frozen winter

It's winter again, but now it isn't cold anymore. It's just purely numbing, of all her senses. Her eyes are open but does her heart do too? She stays by the river bank, staring at the seemingly calm water, her heart is beating so soft, she couldn't even sure if she is there or is she dreaming again? The water, it is so clear and she could see right through it. If only she could see future right through like she did with this river. Slowly she takes a rock and throws it into the water, staring at the sight of the waves gradually losing.

"It is so quiet, feels so lost without you, brothers."

The three of them went to the river and started to collect rocks on the river bank. Then, they all lined up, almost perfectly up by the river bank and one by one, throwing the rocks into the river, smiling as they did so.

"Malilith, what's your wish?" asked the grey-haired Fye.
"Yeah! Yeah! Tell us yours!" added Ila, staring at her Malilith intently.
"What? Of course you can't know someone else's wish! Or else it will never come true!" snapped Malilith, turning his back on both of the questioners.
"Aww, come on Malilith! You're no fun!" whined Ila, turning up her lips.
"No way!" said Malilith in irritated voice.
"Okay! Fine! I won't tell mine too!" whined the angry Ila, as her wish is not obeyed.
"Haha! You two are funny as ever! Do you guys wanna know mine?" chuckled Fye, smiling at both of the irritated ones.
"Really, really?" asked Ila, curious.
"No! Your wish shall never come true if you tell us!" protested Malilith.
"It's okay because I believe that my wish will always be true," replied Fye calmly, easing the nervous still air.
"Really?" asked Ila for confirmation. She wouldn't want to ruin Fye's wish too.
"I wish that we will always be together, stay with each other, live together forever through the day and night. I know that this wish has come true and it will always be true. Because I love you both more than anything else, Malilith, Ila."

Both of the listeners smiled at the one who wished so and hugged him lovingly. In their hug, they both whispered slowly to Fye, "We love you too, so much."

"You shouldn't have told us that, Fye. Because in the end you're the one who destroyed it."

This time it's only the two of them and they went to the very same place, the river. And the cold water is frozen, as solid, as cold as death. Malilith and Ila stared at the frozen lake, breathing soft steams and then they both took a rock for each of them. Without hesitation, Malilith threw his as hard as he could and breathed out. Ila then followed his lead and fell on her knees, looking down to the soft grayish white snows. Malilith stared at the same frozen entity too before turning on his back.

"I wish Fye could be here with us. That's all I'm wishing for," said Malilith slowly but loud enough for Ila to hear it. It was heartbreaking, everything reminded them of Fye. Then, they both burst into tears, without a sound. They just couldn't afford to stare at each other teary eyes anymore.

"And yet it's only you who could be with Fye. How I envy you, Malilith. But I love you so much I wish you'd be happy there."

She stands up, walking away from the scene. What her wish was, no one ever knows beside herself. But what the others knew was that it never came true.

and when you're gone
i thought of giving up life
but in my sleep
you turn to me and whispered
that you love me
things that's once lost
you can never get it back
being slipped away by unforgiving time
my winter blows sorrow
straight to my darkened heart
even still
the wounds never stop bleeding

in my sighs and cries
i chant your name
in this memorial night
wish me something else
and hope thy wish come true
before this flame stopped burning
and before the dark
creeps and reaps me out

now and me and this is

I am jealous of them
those who are smart
and i have let down hope

i wish
i could join them when they had dinner together that time
i could taste their cookings
i could be smarter
i am not left alone anymore
i could hide my feelings from them since they are always keeping distance when i do
i am not afraid to be alone
i could be their best friend
i'm not this pathetic
i'm not this poor
i could always go out with them
i didn't ask Malilith to lend me money coz I feel so guilty
I am rich enough to join them

I know that you love someone,
but that someone isn't me
it isn't me

:: sleepless nights ::

Soft sobs filled the room with absence of laughter. The mood in the air is heavy but gradually it thicken.

"Stop crying," said Malilith.
"But I just.. missed Fye so much.." Ila was sobbing. She just didn't know what to do when she cried like this. And she can't even stop.
"Don't!" Malilith glared at her direction. His face was red. He was angry and this whole crying and missing thing are stressing him up. He is just angry. He didn't want to cry. No, he didn't.

