try to think. "okay, fine, i'm 37. so, could you tell me what's your name?"

the boy shook before held me on the shoulders. his hands were warm and bigger than mine. "Ila? you promised not to never forget me again," he cried. "who am i?" he asked me back with a sad expression.

"eh? I... I... did i promised you that? i... i... don't know... i don't know... because you never told me before," i replied guiltily.

he let go of me and look down. he seems so sad but there's nothing i could do, i really didn't know who he is. then he suddenly spoke, "Hikari, Murasaki Hikari. You're the one who gave me that name, Ila. Said that you liked Japanese name and you wanted me to have them."

again, i was shocked. so, his name. finally i get to know his name. Murasaki Hikari. a good name. i smiled. but then if hikari means light, what does murasaki means? i thought i knew but i forgot. (note to self : find what does that means)

"Murasaki Hikari. A cute name," i smiled.

he look up to me and smiled back. "because you gave me that. Ila, don't ever forget again."

i smiled at him whole heartedly. "well, never. and this time, it's a real promise."

and the rest goes, well, i can't remember what happened next. haha. it's a dream after all. but then what i'd like to say is, OMGOSH! HIKARI IS PRETTY! AND HE HAS HIBARI HAIR! YAYYY! and also, I LOOK HOT IN MY LATE 30s! IT'S REALLY SHOCKING! hehe

and i remembered i laughed with him, i have tea with him, ate something good with him and i think i asked him how's school and i think i heard him said it was good with a blush. did my boy have a girlfriend already? xD who knows! hahahaha

a new family addition. i might as well add him in my fiction. lol

Monday, December 14, 2009

dream of a lost child II

it was weird but about the dream i had before, it continues. like a second episode or so. i don't even know. but it was a good dream. the dream was, well, like a normal dream i guess since it fast forwarded so easily.

when i entered my la la land, i was in a room, a dark room and i find myself looking out of the window. it was raining and it was soothing, really.

just then i thought i was bored watching the scenery so i went downstairs to meet a beautiful boy, making dinner for me. i was surprised. heck, i was! i was so surprised beyond imagination and i stood there, stoned, watching the boy do the work. as my little head could remember, the boy had a black hair, a pale face and equally black eyes. then, i remembered, it was the same boy that cried in my previous dream. so, now...

why the heck is he here?
where the heck am i?
and, why do i get the feeling that this is my house?

and yeah, like several minutes later, the boy finally noticed me and look at me back, frowning. it was weird and i just stood there watching him. then, he asked, "Are you gonna just watch or you're gonna help?"


he pouted, like a cute pout, though he look annoyed. haha. i don't know, he's just cute. but then, something stupid suddenly take place. which was,

"do you know who am i?"

yeah, i asked that to the boy. that boy suddenly stop whatever he was doing and he gave me a long weird look before he answered,

"Ila? are you okay?"

i laughed a bit, "eh, hehe. o-of course i am. i just..."

"did you forget again?"

i look at him with questioning look and with a raised brow. he just look at me back,

"you know, you should stop working late at night. it's harmful for your brain. it makes you stupid."

i blinked several times.

"yeah, you should get a new job."

"w-wha? what do you mean?"

"you should get a normal job. like a better job."

"and why is that?"

"because, each day, you're getting dumber and i'm worried."

"worried about what?"

"i'm afraid that one day..." he stopped for a minute before he continued, "maybe one day you'll forget me."

i was shocked to hear that. and then my heart hurts. because, i already forgotten him. i didn't even know his name yet. but i just smiled.

"then, you'll have to tell me your name everyday."

he look up to me and smiled. "don't you dare to forget me."

i laughed and he pouted. he's just so cute. i wonder why. then, the worst came out when he asked, "what's my name?"

i paled. "err... is dinner ready?" and i went back to the living room and rest on the couch. he came after me with a worried expression.

"did you forget me?"

i look down, "i'm sorry."

