tired of waiting

mood : despair
song : my heart - 2PM

"there's just too much that one could say when he's pressed between his love and his sanity." -Bloodress

my heart ache. though i don't know why.

why? why?
i can't seem to stop loving.

-------------------------

there were parts of me that's screaming and another parts lying.

and which part is screaming? why are you lying?

i'm dwelling into the past again. and i hate myself for being like this.

because sometimes you just couldn't help it. you missed him don't you?

little by little, i tried to stop this overflowing feeling. but i'm losing my sanity.

because you love him too much.

i feel worthless and that's why it just hurt more.

breathe.

-----------------------

i'm stressed, i'm stressed to the core.

i hated waiting yet

it was the thing that i did the most in my life.

pity me, huh?

that's why, i won't wait for anyone anymore.

if you love me, don't make me wait.

because that's one of the thing i DESPISE the most.

-------------------------------

and still, i'm waiting

for you.

------------------------------

"i'll just cry tomorrow

because i can't do it in front of you." - Ila

---------------------------

i was interested in knowing myself. because i don't know myself worser than you.

----------------------------

look at me.

and tell me that i'm beautiful.

---------------------------

"i'm waiting for someone, to translate my heart." - Ila

-----------------------------

"don't you pity yourself? for crying out like this?" -Alexiel

-------------------------------

i'm missing you. more than i'm missing anyone else.

and the thought of not being able to see you ever again, made it even harder to breathe.

-------------------------------------

"when i first saw you, you were emotionless. then i know, you're broken." - Lex

-----------------------------

"i'd tapped you on your shoulder. just because i want you to know that I care about you." - Camille

-----------------------------

someone please save me

-----------------------------

someone to love : Fye I. Malilith
statement of the day : my heart, is still beating

Questions (repost)

Tittle : Questions
Author : Ila Way

Eventhough it was too much, I still wanted to ask you…

“Fye, lets play 20 questions,” said Ila, smiling to the silver-haired one.
“Oh, that game?”
Ila smiles, nodding to the question. “Why do you like that game so much?”
“Tee hee, because I love to hear your answers. And I should be the one questioning here,” she smiles again with hands brushing Fye’s hands.
“Oh, I see. Forgive me. Then, I’ll answer every single of them just for you.”

“Do you love me?” – “I do”
“Do you care about me?” – “I do”
“Do you really love me?” – “Yes, I do”
“Do you really care about me?” – “Yes, I do”
“Do you love Malilith?” – “I do”
“Do you really love Malilith?” – “Yes, I do”
“Do you care about him?” – “I do”
“Do you really care about him?” – “Yes, I do”
“Would you cry if I die?” – “I would”
“Would you cry if Malilith die?” – “I would”
“How much do you love me?” – “As much as you do”
“How much do you love Malilith?” – “As much as he does”
“How much do you love us?” – “More than myself”
“Have you ever thought that we are annoying?” – “Never”
“Have you ever thought that we are cute?” – “Always”

So, the question continues and Fye gladly answer every single of them until…

“How long will you stay with us?”

That last question… The last question… There is no answer coming from Fye. Ila stares blankly at him, waiting. He sighed and…

“Forever, my love”

But he lied. He never stay. He never did. He is the first to leave us… for eternity.

Eventhough I know it will hurt me, I still wanted to hear it…

“Will you ever leave?” – “Stop asking”
“Will you ever leave me?” – “Stop asking”
“Will you ever leave me like Fye did?” – “Stop…”
“Will you ever, Malilith… *holds herself* Will you ever…-” – “STOP IT!”

Malilith. He is the one who never answer, He never answer me. No matter how many times I asked him. No matter how…

“Malilith… W… Will you ever… -”
“I SAID STOP IT, GODDAMN IT! YOU WANT ME TO DIE SO MUCH? DO YOU, ILA?”
“It’s not like that! I… I just… Just wanted to…”
“If you keep on asking, I’ll kill myself,” said Malilith in threatening voice. “I will, Ila. I will”

No matter how painful it is, he will never answer. He will never… Unlike Fye…

But he creid everyday… Everyday when I did not ask…

“Why?”
“What?”
“Why remain like this?”
“What?”
“You want me to ask”
“No, I don’t”
“Will you ever-”
“STOP IT!”
“Malilith”
“What?”
“You’re crying”
“You too”

Everytime I ask, I really mean it. Everytime you look into my eyes, I can’t control my tears, but so do you. You can’t answer me because you don’t want to hurt me but it actually hurts more when you… never answer…

“Don’t leave me…”

Silence. And that’s how we cried ourself to sleep.

