Dear lover

Dear lover who I can't be sure yet just who you are,

I have always thought that I'm dying, emotionally and physically
and frankly speaking I can't see who am I in my reflection
sometimes I'm so scared if the mirror breaks apart
and show me who I really am
I'm just scared to know who I really am
Am I really me, I just don't know

Sometimes I see hope in my own eyes
but sometimes it seems so far away
and I just can't forget the pain of losing them all
I feel so useless
like a retarded bitch

I'm so stained
I'm not pure
I hated it myself
but just
I am waiting
for you my love who I don't even know
to one day come to me
and tell me that to you
I'm forever sacred

And I wish I could meet you someday
you who could understand who I am
you the one who knows me better than I did
you who create a world filled with dreams
It's okay even if we're just dreaming
we'll keep on doing that
untill the day I am sure I'm almost dead

I wish you could understand how much I really do love Malilith and Fye
and tell me to cherish the memory, not to forget it
because it's so freaking hurt to forget
feels like being stabbed on open wounds
feels like it's bleeding so much and I can't do anything about it but
just pretend like I'm okay and bear with it
and with the guilt of not letting them know
it's so heavy, the burden
but I just don't want them to think that they've made me hurt
deep enough

A lot of people said I'm stupid for slitting my wrist and all
and there are some who just give up on me
but i still wish to meet you, my love who I still can't reach
to tell me that it's not too late
and it's never too late

They didn't know who I am and I don't know either
but bleeding feels good
it sort of like a drug
people do drugs and eventually they die
it's the same as slitting your wrist
it hurts but it feels good at the same time
and I did it to ease the pain inside
I didn't do it to show anyone that I'm trying to kill myself
I'm doing it for myself
because I don't want to lose control

I always thought that it's better to feel pain
than being numb and not feel anything at all
being numb is so scary
it's cold and dark and nothing matters anymore
and you'll just love the feeling of being drowned in misery
and to me I saw the colors are cold blue and red
and I'm frozen in time
feels like I die alive

And I know I'm wreckless
but I still wish to meet you, my love who I cant meet just yet
and wait for you to tell me that
I'm your sweetest poison

They said in one of the books I read
death is not the most serious illness
it's worst wanting to die and not being able to
but somehow I thought
it's probably worser wanting to die but not wanting to
and you can't even try to die
because once you're lost
you'll never come back
and probably the worst
if you never die and your life is being denied
will this ever die?

I used to thought that I'd grow wings
and I dream of them
they are black and pretty
and I wore black leather or probably PVC clothes
it fits me and it's so pretty
and probably sexy
then I saw there are two more who dreamed the same
but one is purely grey and white
and he was pretty and I knew he is an angel from his gaze
and another one is in black and red
he shows anger, misery but a glitch of satisfactory
and I know from his smile that he's human
then they looked at me and looked into my eyes
as I smiled to them
I noticed that I'm the devil
born with blood seeking instinct
and that evil inside me
but I wonder why
do I love them two so much
is it because they accept me just they way I am
or is it because I'm in love
just how love was suposed to feel?

I'm always afraid that people could read through me
so stupid, right
but sometimes I wish they could see if I'm really smiling
or lying my feelings just to show that I care about them
and I really do care about them
in fact I love them freaking much more than I love myself
but sometimes they are confused
I just love them like I do

I had this weird feeling
I love being touched
but I hate being touched too
sometimes I don't know why I'm resisting
when I know that I want it
but maybe I'm just scared to be loved
and afraid of hurting someone that I love
sometimes I just wish that no one loves me
but then I'd feel so lonely
and I don't even know what to do now
should I turn right or left?

I love to dream
and everytime I sleep I wish I dreamed and remember it
and I used to dream alot
I'm always in different situation and me is different person
it goes up and down in my dream
but lately it's getting slower
almost like I had nothing to dream of anymore
but I wish I'll keep on dreaming
because I miss them all
who appeared in my dreams

Sometimes I write down my dreams
or comment about it
but there is a dream that I'm so scared of
what if it's real and me who are here isn't
probably I'm just denying
my life, over here

and for you, my dear who probably has lost yourself in time
I wish for you to hold me and kiss me and tell me it's alright
it's alright to dream like this
and wish it's real
and tell me that you'll always be here
to be with me and to listen
and I wish that when I get you
I will never hurt you

I know I'm just selfish
but I just want to somehow find you myself
as I'm falling in the rainy sorrow

If you are the one then please save me
from my self-destructing shit

and I just want you to know that I will love you
until my heart stops bleeding
until one day I died in my smile
and not my tears out

I love you, Ila

---

I found this. An old file and I decided to post this. Well, this is who I am. Before. And I still love her. No matter what. hahahaha