"so, you did." his eyes were suddenly teary and i didn't know what to do. "did you really forget about me?"

i gulped and came to him, "no, i don't think i forget you entirely. i remembered the feeling of you being close because i don't mind you near and i think i remembered that night when you were younger. you were crying for you mama and papa and i remembered leaving the place to search for them."

"so, you don't remember other than that?"

"uh, yeah. i'm really sorry."

"the mama and papa i'm searching for is your friends. and they died. so you took me in."

"what? what do you mean my friend? are they your real parents?"

"i don't know either. i asked you that before but you never tell me. it feels weird when you asked me back."

(to be continued)

coz i'm lazy. and i'm hungry. and i'm in that time of the month. and i'm irritated. and i'm freaking hungry.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

dream of a lost child

mood : hungry
song : lie - big bang

yeah, it was two days ago that i dream about this boy but i had a feeling that i had been dreaming about him quite some time. because when i saw him crying that night, i didn't have to think as my body slowly but automatically move to ask him what's wrong. and it was then i saw his black eyes, red and watery and before he could answer me, i hugged him probably out of pity. the boy did nothing but cry more as he answered to me.

"i-i lost mama... i lost papa..."

"where are they?"

"i don't know..."

the boy was crying and i find myself smiling. i don't even know why i'm smiling but then the boy stopped crying, just a bit before he continued,

"i want my mama... i want my papa..."

"what's their names?"


"what Ila?"

"Malilith Ila..."

my eyes widened in shock. 'that's my name,' i thought inside. but then the boy kept on crying, demanding attention from me. then, i stood up and said,

"let's go find your mama. eh, wait, what's your papa's name?"

"it's Ila..."

"your mama?"


just as soon as he answered it, i smiled and hugged him. 'my child,' i thought in my head. but then, who's his real parents? the question goes unanswered as i held his little hand and walked away from the spot as we try to find his mama and papa, Ila.

i don't know why but this dream made me think and made me feel more comfortable. the boy was cute though, a bit too cute to be mine. so he's probably not mine or maybe an adopted child of mine.

someone to love : Hibari Kyouya (Katekyoushi Hitman Reborn)
statement of the day : I'M IN LOVE WITH ANIME CHARACTERS!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

dissecting and killing the white rat

mood : sick
song : again & again - 2PM


case 1

yeah, i just finished my lab session for anatomy. and today, we dissected a rat, a white rat, a poor white rat.

to be honest, i was really excited since i have this sick mind of liking to cut flesh and see things bleed.

and then i was in the same group as Lina and Azra and when we started dissecting, Azra started to turn weird. she was red and she was about to cry. i always knew that she had a soft heart, seeing that she actually cares for people even though sometimes she just don't know or don't want to show it. then, the question is,

why did i started to feel bad after i saw her like that?

why did i started to feel bad for the rat when i was actually really excited to dissect it?

why did i feel like telling her it's okay and make her okay?

why did i started to get scared of her suddenly emotional change?

well, i wonder. but then i got an answer from myself. she said,

"probably because you just care about her"

case 2

i think i want to make a new fanfic.

Tsuna was forced to marry one of his cousins by his dad but he doesn't want to. Then he was given the choice to either marry Hibari, Mukuro or Byakuran. Who will he choose? And who will win his heart?

case 3

when i dissected the rat, i noticed some similarities to when i was dissecting the frog last year.

1. after i dissected them, i smelled something really bad, but then i never bothered to care. my delusional brain told me it was the smell of death. it comes just in a short while and then it disappeared, leaving the stench of that dead body.

2. the feeling when i saw their hearts beating in front of me. i felt a bit guilty but somehow in a sick way, i enjoyed watching it. maybe i am a psycho.