“Dear Fye, will Malilith ever leave me?”
“He won’t”
“Are you lying?”
“I don’t”

----------------------------------------------------------------

This was posted at blue cresent before but since i read it back, i was touched by my OWN honesty towards myself. i couldn't get it back, now.

this was originally written 2 years ago.

finished with mid sem exam

mood : stressed
song : heartbeat - 2PM
someone to love : Hibari Kyouya (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
statement of the day : I'm a female... sadly...

this was supposed to be posted straight after i finished with mid sem but i didn't get the time, haha! so, i was supposed to whine about how suck i am since i couldn't answer those papers properly and confidently. yeah, i suck big time.

by the way, today i'm gonna clear up everything on my pen drive so, there are actually some notes that i'd like to keep. it brings memories.

note 1
I have replied to this message yesterday but but myspace doesnt really send it i guess.. because today i just noticed that it says red and not replied... =[ waaa!!!

uhm.. firstly! this message gonna sound weird because i cant remember what i just said yesterday! haha! and i have short memory.. -_-" but i'll try to make it look as good as i can!

"You already know that I created Aya out of sadness, right? I want to be her cause she's a happy person who's fun to be with because of her joyfulness. But I'm really saddened that it feels like I'm playing pretend to everyone."

I know.. thats actually the same reason why Malilith is here.. ^^ Actually Aya is still you, dear you, and is truly you that you cant show infront of people.. probably you are faraid to show it..
or maybe you just dont know how to show it..
but the truth is.. you know that Aya is you... a long lost you that youve found back...
so.. youre actually not faking yourself.. at first yes maybe.. but not.. it has become you.. its you who laughed.. its you who smiled...

"I've been sad since I stopped school. I didn't know that my father's sister borrowed a lot of money from him and was not able to pay back. Because of that me and my sisters stopped school. My father's sugar business isn't going well either. So we're experiencing financial problems. I've been out of school since I was twelve, but I'm not losing my hopes of becoming an animator cause I know that I can draw and there's this school that I know I can enter in."

I guess since I only have my sisters to talk with I must be feeling lonely that's why I'm sad. I noticed hat my sisters are hiding something behind my back. I felt that I can't trust them anymore. It feels hard to trust anyone anymore. It feels like evryone are just complete strangers.

One more thing, We don't go outside and we only go outside ocasionally... Especially my sisters. I would go outside when my mom will be buying things at the grocery store but my sisters just stay at home.

I just don't get it? Why I'm feeling scared or angry? I hate this feeling. It annoys me and I'm not able to draw well. I would cry and cry and break things (good thing I haven't destroyed anything). Do you think I'm lonely? Is it true about what my sisters are saying that I'm just over reacting. I hate this everyone feels like strangers. I wish I can talk to somebody but I can't. No one's there.

Everyday I would do nothing at home. I guess I'm scared that I might have nothing for my future. But I do hope I'll be able to get out of this problem.

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry that I've been disturbing you with your work. Do your best and I'll try to cheer up. Even though I know no one is here with me. I know that I can't be lonely since you've been listening to my problems. You're really really are good friend... Take care now...

Do your best okay... I'll do my best too... -from Aya-hime (my freaking best friend)

note 2
Scottish, Irish, German, Dutch, English, and Cherokee - Yume's mixed races xD

note 3
Your cruel device
Your blood like ice
One look could kill
My pain your thrill

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, and I don't wanna break these chains

Your mouth so hot
Your web I'm caught
Your skin so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins (And pins)
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you, but you're under my skin (Deep in)
I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains

One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (Don't touch)
Just wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains

