Dear lover

Dear lover who I can't be sure yet just who you are,

I have always thought that I'm dying, emotionally and physically
and frankly speaking I can't see who am I in my reflection
sometimes I'm so scared if the mirror breaks apart
and show me who I really am
I'm just scared to know who I really am
Am I really me, I just don't know

Sometimes I see hope in my own eyes
but sometimes it seems so far away
and I just can't forget the pain of losing them all
I feel so useless
like a retarded bitch

I'm so stained
I'm not pure
I hated it myself
but just
I am waiting
for you my love who I don't even know
to one day come to me
and tell me that to you
I'm forever sacred

And I wish I could meet you someday
you who could understand who I am
you the one who knows me better than I did
you who create a world filled with dreams
It's okay even if we're just dreaming
we'll keep on doing that
untill the day I am sure I'm almost dead

I wish you could understand how much I really do love Malilith and Fye
and tell me to cherish the memory, not to forget it
because it's so freaking hurt to forget
feels like being stabbed on open wounds
feels like it's bleeding so much and I can't do anything about it but
just pretend like I'm okay and bear with it
and with the guilt of not letting them know
it's so heavy, the burden
but I just don't want them to think that they've made me hurt
deep enough

A lot of people said I'm stupid for slitting my wrist and all
and there are some who just give up on me
but i still wish to meet you, my love who I still can't reach
to tell me that it's not too late
and it's never too late

They didn't know who I am and I don't know either
but bleeding feels good
it sort of like a drug
people do drugs and eventually they die
it's the same as slitting your wrist
it hurts but it feels good at the same time
and I did it to ease the pain inside
I didn't do it to show anyone that I'm trying to kill myself
I'm doing it for myself
because I don't want to lose control

I always thought that it's better to feel pain
than being numb and not feel anything at all
being numb is so scary
it's cold and dark and nothing matters anymore
and you'll just love the feeling of being drowned in misery
and to me I saw the colors are cold blue and red
and I'm frozen in time
feels like I die alive

And I know I'm wreckless
but I still wish to meet you, my love who I cant meet just yet
and wait for you to tell me that
I'm your sweetest poison

They said in one of the books I read
death is not the most serious illness
it's worst wanting to die and not being able to
but somehow I thought
it's probably worser wanting to die but not wanting to
and you can't even try to die
because once you're lost
you'll never come back
and probably the worst
if you never die and your life is being denied
will this ever die?

I used to thought that I'd grow wings
and I dream of them
they are black and pretty
and I wore black leather or probably PVC clothes
it fits me and it's so pretty
and probably sexy
then I saw there are two more who dreamed the same
but one is purely grey and white
and he was pretty and I knew he is an angel from his gaze
and another one is in black and red
he shows anger, misery but a glitch of satisfactory
and I know from his smile that he's human
then they looked at me and looked into my eyes
as I smiled to them
I noticed that I'm the devil
born with blood seeking instinct
and that evil inside me
but I wonder why
do I love them two so much
is it because they accept me just they way I am
or is it because I'm in love
just how love was suposed to feel?

I'm always afraid that people could read through me
so stupid, right
but sometimes I wish they could see if I'm really smiling
or lying my feelings just to show that I care about them
and I really do care about them
in fact I love them freaking much more than I love myself
but sometimes they are confused
I just love them like I do

I had this weird feeling
I love being touched
but I hate being touched too
sometimes I don't know why I'm resisting
when I know that I want it
but maybe I'm just scared to be loved
and afraid of hurting someone that I love
sometimes I just wish that no one loves me
but then I'd feel so lonely
and I don't even know what to do now
should I turn right or left?

I love to dream
and everytime I sleep I wish I dreamed and remember it
and I used to dream alot
I'm always in different situation and me is different person
it goes up and down in my dream
but lately it's getting slower
almost like I had nothing to dream of anymore
but I wish I'll keep on dreaming
because I miss them all
who appeared in my dreams

Sometimes I write down my dreams
or comment about it
but there is a dream that I'm so scared of
what if it's real and me who are here isn't
probably I'm just denying
my life, over here

and for you, my dear who probably has lost yourself in time
I wish for you to hold me and kiss me and tell me it's alright
it's alright to dream like this
and wish it's real
and tell me that you'll always be here
to be with me and to listen
and I wish that when I get you
I will never hurt you

I know I'm just selfish
but I just want to somehow find you myself
as I'm falling in the rainy sorrow

If you are the one then please save me
from my self-destructing shit

and I just want you to know that I will love you
until my heart stops bleeding
until one day I died in my smile
and not my tears out

I love you, Ila

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I found this. An old file and I decided to post this. Well, this is who I am. Before. And I still love her. No matter what. hahahaha