3. only after about ten hours later, i feel sorry for them. which means my sympathy for them are late. is it normal?

someone to love : Belphegor (Katekyoushi Hitman Reborn!)


new word : solicitous
1. manifesting or expressing care or concern
2. full of anxiety or concern, apprehensive
3. extremely careful, meticulous
4. full of desire, eager

Monday, December 7, 2009

being a writer

mood : angry and sleepy
song : where U at - Taeyang
someone to love : Kouya (Loveless)

being a writer, well, i wonder what kind of writer am i?

plot writer?
-not really since i don't write plot that much. i just did whenever i thought i'd forget it.

emotional writer?
-kind of. i really put my emotions in, usually that is. and when i didn't i sucked so much, i don't want to even publish it even though i love it.

perfectionist writer?
-not really because i actually hate to check my writings back because if i do, i'd change it alot and it will lose its originality.

autopilot writer?
-i believe i had this since i don't really remember what i'm writing and my fingers just typed it as they please without its master consciousness, sometimes and really often sometimes.

crazy writer?
-i think i'm starting to get a hold of it! ha ha ha!

angsty writer?
-i suck at writing angsty theme because i'd cry even before i knew it.

romance writer?
-maybe. but my romance was a bit boring. haha

step by step writer?
-no, because i suck at writing step by step.

sentence writer?
-not really because i'm not that particular about my sentences.

artistic writer?
-i have no idea about this. haha!

descriptive writer?
-i like descriptions but i find it hard to write them.

inexperience writer?
-yeah, because i'm a beginner.

young writer?
-yay! i'm 18! so does that makes me a young writer?

statement of the day : I'M FREAKING UGLY!
new words learned : fatuous - inanely foolish, unintelligent, stupid, illusory, delusive

of last night's message with him

i don't really know why but i keep on accepting his calls, when i can. and it was when he hung up on me and messaged me that he had no credit left, i felt like i'm hurt again.

his last message was on 12.25 am, 08 December 2009 and i just lost my airtime so i can't reply to him back so, i'm replying him here. though i know he'd never read it.

[From : Gen-chan
To : Ila Way

"I know you still love me and I loved you too but I think I've told you before, I don't care if I didn't get you in this world but I want you to be my wife in heaven. Hehe. But when you wanted to cut off our contact so much, I'll do it."]

That's when it hurts so much, at least to me. It's because before, he said,

"I'll never let you go." (I don't mind anymore because right now I'm forcing you to let me go)
"I'll never give up on you." (I want you to give up on me as I gave up on you)

[From : Ila Way
To : Gen-chan

"When you did that, it hurts more. If you wish to always hurt me, feel free to do it more. I can take it. I'll take it. I'll be strong and I'll take it."]

Because if you love to hurt me, the you might as well do it to satisfy yourself. I'll be strong. I want to be strong. And once I'm strong enough, I'll be able to stand alone, without anybody by my side.

And of course, I don't hate you. The only one I hate is, someone that I tried so hard to change and that person, lives very near to me.

label me, or not!

For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention. (used to)
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that’s how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas
I’m a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction
I’m a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
I’m STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly... Or crazy.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot. (no comment but I don't like gender racist)
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted. (well, read and write it)
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy
I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT; I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian. (yet)
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistakes.
I loved my friends, so I must be lonely.
I had a weird haircut, I must be seeking for attention.
I love to eat, I must be a fat bitch.
I love to sleep, I must be a fat bitch.

Label me what you want, I'm still me !

yeah, i wanted to post this on my but it won't let me... T_T


yeah, i just finished watching loveless and like always, every movie or series i watch always bring me sorts of question, demanding answers. so, like always, i was bothered by those existing questions in my head.

1. if i had a real name, what would it be?
i have no idea. and i'm sure as hell it would not be loveless or beloved or breathless or sleepless or endless or anything in that series. and much to my dismay, probably hopeless or worthless. yeah, not soulless as my brain convinced me to be.

2. if i had a fighter, what kind of person would he/she be?
i don't know either. probably someone that'd match me? a person who has pride, strong but sensitive. i don't know. maybe someone with cold eyes and expressionless?

3. if i can choose to either be a sacrifice or a fighter, which one i'll choose?
i don't think i care whether i'm the fighter or sacrifice. but then again, if the sacrifice takes the damage for her fighter, i think i'd choose to be a sacrifice. and i'll learn to be a strong sacrifice.