"Malilith, why are you crying?" asked Fye with concern in his eyes.
"I made Ila bleed. I.. I was playing with her.. and I pushed her.. and.. suddenly.. she.. fell.. and she bleeds.. a lot.." sniffed Malilith. He was so scared of what he have done to the girl.
"Where is she?"
"At.. her room.. she.. didn't wake up.. i tried.. to wake her up.. did I.. did i.. just killed her..?" asked Malilith, crying noticeably now.
"It's okay. Lets go and see her now," patted Fye on his head and took him to Ila's room.

"Why can't I? I just missed him too much," sobbed Ila.
"Stop doing this to me! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you, Ila! You always get the best from him! I hate you! I hate you! I.. hate you..."
"I'm so sorry.."

"Ila, are you okay? You bleed so much. How are you feeling? Are you cold?" asked Fye.
"I'm getting better. Tell Malilith that I love him and it's okay. It wasn't his fault," replied Ila. Fye smiled at the reply and asked Malilith to come in.
"Malilith! Look! I'm okay! I just feel sleepy that time! Don't worry" said Ila, smiling happily. "Really?" asked Malilith. "Yes, really," cut Fye.
"You really scared me, Ila. Ila, I love you. I love you and I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," said Malilith.
"Haha, I know that. and lookie, I can walk now!"

"Malilith, I love you..."
"I hate you. I really do. Now stop.. Please"

sleepless nights
where my tainted blood are denied
and your rejection towards my love
when we have lose it all
i did not ask for it
but sometimes
it just happens
and i'm okay with you blaming me
because this overflowing love
it hurt too much too keep
silently

i concern for your dreams
i'm afraid of your guilt
and when you left
everything felt numb
silently

"Malilith, please don't burden it anymore. Your heart."
"I wish I could"

And after you're gone, each time it's near, the dark air are still there. Chasing the warmth inside. Threatening to kill it with bare hands.

I love you

:: tainted blood ::

It was a cold night where the wind blows pretty harsh on Fye's soft skin. Under the moon light, he look almost angelic. Malilith and Ila stared at the pretty doll's hair. It looked so soft and silky. And that silver shines under the shallow moon light. As Malilith and Ila stared at him, he looked back with soft smile. Both of them were mesmerized with his beauty especially that pair of pretty greyish eyes.

"What are you two looking at?" asked the smiling one.
"Why? Of course you," replied Malilith bluntly, followed by chuckles from Ila.

Fye smiled at the answer and stood up. "I guess I better get the dinner ready"
Both of the other followed Fye to kitchen and prepared themselves for their work. Malilith is usually in charge of preparing the ingredients while Ila and Fye are in charge of the cooking part. Usually they would do three dishes a day. Today, they are making vegetables soup, chicken stew, and soft fried tofu.

During the cutting process, Malilith cut himself and bleed. "Ouch!"
"What happened?" asked Ila.
"I just cut myself."
"Is it bad?"
"Not really."

Fye quickly came to him and take a look at the wound. "It's pretty deep actually. Ila, come here."

Ila rushed to their side and stared at the blood. "It's so pretty"
"Ila, it's not the time. Now could you please bring the first aid kit?" demand Fye.
"Hait!"

After Fye covered the wound, Malilith stared at it. "Why does my blood looks so dark compared to Fye and so pale compared to Ila?"
"Because we're different," answered Fye.
"All of us has different blood. You, me and Fye is. Eventhough we're different, we still love each other nonetheless. This isn't something big, Malilith. Mine is much darker because it's tainted," added Ila.
"What do you mean by tainted?" asked Malilith.
"I am mom and dad's reincarnation of the bad sides. All their sorrow, misery, dark secrets, bad quality and dark visionary are passed down to me. While Fye is the reincarnation of them being kind, nice, beautiful, and everything that keep them a nice person."
"Then, what is me?"
"You? You are those that make them human," answered Fye before kissing him on his forehead.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I missed them both and it has been so long. Tomorrow is their death anniversary and also their birthday. Will I die tomorrow? Or do I have to wait longer?

flightless sky

so i thought that i've changed
and i do completely
maybe on the outside
but i'm not thinking like who i was before
i can't even write as good as before
i think probably i'll be needing a break after this semester ends

and i'd like to write fanfic again

i just read my old post about me Malilith and Fye
i feel like crying

my feelings at that time are so deep
and now it's slowly fading
but i just don't wanna let it go
i'm afraid of letting go

i suck at this
i got bad results and i'm sure guilty as hell
i promised Malilith to be the one he would be
fuck I didn't even do good in Malaysian Studies
and my biology is just nightmare
i feel like crying

Malaysian Studies - B-
Biology - D

where am i going now?
i need guidance

Malilith,
if you were to see this
i think know you'd slap me hard
i know you care too much
now i feel so guilty
i wish i could be as smart as Fye

so leave me be
i'll try to improve
more
more
more
more and
more

SAY IT

when i saw you in your weakened state
i thought i'd cry
but you smiled instead
in front of me

listening to : Madina Lake - Here I Stand

My hands shake 'cause today,
I know you're gonna break my heart and,
My life without you in it
Is a life that's not worth living.
I'll be strong but I wish I was someone else,
Anyone but me, tonight.