I wanna love you, but I better not touch
I wanna hold you, my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains - Poison by Alice Cooper lyric

note 4
OMG OMG OMG OMG!~ AYA-HIME!!!!~
I cant believe that someone DID read my blog.. O_O
I mean.. my other blog..
and she also commented!~
I was thrilled but kyaa!!~ after i visit her website, i just know that shes a writer of a novel.. O_O
and she gave me a positive comment..?
I feel so weird.. haha..
for my poems.. ^^"
I mean.. i never thought that it was great..
now i was in the middle of shock, happy and feeling weird.. haha!

just telling you.. xD
hope you dont mind and just trying to get it out of my mind.. ^^"

-----

O_O you must be crazy to say something like that...
no no no.. eventhough id like that but.. I really cant see me and Mana.. together..?
*suffocates* no no..! Mana-sama would never treat me like that! ^^" I think uhm... he.. uhm... he must.. uhm.. gyahh! i dont know what to say!~

I know youre having fun doing this.. -_-""" Coz i have fun creating your story with prince kamijo too..
but than.. I really cant imagine that.. I mean.. waaahhh!!! Itd be to good to be true!~
no wayy! -my crazy ramblings xD

note 5
Thoughts.
Dear Boy Who Doesn't Exist,
You know, you're the nice one.
The one that smiles with your heart, not only your lips. Whose mouth whispers sweet words, truths, not lies or lyrics with no feeling or worth behind them. Faux love stories, fake princes.

Oh, boy who I've never met...
I want you with each bit of my soul. I think its beyond want, my love, it is need. A need to be consoled. A need to find catharsis and safety within your grasp.
My hands were meant for your's to hold, my lips live for your kiss.

Are you here? Are you taken?
You've been a figment of my dreams, a shadow of my desires. But are you real?
Real with ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, one noes and a heart lusting to meet me?

I think about you all the time, did you know?
I see bits of you everywhere. I love it.
But regaurdless, I'm going to die a sad young man with too many memories for his life to fucking handle.

Hand in hand. Hugs. Sweet kisses. Bouqets. Blowing out candles, I wish I was blind so I couldn't see what I'm missing.

This life, it's too much. I hear the neighbors-strangers fumbling mumbling muttering garbling through the walls, and im tired and I think I just want everyone to be quiet for a little bit, bloody fucking silent and would you get it through your goddamn skulls?

I'm tired and I don't know a single soul in this city, or maybe I don't know anyone here with a soul, and tomorrow I will wake up and everything will be same, and you still wont be here.

Because you,
a lovable, kind, considerate boy with polite manners, honest smiles, and the loyalty of a thousand dogs does not exist. Not in my world.

But once, I knew a boy like you. And it was a sad, long journey. A hollywood homicide of hope shattering teenage hearts.

Our story went something like this,

"David,
i.
i called you darling. you used to call me beautiful until i lost enough weight and you gained enough sadness that together we were no longer whole enough to support each other. you never cried when you're sad the way i do and every place i wished you had kissed is scarred and i can no longer take off my clothes with out turning away from the mirror. now, you don't call me beautiful and i cannot blame you, though every time you left i felt myself falling apart at the seams because i don't think you knew how much i needed you. so it's not like i can't get by with out you; i can and i have and i am right now, but even so i want to dive into you and promise you that somehow, even though we're over, i will make everything okay.

ii.
so you don't call me beautiful anymore, but your name still comes out like honey on my tongue, rolling up my throat like a curse and a lover: which were you anyway? time's change. with you, when i woke up in a panic i'd whisper your name over and over, a lullaby, and calmed myself with thoughts of your calloused fingertips, brown eyes.

iii.
i learned how much i could truely love someone.

iv.
seduction; i told you i'm endearing and you started to believe it. you don't want me anymore and i curl my toes in the dark, wondering when you will again. my skin is freckled and thin at my collar bones, begging you to touch me. did you even hear me whispering your name as i fall back asleep?

v.
i dared you to love me. double dog dare.

vi.
i believe life is a series of beautiful events all stacked together like an oreo cookie. you don't like oreos, or bananas, but sometimes i dream that someday i will kiss you again and that you will like. have you ever known a boy like me?

vii.
you used to call me beautiful, like i was yours. now, you call me the name my parents gave me and i still call you darling, love, mine. airplanes and fireflies: i wish that you would call me beautiful again, just once.