4. if i were ritsuka, will i accept soubi?
well, i think my reactions would be the same as he is coz i sucks. haha

5. which character in the series that i'd like to have as my fighter and my sacrifice (if i'm the fighter)?
well, i'd like to have Kouya as my sacrifice, though i'd make sure that she'll never get hurt even though she can't feel pain.
and for the fighter, of course i would like it to be Soubi since he's perfect.

and then, the self thoughts. yeah, they are hurting me deep. when i think about it again, it was always Malilith and Fye. and since one could one have one sacrifice or fighter then, is one of them mine? or i'm just the bystander?

because Malilith loved Fye and Fye loved Malilith.
because i loved Fye and he told me that he loves me.
because i loved Malilith and he told me that he loves me.

so, who belongs to who?
and which one of us doesn't belong?
it was those questions that always break us down.

"which one of us don't belong?"

and when that came up, i'd said that i was me.
because Malilith is perfect with Fye.
one black and one white.
both pretty and kind.
one's winter and one's summer.
and i'm the autumn. the lonely autumn.
i don't belong.

but when Fye answered, he'd say that he doesn't belong.
he had his reasons.
and we all knew that all along.

and same goes for Malilith.

because we love each other too much to hurt one another. so we opted to hurt ourselves instead. it's okay, it's okay, as long as we are together, i don't mind any other. that's what we would say. and that's makes us, who we are. strong bonds, but was cold as ice.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Spring -light version-

Yeah, I've posted another one concerning the memories trilogy. This is inspired by the four seasons. And like how it was supposed to be, the post was posted at blue cresent. Yeah, I missed them much. =[

Spring -light version-

I wonder what will happen if it was me who left instead of them...

Rainbow Thread Update :D

Yayyy! We got update for the fic!! Wohoo! Please proceed to Chapter One, peeps!~

Have fun reading! xDDDDDDD

Title : Rainbow Thread (Prologue : The Night Society) (Chapter 1 : First Semester Group of Freshmen)
Writers : Ila Way! and updown2insideout
Rating : T
Synopsis : The Night Society are getting active day by day with more death in tow. Yarhzoule was given the task to kill Echa while Ujud and Udin were tired of being attacked from the outside. The dream watcher was forced to sign the truce with the Way Famiglia.

Click the link! The red tittle. And read it! xD

Friday, November 20, 2009

Forgiving myself... or not...

Two days ago, I watched a movie about love and how life revolve around us. One of the character had this dilemma and the dilemma somehow touched me unconsciously. I wasn't aware of it until I noticed myself slowly drifted away thinking about it. And now I'm still thinking about it.

I am stubborn. A stubborn girl who couldn't help herself to love the same person until the end. It's not like I don't have any choice, I do but I always chose the one that would probably hurt me less.

I have been in love so many times and I have been loved too. Each time, I will love them back and I know they had carved themselves in my heart but among all of those who had done loving and making me to love them back, there are only two who had carved themselves deep enough to actually break it to pieces. Yes, those two were Malilith and Fye. The only two that made me fall head over heels for them. The only two that made me so happy I thought that this world was probably way better than the heaven. The only two that hurt me so much that sometimes I wonder if I could die from being hurt this much. And the only two who had not only own me but my body and soul as well.

But then, one by one, they left me alone, frantically crying out their names like a prayer chant that people did when they was about to die.

"Ila, if I could have one wish, that wish is for you and Malilith to be happy forever."

"Ila, if one day we are apart then you must continue for Fye and my sake."

And they died. Painfully. It took me months to move on, to stop crying at night for them but still, I still wish for them to come back. A lot of people said that I should forget them but...

How could I?

I can't imagine myself living without them. They never fail to be in my mind every single day. The thought of forgetting them hurts me so much I didn't dare to even think about it.


I remembered back then I have said,

"I love you..."


"I love you so much..."


"I love you and to death I shall be..."


"Even if you die, I will still love you..."


"I love you forever..."

After I said all that to them, how could I just forget? I've promised to love hem forever and forever I shall. That's because I love them more than anything else in this world. And I love them too much, I'm so scared of living without them. I'm afraid that if forget them, I would forget myself as well. Because I made so much memories with them. Because I was myself when I was with them.