Loving you

i can't remember when is the first time i saw you
what i know is you're always there
through my up and down, my happiness and contra

loving you, it is hard
but it was pure bliss

in loving you, i learn how to be myself
and i learn to love myself for you

when i'm with you i feel good
about myself and who i really am
because you never fail to make me love you
more and more every second

loving you, through every seasons
like we was meant to be together

in loving you, i am proud to be me
and i learn to have pride for you

you said it doesn't matter
if it rains, if it burns
always know that you were there too

loving you, more than anyone else
and wish that we will never be apart

in loving you, i appreciate life
and learn that life is more than you know

smile, laugh, cry, scared and excited
i've been through that all with you
and when our hands are laced together
i could feel your beating heartbeat
calm against mine

loving you, letting the warmth spread over me
in loving you, i feel complete

Statement of the day :
I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME!!! LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!

Because I feel kind of lonely. Hahaha. Today we talked about my Mr. Perfect (with Hafiz) and then I realized that... well, I need to find him. Haha... Or maybe not... I don't know. I just sucked at this love thingy. Or maybe it's just like what Malilith used to say. I'm a bad luck for love.... hahah

Goodbye, Megat

Yesterday I talked to him again, my ex and he was telling me all this kind of stuff (that looks cool to him) to me and well, I was listening until he said something about he doesn't care to lose friends, especially his GIRL friends (he doesn't want to be friends with girls who already have boyfriends). And being a sensitive person I was (at that time) I said, "Well then, bye." He asked, "Why? You have a boyfriend?" I smiled and I lied to him, "Yes."

At first he was quiet a bit then he asked, "Who is it?"

Not knowing what to say and what to do (I was thinking about Serizawa that time and I have this urge to tell him that it's Serizawa but thinking that by saying that I'd blow my cover by saying his name I didn't do it) after a long pause, I said, "It's a secret."

And him being him, he paused for a minute. I did the same as a smile creeps over my feature. Then he said, "Well then, I'm going now. Bye." I replied him with an okay before he hung up. Later, he gave me a message, "I swear to GOD that I will never bother you again." And to be honest, I didn't expect that. To be honest I feel a bit hurt with that. Yeah, I'm nothing to him after all this time he said HE LOVED ME? Yeah, bye. I thought of telling him that I lied but my pride doesn't allow me and that night I sleep with my cellphone near me. For what? I don't even know.

All in all, here what I'm gonna say is, "Goodbye, Megat. I loved you as lover before and friend after we broke up but now you didn't even want me as a friend. Yeah, sorry for everything. Sorry for all the lies I've told. Sorry for being there for you and lastly, sorry for loving you. Goodbye again and good night."

Statement of the day :
I feel like a bitch... and I love it.

Because I hurt people so much and that hurts me I start to wonder if I actually like to hurt people or myself. I don't know.

I'm updating my life here

yeah :D

because i'm too busy to take care of my other sites
and i'm too lazy to do it anyway
so i thought...

maybe i'll make this site like my headquarters

so... yay to this site!

don't worry
i'll still use the other site
but

RARELY

but that doesn't mean i'll update it everyday or every week
i'll only update when i have the chance to

WARNING : don't get surprised to see/read/watch/hear/whatever what i might post
i MUST remind you that
i don't think i'm sane
so forgive me if my insanity creeps over this place

and yeah i need to upgrade this site
and make it prettier
but i'm too lazy
but i'll do it
someday or sometime

statement of the day :
MUKURO IS FREAKING SEXY LIKE HELL SEXY!

i think i'm attracted to him a bit too much
well
and in a wrong way
hahahaha
i need a mental check up
know any place to do it?

frozen winter

It's winter again, but now it isn't cold anymore. It's just purely numbing, of all her senses. Her eyes are open but does her heart do too? She stays by the river bank, staring at the seemingly calm water, her heart is beating so soft, she couldn't even sure if she is there or is she dreaming again? The water, it is so clear and she could see right through it. If only she could see future right through like she did with this river. Slowly she takes a rock and throws it into the water, staring at the sight of the waves gradually losing.

"It is so quiet, feels so lost without you, brothers."

The three of them went to the river and started to collect rocks on the river bank. Then, they all lined up, almost perfectly up by the river bank and one by one, throwing the rocks into the river, smiling as they did so.

"Malilith, what's your wish?" asked the grey-haired Fye.
"Yeah! Yeah! Tell us yours!" added Ila, staring at her Malilith intently.
"What? Of course you can't know someone else's wish! Or else it will never come true!" snapped Malilith, turning his back on both of the questioners.
"Aww, come on Malilith! You're no fun!" whined Ila, turning up her lips.
"No way!" said Malilith in irritated voice.
"Okay! Fine! I won't tell mine too!" whined the angry Ila, as her wish is not obeyed.
"Haha! You two are funny as ever! Do you guys wanna know mine?" chuckled Fye, smiling at both of the irritated ones.
"Really, really?" asked Ila, curious.
"No! Your wish shall never come true if you tell us!" protested Malilith.
"It's okay because I believe that my wish will always be true," replied Fye calmly, easing the nervous still air.
"Really?" asked Ila for confirmation. She wouldn't want to ruin Fye's wish too.
"I wish that we will always be together, stay with each other, live together forever through the day and night. I know that this wish has come true and it will always be true. Because I love you both more than anything else, Malilith, Ila."