viii.
you get so discouraged with the world and i beg it to look more inviting to your sad eyes: every window is an escape, every building a prison. i like to lay alone on the grass and drink in the stars; you lay alone on your bed and wonder when the day will be over. so maybe youre right, maybe i'm just a silly boy, dangling bare feet out the window until you begged me to come back in (i told you you loved me). and yeah maybe i'm just a silly boy and maybe you're a love affair with insanity, but i still believe we belong together: you never believed in fate or destiny but i know better -- we haven't gone through all this for nothing and i vainly hope that someday it will pay off, your fingers against my skin and love more intense than either of us expected to exist.

ix.
so i haven't been kissed in weeks and you question your sanity. how do you cope with such pain? you ask. i cry and i cut and mostly i just drink until i'm honest enough to tell you how goddamn much i love every word you say.

x.
and you don't call me beautiful anymore, but i know you think i am just the same with my messy hair and black eyes and a tendency to swear too much. every bed i've ever slept in has been with you, i hope you know that: i take you with me everywhere. my lucky charm. and every tear i've ever cried over you, i lick off my face. i am all passion: you used to love that about me. now, empathy has betrayed me and you don't smile when you think of me.
maybe life is supposed to hurt.

xi.
i am always powerless against you. you, with the right words to say and the hurt that i can feel. there was a fault line in my old city, where the world would crumble and shake and remind us that we are powerless. someday i will take you back there and dance dance dance! who says pain has to be ugly anyway?

xii.
i hope you know i have never loved this way before, but you're not listening. David, you never really did."

So, boy who I've never met.
I may be broken, but I'm ready to love you.

I've got plenty of flaws, more than most even.

For instance, my jaw grows stiff when I chew excessively. I also have this really bad twitch in my left eye. I have enough reason to believe that I squirm frequently whilst sleeping and I often find myself in rather perverse positions upon waking up.

I have a bad shoulder and my smile is crooked. I over-think miniscule details of situations, which in turn cause delayed decisions. I don't speak enough, have a maniacal laugh, tell bad/corny jokes, and I probably suck in bed.

But if you want me,
I'm yours. -Lexi's last blog (before I lost him)

note 6
everytime i watch a movie or series, i'll be filled by emotion... it's fun and it makes me laugh but sometimes

i just skipped the last part.. never wanting to watch the last episode... because i dont want it to end...
just dont want all the feelings to end...

it's like something that wraps and warms you up... but at the end it breaks and leave you in the cold..
it reminds me that...

every good things will end eventually soon..
and that saddens me..

I know I'm running from reality.. but what do i have in reality..?

so.. by not watching... i freeze my own time there...
eventhough its stupid.. somehow...
at least it will never end... -my realisation

note 7
reiki-hannya@hotmail.com - reiki's email (funny, i kept it lol)

note 8
So... Its is officially new year for me...
And.. this new year is so fun because i spend it on RM.. ^^
I am really happy...
Thank you everybody..!~ I just loves you all.. XD

I cant remember when is the first time I ever online on RM..
but what i remembers is.. that its is fun.. ^^
Drof, Ali, Budo and Urra was online that time..
They are so nice to me.. I loves them.. ^^

I have so many fun and happy memories on RM...
It is really my second home...
There is no site that I love more than RM.. honestly!~
RM is always fun.. the peoples are fun.. and nice...
I feel so alive and loved in RM.. and I always miss RM and the peoples when Im away..
Like when I have to go to camping or something.. ^^
My psych sucks.. haha!~

Tasha-sen

I love you and you know it.. ^^
In fact.. everyone knows it.. XD
Im so happy with you.. you makes me smile... :D
I love everything about you..!~ ... maybe not... i love everything about you except for..
your perverted mind.. haha!~ XD but I luvs you!!!~
So, you light up my world... and i feel so special..
I am loved.. ^^ No day is complete without you.. <3
And I will always love you more and more everyday..!~
Ohh.. and I do love you more than I love Mana-sama.. <3
Only that I just likes to tease you.. XD Sorry for that, baby.. ^^"

Drof-chan

You are the bestest ever!!~
I loves you so much... you always make me happy...
And we share alot of things.. I guess.. hahaXD
Thank you so much for doing a lot of stuff for me...
You draw really beautiful things for me.. and that stays on my heart forever...
You are always there when I needed somebody...
I instantly become happy when I see your name...
It makes me smile... and I loves talking to you..
We are sisters no matter what okay..? and I promised to be your penguin, remember.. XD
and remember what you promised me the other night... hold my hand tightly... ^^