I was too attached to them. Because I love them.

They didn't say "Thank you for loving me" like the movie showed. They never said "Please forget about me" like the movie showed too. So while the character move on and started to love someone else after the one he used to love died, should I do the same to?

"Forgive me..." or should I forgive myself?

The truth is, I still blame myself for everything. If only I tell Malilith earlier. If only I was the one to fall that time. If only I was stronger. Then everything wouldn't turn out to be like this. I was my fault. But I would never say it because I know if I do they would say, "It's not your fault." I don't want to hear that. Because I was my fault.

I cried their names every night when no one was there to hear me.

I smiled everyday remembering how cute Fye and Malilith acts sometimes.

I daydream about the things we could have done if they were still here everyday.

And I loved them every single second and more with every breath.

Of course I could never forget about them.

Because then, wouldn't it be a betrayal?

I don't want to betray them and myself.

But day passed by and I feel so lonely. So lonely I thought god must hate me. I... wanted to be loved again. But my stubbornness wouldn't allow it. Will I find my own lonely cloud? Will I ever grow up? Will someone come to me and said that they loved me?

It just hurts too much.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Fiction :D

It's a co-writing with Rara! Coolies! I've been looking forward to write with her! xD Yay! It's dedicated to FMS May 2009 Private A at MSU students!

Have fun reading! xDDDDDDD

Title : Rainbow Thread
Writers : Ila Way! and updown2insideout
Rating : T
Synopsis : In the world that has been plunged into chaos and darkness, trust and loyalty was the hardest thing to believe in. Much more in love and friendship. The Night Society are the people who walked under the faint moon light, hiding their true identity, masking their feelings and their true self. How would this world without love turn to?

Click the link! The red tittle. And read it! xD

Monday, November 16, 2009

Dear lover

Dear lover who I can't be sure yet just who you are,

I have always thought that I'm dying, emotionally and physically
and frankly speaking I can't see who am I in my reflection
sometimes I'm so scared if the mirror breaks apart
and show me who I really am
I'm just scared to know who I really am
Am I really me, I just don't know

Sometimes I see hope in my own eyes
but sometimes it seems so far away
and I just can't forget the pain of losing them all
I feel so useless
like a retarded bitch

I'm so stained
I'm not pure
I hated it myself
but just
I am waiting
for you my love who I don't even know
to one day come to me
and tell me that to you
I'm forever sacred

And I wish I could meet you someday
you who could understand who I am
you the one who knows me better than I did
you who create a world filled with dreams
It's okay even if we're just dreaming
we'll keep on doing that
untill the day I am sure I'm almost dead

I wish you could understand how much I really do love Malilith and Fye
and tell me to cherish the memory, not to forget it
because it's so freaking hurt to forget
feels like being stabbed on open wounds
feels like it's bleeding so much and I can't do anything about it but
just pretend like I'm okay and bear with it
and with the guilt of not letting them know
it's so heavy, the burden
but I just don't want them to think that they've made me hurt
deep enough

A lot of people said I'm stupid for slitting my wrist and all
and there are some who just give up on me
but i still wish to meet you, my love who I still can't reach
to tell me that it's not too late
and it's never too late

They didn't know who I am and I don't know either
but bleeding feels good
it sort of like a drug
people do drugs and eventually they die
it's the same as slitting your wrist
it hurts but it feels good at the same time
and I did it to ease the pain inside
I didn't do it to show anyone that I'm trying to kill myself
I'm doing it for myself
because I don't want to lose control

I always thought that it's better to feel pain
than being numb and not feel anything at all
being numb is so scary
it's cold and dark and nothing matters anymore
and you'll just love the feeling of being drowned in misery
and to me I saw the colors are cold blue and red
and I'm frozen in time
feels like I die alive

And I know I'm wreckless
but I still wish to meet you, my love who I cant meet just yet
and wait for you to tell me that
I'm your sweetest poison

They said in one of the books I read
death is not the most serious illness
it's worst wanting to die and not being able to
but somehow I thought
it's probably worser wanting to die but not wanting to
and you can't even try to die
because once you're lost
you'll never come back
and probably the worst
if you never die and your life is being denied
will this ever die?