Here I stand (Here I stand)
On my own, (Here I stand)
Tonight (Here I stand)
You know I wish I was strong enough to breathe (Here I stand)
Without you, (Here I stand)
In my life, (Here I stand)
You know I wish I was anyone but me.

So I'll start to pretend I'm ok
But you should know by now that
My life is smoke and mirrors,
One thing is crystal clear
That I'm the one wishing I was someone else,
Anyone but me tonight.

Here I stand (Here I stand)
On my own, (Here I stand)
Tonight (Here I stand)
You know I wish I was strong enough to breathe (Here I stand)
Without you, (Here I stand)
In my life, (Here I stand)
You know I wish I was anyone but me.

(Where do we go?) (Where do we go?)

Inside I start to fall apart. (Where do we go?)
And I'll pretend I'm holding on (Where do we go?)
I guess I'll bleed in silence.(In silence)
I guess I'll bleed in silence.

Here I stand (Here I stand)
On my own, (Here I stand)
Tonight (Here I stand)
You know I wish I was strong enough to breathe (Here I stand)
Without you, (Here I stand)
In my life, (Here I stand)
You know I wish I was anyone but me.

(Here I stand)
On my own, (Here I stand)
Tonight (Here I stand)
You know I wish I was strong enough to breathe (Here I stand)
Without you, (Here I stand)
In my life, (Here I stand)
You know I wish I was anyone but me

that's how i feel now

love, Malilith Ila

one night stand

it's already 6.30am right now and i'm still awake
haha
we made it
we didn't sleep this night
reminds me of my childhood memories
it has been a long time since the last time I did this
and I'm getting dizzy, nausea, sleepy, sick, hungry, and probably stressed

oh my god
today i drank a lot of coke
which makes me high
haha
they didn't know it
but i think they somehow catch me
yeah
i'm high with extra coke or carbonated drinks
but i love coke
and my sister knows it
haha
i know i act weird when i'm high
well, unconsciously
fuck!

but today
there's something that i'm mad about
my friend, my innocent friend
tried to smoke
i'm so pissed
i tried to stop but when Echa said
"biar la diaorang, diaorang dah besar"
i was freaking pissed

yes, I'm pissed at all of you
for encouraging Farah and Fung to smoke
maybe only Fung
it's bad
I'm sorry that I'm pissed
but I just am

i love you all as my friend
and i do freaking care about you all
but maybe i was too harsh too
fuck
i don't know now
what i know is i was mad that time

maybe i shouldn't have talked about this at the car at all
they seem ignoring it
maybe i was wrong
they're grown up teenager
and it's up to them
i should kill my protective instinct
they are not kids
fuck i treat them like kids
or so i think

maybe i should give them space
in any way
i meant no harm
i'm just worried sick
maybe I'm just being busybody
sorry

in all ways
it was fun
haha

*smiles nyappily now*

when i looked upon tonight's half moon
i feel emptiness crept over me
when i cherish it
i notice that they are someone
behind me
next to me
in front of me
and i love the feeling
of overwhelming warmth
in the unity of our almost cold hands
warming each other
i'll keep this memory

good night

maybe i'll start later
my head's spinning
and i'm listening to heilig by tokio hotel
i hated them really
but i don't know why i love this song

i think i do

i wanted to dance with Malilith once again
let me dream

i'm sleepy
a bit hungry
a little mad
feels like biting someone to death
KAMI KOROSU!

i'm talking to myself again
weird eh
but if i'm weird
then

the world is weird

thanks to Farah for making me do this blogspot
hahahahahahaha

it's time

smooth silk runs down
it fell off my arms
when i reach for it
it flies away
and i could never catch it
now I've lost it

could i ever find it again?

NEW

wao~
feels weird
so new

this need improvements
anybody to help?