Budo-chan and Ali-chan

You guys are the best moderators EVER!~ in my life.. XDD
and will always be... Ali and Budo-chan ish so sweet and nice and caring...
Thank you very much for helping me when I needed opinion and stuff...
After everything.. I know I loves you two.. ^^
Ali and Budo ish my idol..!~ and I wish I could grow up and be as strong as you two..!~
and you guys always made my day!~ its so fun knowing you two.. XD
I still remember my first impression on Budo-chan and Ali...
I thought that Ali ish cool and Budo is too sweet.. XD
She always gives me cookies and Ali is always fabulous... yay!~
and I am so happy to know you two... and your videos are the best!!!~

Tidus

I really love talking to you.. XD We always have a conversation and you will make me forget
what time is it when we both are online.. XD we talked alot!~
Especially on JRock section.. OMG!~ haha!~ I dont have any new post after you left.. XD
You is so fun!~ and I am so sorry when I put the naked Gackt pic on the forum.. XD
But at least I thought it was fun.. haha.. and grilled cheese forever!!~

Reita and Reila

OMG!~ you both ish so cute.. ^^ I likes you two..!!~
and I sometimes mistakes over you two.. haha.. ^^" sorry.. my bad.. XD
anyway... Reita and Reila... I really love talking to both of you..
eventhough we dont really talk that much.. but enjoy every second talking to you two.. :3
and I hope one day gazette will come and visit you two.. probably you two will faint but they will catch you.. XD

Saita and Mars

You two are so so so so so so sweet!~ thank you for taking care about me.. ^^
and you two ish so cute too.. physically and in person..!~ yays!~ Im so happy when Im around you two.. ^^
I always feel like huggling you two... :3 Saita.. XD Uru is made for you!!!~ and Mars!!~ better steal him from Ali now.. XDD
I love PMing you both... and you guys... are much sweeter than any sweets i ever had.. ^.^

Kumiko and Eiduru

hahaha!~ Kumiko.. i think you needs to stop hating kids.. XD and eiduru... keep on drawing!!~
Kumiko-chan ish fun.. XD and I will kill Bill for you!!~ and we really should stalk Miyavi someday.. haha
Eiduru ish also sweet!~ and I am so happy that you didnt forget about me when youre away.. ^^
I loves you two..!!!~ and I always like it when you guys online... XDDDD

Katra and Urra

Katra!!~ I always like the fact that you do cosplay.. XD and you ish funny too sometimes..
eventhough we dont really talk, i read your posts and it makes me laugh.. XD
Urra!!~ I loves your drawing.. you is so talented.. with all the music instrument and stuff..
OMG!~ I wish I could be you.. XD also..!~ I likes your band... XD

22 and Jigsaw

You two ish so cute together... XD I likes seeing you two... ^^
and jigsaw!!~ you always come with news and updates... youre so cool.. XD
22.. i think you have an obsession on taking pics.. XD but its okay because you is pretty.. ^^
lastly... I loves you two..!!~ *huggles*

Nazume and Sccmar

Kyaaaa!!~ I wish you two would online more... because i could hardly talk to you two.. XD
but from what i know.. you two are fun.. ^^ I wish I know you guys more so that i will know what should I say now..
hahaXD anyways.. loves you guys too..!!~

DC, never_mind, gaza the lova, kaeru, miiko-chan, eriert, angelostnhea7en, ayla, chizu-chan, ash, yuuto, bloosi, nadeshiko,
smopiiac, kitsune, okitoki, rainhero, and everyone who never really talked to me...

I wish i could talk to you... i wish i had the chance to know you peoples... you guys seems fun.. ^^
and you guys loves gazette as i do..!!~ yay for yourselves.. XD *huggles*

aeryl and diana

hahaha.. ^^ sorry for dragging you here.. and i noticed that lately you guys never really post.. ^^"
Im so sorry... but I luvs you two.. XD we talked on other site more and i knows that you both
are such a sweet person.. <3 I love you!!!!~ *huggles*


So... Im so sorry for anybody that I didnt meantion.. dont kill e.. ;-;
I just having a short memory problem.. ^^"
I just wanna tell you you guys... taht you guys are the best!!~ ever!!~
and its such a shame thatI cant be here anymore.. ;_;
My parents wont let me online anymore for 2008... due to my big exam.. TT_TT
It is so sad to leave RM... I t is heart breaking to say goodbye...
But.. I cant do a thing about it... I'll have to say...