I used to thought that I'd grow wings
and I dream of them
they are black and pretty
and I wore black leather or probably PVC clothes
it fits me and it's so pretty
and probably sexy
then I saw there are two more who dreamed the same
but one is purely grey and white
and he was pretty and I knew he is an angel from his gaze
and another one is in black and red
he shows anger, misery but a glitch of satisfactory
and I know from his smile that he's human
then they looked at me and looked into my eyes
as I smiled to them
I noticed that I'm the devil
born with blood seeking instinct
and that evil inside me
but I wonder why
do I love them two so much
is it because they accept me just they way I am
or is it because I'm in love
just how love was suposed to feel?

I'm always afraid that people could read through me
so stupid, right
but sometimes I wish they could see if I'm really smiling
or lying my feelings just to show that I care about them
and I really do care about them
in fact I love them freaking much more than I love myself
but sometimes they are confused
I just love them like I do

I had this weird feeling
I love being touched
but I hate being touched too
sometimes I don't know why I'm resisting
when I know that I want it
but maybe I'm just scared to be loved
and afraid of hurting someone that I love
sometimes I just wish that no one loves me
but then I'd feel so lonely
and I don't even know what to do now
should I turn right or left?

I love to dream
and everytime I sleep I wish I dreamed and remember it
and I used to dream alot
I'm always in different situation and me is different person
it goes up and down in my dream
but lately it's getting slower
almost like I had nothing to dream of anymore
but I wish I'll keep on dreaming
because I miss them all
who appeared in my dreams

Sometimes I write down my dreams
or comment about it
but there is a dream that I'm so scared of
what if it's real and me who are here isn't
probably I'm just denying
my life, over here

and for you, my dear who probably has lost yourself in time
I wish for you to hold me and kiss me and tell me it's alright
it's alright to dream like this
and wish it's real
and tell me that you'll always be here
to be with me and to listen
and I wish that when I get you
I will never hurt you

I know I'm just selfish
but I just want to somehow find you myself
as I'm falling in the rainy sorrow

If you are the one then please save me
from my self-destructing shit

and I just want you to know that I will love you
until my heart stops bleeding
until one day I died in my smile
and not my tears out

I love you, Ila


I found this. An old file and I decided to post this. Well, this is who I am. Before. And I still love her. No matter what. hahahaha

Loving you

i can't remember when is the first time i saw you
what i know is you're always there
through my up and down, my happiness and contra

loving you, it is hard
but it was pure bliss

in loving you, i learn how to be myself
and i learn to love myself for you

when i'm with you i feel good
about myself and who i really am
because you never fail to make me love you
more and more every second

loving you, through every seasons
like we was meant to be together

in loving you, i am proud to be me
and i learn to have pride for you

you said it doesn't matter
if it rains, if it burns
always know that you were there too

loving you, more than anyone else
and wish that we will never be apart

in loving you, i appreciate life
and learn that life is more than you know

smile, laugh, cry, scared and excited
i've been through that all with you
and when our hands are laced together
i could feel your beating heartbeat
calm against mine

loving you, letting the warmth spread over me
in loving you, i feel complete

Statement of the day :

Because I feel kind of lonely. Hahaha. Today we talked about my Mr. Perfect (with Hafiz) and then I realized that... well, I need to find him. Haha... Or maybe not... I don't know. I just sucked at this love thingy. Or maybe it's just like what Malilith used to say. I'm a bad luck for love.... hahah

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Goodbye, Megat

Yesterday I talked to him again, my ex and he was telling me all this kind of stuff (that looks cool to him) to me and well, I was listening until he said something about he doesn't care to lose friends, especially his GIRL friends (he doesn't want to be friends with girls who already have boyfriends). And being a sensitive person I was (at that time) I said, "Well then, bye." He asked, "Why? You have a boyfriend?" I smiled and I lied to him, "Yes."

