Monday, August 22, 2011

To Jung Heechul oppa,

My nappeun namja, I miss you. >.< hehe

Annyeog, Heechullie oppa, this is Malilith F. Ila, your first wife.
I was happy to see how you keep on improving on things, your talents, and everything. If you still remember me, I am the girl who wore cat ears at Malaysia fanmeet and the red head girl that waits in front of Star Empire for you when I was at Seoul for few days, few months ago haha. Life is hard over here for me, but I hope it will get better and I wish for yours to go on smoothly!

It's almost Hari Raya again. Last year you were in Malaysia during Hari Raya >,< I miss that time. I really wish we had that chance again. Malaysia have more ZE:A'S these days, thanks to your hardwork and the other members in ZE:A :3 ZE:A JJANG!

I have 9 cats at home :3 We named them ZE:Cats xD There's a cat-chul, cat-shik, cat-kev, cat-woo, cat-moon and everybody :3 When I get the chance I will post you his picture, cat-Chul ;D He is so cute and handsome >w< Just like you, oppa! Cat-wan is a female kekekekeke Tell Siwan oppa this is because that cat is pretty like him kekekeke

Okay, I shouldn't burden my friend, Szennie who is re-writing this for me >.< So, take care, Heechullie oppa! Know that I always love you n.n

Malilith F. Ila (
Jung Heechul's first wife (yes, you may have more wives haha) Your biggest fan/stan

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Voices of My Heart

Voices of My Heart

Those words that escaped me
Those words that you ignored
Before I could really convince you
That those were true
You left, leaving regrets

I couldn't do a thing, I couldn't even let my voice out
All I could do was only watch you
Walking away, leaving regrets

My heart called out to you, crying out
My voiceless scream echoes, it waves
When there's nothing left anymore
I wait for you, waiting for you

Those words that you looked away from, I love you...
Those words that I choked to say
There was no chance in convincing you
You don't share the same feelings
You left, leaving regrets

I couldn't do a thing, I couldn't even let my voice out
All I could do was only watch you
Walking away, leaving regrets

My heart called out to you, crying out
My voiceless scream echoes, it waves
When there's nothing left anymore
I wait for you, waiting for you

I couldn't really sleep
When my feet touched the floor, I cried
Remembering your fading back
What was left was your remaining shadows
I can't really breathe, my chest tightened
Walking away, leaving regrets

I screamed out to the dark nothingness again
Because I know you couldn't hear me
No matter how hard I try
I close my eyes, picturing your smiles
Whishing these memories would stay
Because you left, father away
I sat there, holding my own hand, holding on
Wishing that we might meet again someday

My heart called out to you, crying out
My voiceless scream echoes, it waves
When there's nothing left anymore
I wait for you, waiting for you

I waited, for the whole day
Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years
You might walk here again
We might meet again
I waited for you

By: Malilith F. Ila

Inspired by Voice of My Heart by Infinite, I changed it to my own version, my own situation.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

This secret

This secret

Secretly I wished you'd stay again
Even when the hope almost vanished
Living in this situation
I'm used to it already
You, breaking my heart day by day
My falling tears

Your words, are sweet, like candy
They are venomed with lies
You said, you'd stay
But you went away
Like a fool I believed in you again and again
This secret, I keep them to myself

I don't even know how long this heart
Could continue holding it in
Our predictable story
Happens yet again
As time flies by, I stayed by your side
I still, wish you'd keep your promises (this secret)
Like an idiot, I waited and waited (I keep them)
This waiting shakes me deep inside
This secret, I keep them to myself

I know, I know, I still smiled
I don't know, if you knew
How much I trusted you
You keep on asking me to believe in you
I do, yes, I do (yet I'm being lied again)

Your words, are sweet, like candy
They are venomed with lies
You said, you'd stay
But you went away
Like a fool I believed in you again and again
This secret, I keep them to myself

One day, when my heart died on you
Don't you ask why
You should know, girl

You said you're sorry
But your action continues
It loses its meaning (you keep repeating)
The same predictable story again
I can only pray you'd stay

Your words, are sweet, like candy
They are venomed with lies
You said, you'd stay
But you went away
Like a fool I believed in you again and again
This secret, I keep them to myself

I want to cry (girl, these tears fell because of you)
I'm broken (girl, you're breaking this heart)
I lost my pride (girl, you're not playing fair)

By: Malilith F. Ila

I don't even know. This best describe how I feel right now. I'm probably the biggest idiot around. I trusted too much. To whom this is directed to, I still, still like your regular idiot, wished that you'd one day, keep your promises. Or maybe we'll just see one day when this heart really died on you, my hidden tears, my broken pride, you'll responsible for them all.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

back pain and my neck... ;-;

mood: hurt
song: MBLAQ - Stay
moment of the day: freaking happy mood changes drastically to freaking sad and hurt after seeing that Heechul is back to losing at ZE:A Survivor.