Goodbye, now, everybody...
today is my last day onlining...
when i sign out.. it means that it will be my last log in...
i hope everyone will enjoy their life...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!~ MAY THE BEST COME TO YOU!!~

I just LOVE you guys!!!~ so much!!!~

Love, Ila-chan, you cookies eater!!~ -my last wish to everybody at RM (fuck, i miss them)

note 9
i have been hurting myself ila..
because i want to be with you.. more than anything
but its not Possible
i should try and find someone else
because i cant ever be with you..
and if i keep holding on.. i am going to bleed to Death -from someone whom i love so much

yeah, that's pretty much all the things i cherished. you should know how my life works from that. haha. there were lots of emotions there, it brings back memories. i'm keeping them here, as a part of my memory.

Loveless

yeah, i just finished watching loveless and like always, every movie or series i watch always bring me sorts of question, demanding answers. so, like always, i was bothered by those existing questions in my head.

1. if i had a real name, what would it be?
i have no idea. and i'm sure as hell it would not be loveless or beloved or breathless or sleepless or endless or anything in that series. and much to my dismay, probably hopeless or worthless. yeah, not soulless as my brain convinced me to be.

2. if i had a fighter, what kind of person would he/she be?
i don't know either. probably someone that'd match me? a person who has pride, strong but sensitive. i don't know. maybe someone with cold eyes and expressionless?

3. if i can choose to either be a sacrifice or a fighter, which one i'll choose?
i don't think i care whether i'm the fighter or sacrifice. but then again, if the sacrifice takes the damage for her fighter, i think i'd choose to be a sacrifice. and i'll learn to be a strong sacrifice.

4. if i were ritsuka, will i accept soubi?
well, i think my reactions would be the same as he is coz i sucks. haha

5. which character in the series that i'd like to have as my fighter and my sacrifice (if i'm the fighter)?
well, i'd like to have Kouya as my sacrifice, though i'd make sure that she'll never get hurt even though she can't feel pain.
and for the fighter, of course i would like it to be Soubi since he's perfect.

and then, the self thoughts. yeah, they are hurting me deep. when i think about it again, it was always Malilith and Fye. and since one could one have one sacrifice or fighter then, is one of them mine? or i'm just the bystander?

because Malilith loved Fye and Fye loved Malilith.
because i loved Fye and he told me that he loves me.
because i loved Malilith and he told me that he loves me.

so, who belongs to who?
and which one of us doesn't belong?
it was those questions that always break us down.

"which one of us don't belong?"

and when that came up, i'd said that i was me.
because Malilith is perfect with Fye.
one black and one white.
both pretty and kind.
one's winter and one's summer.
and i'm the autumn. the lonely autumn.
i don't belong.

but when Fye answered, he'd say that he doesn't belong.
he had his reasons.
and we all knew that all along.

and same goes for Malilith.

because we love each other too much to hurt one another. so we opted to hurt ourselves instead. it's okay, it's okay, as long as we are together, i don't mind any other. that's what we would say. and that's makes us, who we are. strong bonds, but was cold as ice.

Spring -light version-

Yeah, I've posted another one concerning the memories trilogy. This is inspired by the four seasons. And like how it was supposed to be, the post was posted at blue cresent. Yeah, I missed them much. =[

Spring -light version-

I wonder what will happen if it was me who left instead of them...