At first he was quiet a bit then he asked, "Who is it?"

Not knowing what to say and what to do (I was thinking about Serizawa that time and I have this urge to tell him that it's Serizawa but thinking that by saying that I'd blow my cover by saying his name I didn't do it) after a long pause, I said, "It's a secret."

And him being him, he paused for a minute. I did the same as a smile creeps over my feature. Then he said, "Well then, I'm going now. Bye." I replied him with an okay before he hung up. Later, he gave me a message, "I swear to GOD that I will never bother you again." And to be honest, I didn't expect that. To be honest I feel a bit hurt with that. Yeah, I'm nothing to him after all this time he said HE LOVED ME? Yeah, bye. I thought of telling him that I lied but my pride doesn't allow me and that night I sleep with my cellphone near me. For what? I don't even know.

All in all, here what I'm gonna say is, "Goodbye, Megat. I loved you as lover before and friend after we broke up but now you didn't even want me as a friend. Yeah, sorry for everything. Sorry for all the lies I've told. Sorry for being there for you and lastly, sorry for loving you. Goodbye again and good night."

Statement of the day :
I feel like a bitch... and I love it.

Because I hurt people so much and that hurts me I start to wonder if I actually like to hurt people or myself. I don't know.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I'm updating my life here

yeah :D

because i'm too busy to take care of my other sites
and i'm too lazy to do it anyway
so i thought...

maybe i'll make this site like my headquarters

so... yay to this site!

don't worry
i'll still use the other site


but that doesn't mean i'll update it everyday or every week
i'll only update when i have the chance to

WARNING : don't get surprised to see/read/watch/hear/whatever what i might post
i MUST remind you that
i don't think i'm sane
so forgive me if my insanity creeps over this place

and yeah i need to upgrade this site
and make it prettier
but i'm too lazy
but i'll do it
someday or sometime

statement of the day :

i think i'm attracted to him a bit too much
and in a wrong way
i need a mental check up
know any place to do it?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

frozen winter

It's winter again, but now it isn't cold anymore. It's just purely numbing, of all her senses. Her eyes are open but does her heart do too? She stays by the river bank, staring at the seemingly calm water, her heart is beating so soft, she couldn't even sure if she is there or is she dreaming again? The water, it is so clear and she could see right through it. If only she could see future right through like she did with this river. Slowly she takes a rock and throws it into the water, staring at the sight of the waves gradually losing.

"It is so quiet, feels so lost without you, brothers."

The three of them went to the river and started to collect rocks on the river bank. Then, they all lined up, almost perfectly up by the river bank and one by one, throwing the rocks into the river, smiling as they did so.

"Malilith, what's your wish?" asked the grey-haired Fye.
"Yeah! Yeah! Tell us yours!" added Ila, staring at her Malilith intently.
"What? Of course you can't know someone else's wish! Or else it will never come true!" snapped Malilith, turning his back on both of the questioners.
"Aww, come on Malilith! You're no fun!" whined Ila, turning up her lips.
"No way!" said Malilith in irritated voice.
"Okay! Fine! I won't tell mine too!" whined the angry Ila, as her wish is not obeyed.
"Haha! You two are funny as ever! Do you guys wanna know mine?" chuckled Fye, smiling at both of the irritated ones.
"Really, really?" asked Ila, curious.
"No! Your wish shall never come true if you tell us!" protested Malilith.
"It's okay because I believe that my wish will always be true," replied Fye calmly, easing the nervous still air.
"Really?" asked Ila for confirmation. She wouldn't want to ruin Fye's wish too.
"I wish that we will always be together, stay with each other, live together forever through the day and night. I know that this wish has come true and it will always be true. Because I love you both more than anything else, Malilith, Ila."

Both of the listeners smiled at the one who wished so and hugged him lovingly. In their hug, they both whispered slowly to Fye, "We love you too, so much."

"You shouldn't have told us that, Fye. Because in the end you're the one who destroyed it."