Case 1:

I honestly freaking hate my dad just few hours ago. I have been waiting fro him ever since like my class ended which is at 2PM [2PM BABY! The hottest time of the day!] and he was supposed to pick me up at 5. I was freakin tired, running around for registration, helping my friend and stuff and I swear to God that my shoulders was about to fall carrying the laptop around, ahh my body was really sore and I was really hot. ;A; And after 5.30 I texted him, asking, "Dad, where are you? It's tiring waiting here." and he just replied, "6.30" I was WTF at the moment because he always get mad at me if I was late 5 seconds from the promised time and now he... 1 fucking hours more? WTH. Seriously, I wanna kill him that time. It just added my hatred to him. ;-;

I might be overreacting though. But really, the sweat, the sore body and the waiting just kills me.

Case 2:

M'kay, I've been wanting to make ZE:A a calender ever since the awesome September incident that is ZE:A coming to Malaysia wehee~ but sadly [just a little sad] that they just had to come on the 2nd day of Hari Raya. Because of that, not many ZE:A'S can pass from the celebration to meet them. And so, I just thought that ZE:A need a Malaysian calender so that they can properly arrange their next fanmeet or concert [oh how I wish]. I honestly have been keeping my eyes on one of the most awesome Graphic Designer I ever met, which is Chazz unnie to help me to design the calender, just in case if I really want to make them. xD Yes, that's just how high I look up on your design, Chazz unnie :3

So, I was wondering like a tired, lost, hurt little kitten [I originally write puppy but since Chul like cats... uhh...], waiting for my dad to pick me up I just happen to saw this awesome thing. But it was kind of expensive and I'm broke buying all the albums and ZE:A's calender and clothes. ;A; But ahh, how I wish I could buy it. I was so... hesitating and I decided to leave before I really buy it. But really, this things is awesome because I have no idea on how to make a calender. It's simple I know but I don't know where can I actually punch it and out the ring, compiling everything up to make it a calender. Anyway, here's the thing;

Don't you think it's cute? I'd be a perfect Malaysian calender gift from us, Malaysian ZE:A'S.

Case 3:

I don't know. I think I should start FBing again. To promote the project. I need more participants. I was scared of FB. I know this might sound stupid, but I am. Don't ask why, because I don't really have a right reason. :[

Case 4:

Just learnt about leadership today. And I noticed that I'm that of 'Club Country' leader style. /sigh
It isn't so good. I'm trying my best to become a good 'Team Leader' and not 'Autocratic' or uhh.. what's the last? lmao I can't even remember coz it sucks the most lmao.

But how do I become a good leader?

Case 5:

SPAZZING TIME!!! YEY I GOT A GOOD NEWS TODAY! THE RETARDED YESASIA FINALLY POST MY/OUR LOVE LETTER ALBUM TODAY! OH MY GOD YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW!!! :DDDDD Okay, so, a week or less to get it in my hands. OH YEAH! UH UH OH YEAH~ I'M FEELING GOOD~ OH YEAH! YEAH YEAH, OH YEAH YEAH YEAH! I love you, Joon~ :3 Even if I never really listen to MBLAQ or have any desire to buy your album. Okay, I just love you :] And Cheondung too :D Then Mir, then GO. Lastly Seungho. <3 /no, i dont love the last two boys

I happy. Really. Now my head is off one thing. Worrying about the damn album. And now I can rest happily without thinking of being so freaking late [because of me, my credit card and yesasia] for the album and feeling freaking guilty to Race, Szen, Chazz unnie, and Mira.


Case 6:

I just bought some cool stuff. Or so, I think it's cool. xD Cool clothing for winter. Yes, I know, Malaysia doesn't have winter at all but I just want a set of winter outfit just because I'm a diva like that. xD Mkay. Tomorrow I'll take lotsa pictures and post it on everywhere. It has been a while since I take any picture. So yeah, tomorrow is the photoshoot! for photo update :3 ngggggg yeyyyyy~

Case 7:

Mmmm yeah. The drawing I was supposed to make for Chul, I mean chibi Chul is... in KIV lmao. Okay, it's done but only the sketching xD I thought of posting the sketching here but oh well, no, no teaser xD

LA LA LA LA LA~ Today is a happy but tiring day~ :3 No. I'm only happy after I arrived home, so uhm, yeah~ Happy evening day :3

statement of the day: I kinda hate online shopping now.
someone to love: Jung Heechul
word of the day: murasaki - purple

THEN THE MOOD HAS CHANGED TOTALLY TO FREAKING DEPRESSED SEEING CHUL IS LOSING AT THE GAME THING. i know im crazy. its just that i only wanted this round for him. i swear to GOD that i will give the others the chance to win after this.