Both of the listeners smiled at the one who wished so and hugged him lovingly. In their hug, they both whispered slowly to Fye, "We love you too, so much."

"You shouldn't have told us that, Fye. Because in the end you're the one who destroyed it."

This time it's only the two of them and they went to the very same place, the river. And the cold water is frozen, as solid, as cold as death. Malilith and Ila stared at the frozen lake, breathing soft steams and then they both took a rock for each of them. Without hesitation, Malilith threw his as hard as he could and breathed out. Ila then followed his lead and fell on her knees, looking down to the soft grayish white snows. Malilith stared at the same frozen entity too before turning on his back.

"I wish Fye could be here with us. That's all I'm wishing for," said Malilith slowly but loud enough for Ila to hear it. It was heartbreaking, everything reminded them of Fye. Then, they both burst into tears, without a sound. They just couldn't afford to stare at each other teary eyes anymore.

"And yet it's only you who could be with Fye. How I envy you, Malilith. But I love you so much I wish you'd be happy there."

She stands up, walking away from the scene. What her wish was, no one ever knows beside herself. But what the others knew was that it never came true.

and when you're gone
i thought of giving up life
but in my sleep
you turn to me and whispered
that you love me
things that's once lost
you can never get it back
being slipped away by unforgiving time
my winter blows sorrow
straight to my darkened heart
even still
the wounds never stop bleeding

in my sighs and cries
i chant your name
in this memorial night
wish me something else
and hope thy wish come true
before this flame stopped burning
and before the dark
creeps and reaps me out

now and me and this is

I am jealous of them
those who are smart
and i have let down hope

i wish
i could join them when they had dinner together that time
i could taste their cookings
i could be smarter
i am not left alone anymore
i could hide my feelings from them since they are always keeping distance when i do
i am not afraid to be alone
i could be their best friend
i'm not this pathetic
i'm not this poor
i could always go out with them
i didn't ask Malilith to lend me money coz I feel so guilty
I am rich enough to join them

I know that you love someone,
but that someone isn't me
it isn't me

:: sleepless nights ::

Soft sobs filled the room with absence of laughter. The mood in the air is heavy but gradually it thicken.

"Stop crying," said Malilith.
"But I just.. missed Fye so much.." Ila was sobbing. She just didn't know what to do when she cried like this. And she can't even stop.
"Don't!" Malilith glared at her direction. His face was red. He was angry and this whole crying and missing thing are stressing him up. He is just angry. He didn't want to cry. No, he didn't.

"Malilith, why are you crying?" asked Fye with concern in his eyes.
"I made Ila bleed. I.. I was playing with her.. and I pushed her.. and.. suddenly.. she.. fell.. and she bleeds.. a lot.." sniffed Malilith. He was so scared of what he have done to the girl.
"Where is she?"
"At.. her room.. she.. didn't wake up.. i tried.. to wake her up.. did I.. did i.. just killed her..?" asked Malilith, crying noticeably now.
"It's okay. Lets go and see her now," patted Fye on his head and took him to Ila's room.

"Why can't I? I just missed him too much," sobbed Ila.
"Stop doing this to me! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you, Ila! You always get the best from him! I hate you! I hate you! I.. hate you..."
"I'm so sorry.."

"Ila, are you okay? You bleed so much. How are you feeling? Are you cold?" asked Fye.
"I'm getting better. Tell Malilith that I love him and it's okay. It wasn't his fault," replied Ila. Fye smiled at the reply and asked Malilith to come in.
"Malilith! Look! I'm okay! I just feel sleepy that time! Don't worry" said Ila, smiling happily. "Really?" asked Malilith. "Yes, really," cut Fye.
"You really scared me, Ila. Ila, I love you. I love you and I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," said Malilith.
"Haha, I know that. and lookie, I can walk now!"

"Malilith, I love you..."
"I hate you. I really do. Now stop.. Please"

sleepless nights
where my tainted blood are denied
and your rejection towards my love
when we have lose it all
i did not ask for it
but sometimes
it just happens
and i'm okay with you blaming me
because this overflowing love
it hurt too much too keep
silently

i concern for your dreams
i'm afraid of your guilt
and when you left
everything felt numb
silently

"Malilith, please don't burden it anymore. Your heart."
"I wish I could"

And after you're gone, each time it's near, the dark air are still there. Chasing the warmth inside. Threatening to kill it with bare hands.

I love you