This time it's only the two of them and they went to the very same place, the river. And the cold water is frozen, as solid, as cold as death. Malilith and Ila stared at the frozen lake, breathing soft steams and then they both took a rock for each of them. Without hesitation, Malilith threw his as hard as he could and breathed out. Ila then followed his lead and fell on her knees, looking down to the soft grayish white snows. Malilith stared at the same frozen entity too before turning on his back.

"I wish Fye could be here with us. That's all I'm wishing for," said Malilith slowly but loud enough for Ila to hear it. It was heartbreaking, everything reminded them of Fye. Then, they both burst into tears, without a sound. They just couldn't afford to stare at each other teary eyes anymore.

"And yet it's only you who could be with Fye. How I envy you, Malilith. But I love you so much I wish you'd be happy there."

She stands up, walking away from the scene. What her wish was, no one ever knows beside herself. But what the others knew was that it never came true.

and when you're gone
i thought of giving up life
but in my sleep
you turn to me and whispered
that you love me
things that's once lost
you can never get it back
being slipped away by unforgiving time
my winter blows sorrow
straight to my darkened heart
even still
the wounds never stop bleeding

in my sighs and cries
i chant your name
in this memorial night
wish me something else
and hope thy wish come true
before this flame stopped burning
and before the dark
creeps and reaps me out

Monday, September 14, 2009

now and me and this is

I am jealous of them
those who are smart
and i have let down hope

i wish
i could join them when they had dinner together that time
i could taste their cookings
i could be smarter
i am not left alone anymore
i could hide my feelings from them since they are always keeping distance when i do
i am not afraid to be alone
i could be their best friend
i'm not this pathetic
i'm not this poor
i could always go out with them
i didn't ask Malilith to lend me money coz I feel so guilty
I am rich enough to join them

I know that you love someone,
but that someone isn't me
it isn't me

:: sleepless nights ::

Soft sobs filled the room with absence of laughter. The mood in the air is heavy but gradually it thicken.

"Stop crying," said Malilith.
"But I just.. missed Fye so much.." Ila was sobbing. She just didn't know what to do when she cried like this. And she can't even stop.
"Don't!" Malilith glared at her direction. His face was red. He was angry and this whole crying and missing thing are stressing him up. He is just angry. He didn't want to cry. No, he didn't.

"Malilith, why are you crying?" asked Fye with concern in his eyes.
"I made Ila bleed. I.. I was playing with her.. and I pushed her.. and.. suddenly.. she.. fell.. and she bleeds.. a lot.." sniffed Malilith.
He was so scared of what he have done to the girl.
"Where is she?"

"At.. her room.. she.. didn't wake up.. i tried.. to wake her up.. did I.. did i.. just killed her..?" asked Malilith, crying noticeably now.

"It's okay. Lets go and see her now," patted Fye on his head and took him to Ila's room.

"Why can't I? I just missed him too much," sobbed Ila.
"Stop doing this to me! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you, Ila! You always get the best from him! I hate you! I hate you! I.. hate you..."
"I'm so sorry.."

"Ila, are you okay? You bleed so much. How are you feeling? Are you cold?" asked Fye.
"I'm getting better. Tell Malilith that I love him and it's okay. It wasn't his fault," replied Ila.
Fye smiled at the reply and asked Malilith to come in.
"Malilith! Look! I'm okay! I just feel sleepy that time! Don't worry" said Ila, smiling happily.
"Really?" asked Malilith. "Yes, really," cut Fye.
"You really scared me, Ila. Ila, I love you. I love you and I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," said Malilith.

"Haha, I know that. and lookie, I can walk now!"

"Malilith, I love you..."
"I hate you. I really do. Now stop.. Please"

sleepless nights
where my tainted blood are denied
and your rejection towards my love
when we have lose it all
i did not ask for it
but sometimes
it just happens
and i'm okay with you blaming me
because this overflowing love
it hurt too much too keep

i concern for your dreams
i'm afraid of your guilt
and when you left
everything felt numb

"Malilith, please don't burden it anymore. Your heart."
"I wish I could"

And after you're gone, each time it's near, the dark air are still there. Chasing the warmth inside. Threatening to kill it with bare hands.

I love you