Dear lover

Dear lover who I can't be sure yet just who you are,

I have always thought that I'm dying, emotionally and physically
and frankly speaking I can't see who am I in my reflection
sometimes I'm so scared if the mirror breaks apart
and show me who I really am
I'm just scared to know who I really am
Am I really me, I just don't know

Sometimes I see hope in my own eyes
but sometimes it seems so far away
and I just can't forget the pain of losing them all
I feel so useless
like a retarded bitch

I'm so stained
I'm not pure
I hated it myself
but just
I am waiting
for you my love who I don't even know
to one day come to me
and tell me that to you
I'm forever sacred

And I wish I could meet you someday
you who could understand who I am
you the one who knows me better than I did
you who create a world filled with dreams
It's okay even if we're just dreaming
we'll keep on doing that
untill the day I am sure I'm almost dead

I wish you could understand how much I really do love Malilith and Fye
and tell me to cherish the memory, not to forget it
because it's so freaking hurt to forget
feels like being stabbed on open wounds
feels like it's bleeding so much and I can't do anything about it but
just pretend like I'm okay and bear with it
and with the guilt of not letting them know
it's so heavy, the burden
but I just don't want them to think that they've made me hurt
deep enough

A lot of people said I'm stupid for slitting my wrist and all
and there are some who just give up on me
but i still wish to meet you, my love who I still can't reach
to tell me that it's not too late
and it's never too late

They didn't know who I am and I don't know either
but bleeding feels good
it sort of like a drug
people do drugs and eventually they die
it's the same as slitting your wrist
it hurts but it feels good at the same time
and I did it to ease the pain inside
I didn't do it to show anyone that I'm trying to kill myself
I'm doing it for myself
because I don't want to lose control

I always thought that it's better to feel pain
than being numb and not feel anything at all
being numb is so scary
it's cold and dark and nothing matters anymore
and you'll just love the feeling of being drowned in misery
and to me I saw the colors are cold blue and red
and I'm frozen in time
feels like I die alive

And I know I'm wreckless
but I still wish to meet you, my love who I cant meet just yet
and wait for you to tell me that
I'm your sweetest poison

They said in one of the books I read
death is not the most serious illness
it's worst wanting to die and not being able to
but somehow I thought
it's probably worser wanting to die but not wanting to
and you can't even try to die
because once you're lost
you'll never come back
and probably the worst
if you never die and your life is being denied
will this ever die?

I used to thought that I'd grow wings
and I dream of them
they are black and pretty
and I wore black leather or probably PVC clothes
it fits me and it's so pretty
and probably sexy
then I saw there are two more who dreamed the same
but one is purely grey and white
and he was pretty and I knew he is an angel from his gaze
and another one is in black and red
he shows anger, misery but a glitch of satisfactory
and I know from his smile that he's human
then they looked at me and looked into my eyes
as I smiled to them
I noticed that I'm the devil
born with blood seeking instinct
and that evil inside me
but I wonder why
do I love them two so much
is it because they accept me just they way I am
or is it because I'm in love
just how love was suposed to feel?

I'm always afraid that people could read through me
so stupid, right
but sometimes I wish they could see if I'm really smiling
or lying my feelings just to show that I care about them
and I really do care about them
in fact I love them freaking much more than I love myself
but sometimes they are confused
I just love them like I do

I had this weird feeling
I love being touched
but I hate being touched too
sometimes I don't know why I'm resisting
when I know that I want it
but maybe I'm just scared to be loved
and afraid of hurting someone that I love
sometimes I just wish that no one loves me
but then I'd feel so lonely
and I don't even know what to do now
should I turn right or left?

I love to dream
and everytime I sleep I wish I dreamed and remember it
and I used to dream alot
I'm always in different situation and me is different person
it goes up and down in my dream
but lately it's getting slower
almost like I had nothing to dream of anymore
but I wish I'll keep on dreaming
because I miss them all
who appeared in my dreams

Sometimes I write down my dreams
or comment about it
but there is a dream that I'm so scared of
what if it's real and me who are here isn't
probably I'm just denying
my life, over here

and for you, my dear who probably has lost yourself in time
I wish for you to hold me and kiss me and tell me it's alright
it's alright to dream like this
and wish it's real
and tell me that you'll always be here
to be with me and to listen
and I wish that when I get you
I will never hurt you

I know I'm just selfish
but I just want to somehow find you myself
as I'm falling in the rainy sorrow

If you are the one then please save me
from my self-destructing shit

and I just want you to know that I will love you
until my heart stops bleeding
until one day I died in my smile
and not my tears out

I love you, Ila

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I found this. An old file and I decided to post this. Well, this is who I am. Before. And I still love her. No matter what. hahahaha