;-; this is heart breaking but i will fight.

i feel like buying Chaerin a gift for supporting me in my fight to win Heechul. and the other who's cutting his points... =[ im just... hurt. <--- selfish bastard's self rant that proves to be asking a direct slap to the cheek from Heechul's sexy/abusive hand.

/gets slapped by Heechul

;A; /cries

/Chul glares

;A; /keep on crying

/Chul slapped again

/slapped him back and cried

/gets slapped again

/hugs Chul

/gets pushed

you see, its the never ending life of being rejected. /in your imagination

Heechul is clearly not amused. at all.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


mood: anxious
song: ZE:A - Mazeltov
moment of the day: confusing myself on learning how to edit picture

Case 1:

I still can't believe I'm turning 20 this year. I know that some people are probably annoyed to hell hearing this again but I just still can't believe it. It takes only a year to turn 19 to 20, but the feeling of turning 20 is so big to me. Maybe that's because I just... well, I'm afraid of being an adult. I liked my teen age no matter how much I said I hated it. Seeing myself as a 20 year old freaks me out. Even now, looking into the mirror feels so different. I don't know, it just give me a different vibe when I see myself. But then again, that's just me, afraid of the other me.

Didn't I look old now?
It's me, at the car park after attending a dinner.

Case 2:

xD Okay, this is cute :3
Not really cute since it's from Seoyoon lmao but still~ It's cute coz it represents my 3 top biases in ZE:A xD hehe
She said it was for my belated birthday but why does Taera get it too then? >[ I am so not accepting it as a belated birthday gift. But I'll take it as a leisure gift haha!
The picture pasted are old pictures of them haha It makes me laugh xD
But hey, it's still Chul, Shik and Kev's pic :3

Jung Heechul, once again, PLEASE MARRY ME :D

Case 3:

No, I'm not going to the Organ Recital ;A; ahhhh
My fault, really. First, the transport. Then, the uncertainty of the two kids whether they can go or not. Then, me not really sure how to book. Last, me booking too late Dx Ah, I suck. Literally. I really wanna go though. /pouts
I hope Chazz unnie and the others enjoy it :3
Maybe this is karma for laughing at Taera for not being able to go? Dx ahh, idk.

Case 4:

I know, I say this alot but hey, ZE:A is so important to my life, you have no idea. haha
I feel bad for not being that excited for Junsu's birthday though. Maybe because Junsu have so many love. /no. that's probably just an excuse

But yes, ZE:A, thanks for being in my life. My life are even more wonderful after you guys came :3
I have no idea why you guys are so important. So I'll just claim this as a true love! haha
Ah, I have so many things to say when it's about ZE:A. So, I'll refrain myself from making a 256732182434567839201 words essay xD

Food. And wishes for ZE:A.

Good night~ and HAPPY ZE:ANNIVERSARY again!~

statement of the day: I honestly think Heechul is actually like me.
someone to love: Hibari Kyoya
word of the day: 모든 - all
Updated the form? lol

moment of the day:

bla bla bla

statement of the day:
someone to love:
word of the day:

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

post one after the new year post

mood: sleepy
song: BDSK - Keep Your Heads Down
moment of the day: Sleeping on my parents bed shamelessly while waiting for my sister to finish her work.

Today, I read a JunWoo fic just because of this --> 'Mr-spoilt-rich-brat-from-jeju' xD My friend was tweeting it and I told her that really suit Chullie so she told that it's a fic and she gave me the link LOLOLOL The JunWoo was cute as hell but still, 'Mr-spoilt-rich-brat-from-jeju' xD OMG CRACKED ME I LOVE IT xD

somebody need to restrain my love over that boy Dx it's getting uncontrollable like loving Heechul. sheesh

No No No Hibari, please don't bite me to death *-*

I can't... resist...

statement of the day: Work is NOT done Dx
someone to love: Jung Heechul
word of the day: 절대적인 - absolute

Monday, January 3, 2011

hello, blog~

it's passed 2010 so i think i should open up a new book? :]
i'll cast the other post void~ [is this the right word? lol]

even though i reluctantly close down 2010, since i'm leaving my precious '19 years old' ;A;
this year i'll hit 20 which means i'm officially OLD.


i will...
make a list of what happened in 2010 after this, maybe... xD

but all in all...
i'll start updating my blog again?

thanks to Chazz unnie for making me remember that I DO OWN a blog kekeke

don't you think my blog needs a good layout? LOL
but then again, this is the darkest layout i could find *-*
makes my blog looks evil LOL

anyway... i guess since i'm still stubborn, i'll still use a form? when i post keke xD

this, is the form.

moment of the day:

bla bla bla

statement of the day:
someone to love:


i think thats all kekekeke