Friday, November 20, 2009

Forgiving myself... or not...

Two days ago, I watched a movie about love and how life revolve around us. One of the character had this dilemma and the dilemma somehow touched me unconsciously. I wasn't aware of it until I noticed myself slowly drifted away thinking about it. And now I'm still thinking about it.

I am stubborn. A stubborn girl who couldn't help herself to love the same person until the end. It's not like I don't have any choice, I do but I always chose the one that would probably hurt me less.

I have been in love so many times and I have been loved too. Each time, I will love them back and I know they had carved themselves in my heart but among all of those who had done loving and making me to love them back, there are only two who had carved themselves deep enough to actually break it to pieces. Yes, those two were Malilith and Fye. The only two that made me fall head over heels for them. The only two that made me so happy I thought that this world was probably way better than the heaven. The only two that hurt me so much that sometimes I wonder if I could die from being hurt this much. And the only two who had not only own me but my body and soul as well.

But then, one by one, they left me alone, frantically crying out their names like a prayer chant that people did when they was about to die.

"Ila, if I could have one wish, that wish is for you and Malilith to be happy forever."

"Ila, if one day we are apart then you must continue for Fye and my sake."

And they died. Painfully. It took me months to move on, to stop crying at night for them but still, I still wish for them to come back. A lot of people said that I should forget them but...

How could I?

I can't imagine myself living without them. They never fail to be in my mind every single day. The thought of forgetting them hurts me so much I didn't dare to even think about it.


I remembered back then I have said,

"I love you..."


"I love you so much..."


"I love you and to death I shall be..."


"Even if you die, I will still love you..."


"I love you forever..."

After I said all that to them, how could I just forget? I've promised to love hem forever and forever I shall. That's because I love them more than anything else in this world. And I love them too much, I'm so scared of living without them. I'm afraid that if forget them, I would forget myself as well. Because I made so much memories with them. Because I was myself when I was with them.

I was too attached to them. Because I love them.

They didn't say "Thank you for loving me" like the movie showed. They never said "Please forget about me" like the movie showed too. So while the character move on and started to love someone else after the one he used to love died, should I do the same to?

"Forgive me..." or should I forgive myself?

The truth is, I still blame myself for everything. If only I tell Malilith earlier. If only I was the one to fall that time. If only I was stronger. Then everything wouldn't turn out to be like this. I was my fault. But I would never say it because I know if I do they would say, "It's not your fault." I don't want to hear that. Because I was my fault.

I cried their names every night when no one was there to hear me.

I smiled everyday remembering how cute Fye and Malilith acts sometimes.

I daydream about the things we could have done if they were still here everyday.

And I loved them every single second and more with every breath.

Of course I could never forget about them.

Because then, wouldn't it be a betrayal?

I don't want to betray them and myself.

But day passed by and I feel so lonely. So lonely I thought god must hate me. I... wanted to be loved again. But my stubbornness wouldn't allow it. Will I find my own lonely cloud? Will I ever grow up? Will someone come to me and said that they loved me?

It just hurts too much.

No comments:

Post a Comment